The cause for the teardrops on my pillow: a review of my hate mail

Shocking, I know, but some people are just not amused by me and my blog. Pick your jaws off the floor because it is true! I know what you’re thinking: “But Rigs, you’re the voice of a generation and arguably the best writer Shakespeare!”  and “you’re like a beardless, less drunk Hemingway” True as that may be, and thank you for that Hemingway shout out Bryant,  I can not please them all.

I also look great in a cable knit sweater by the way.

You know those people who call the cops on house parties directly at 10 pm, or yell at skateboarders doing kick flips in front of the mall? well those people now have internet connections and they use them to be horrified and personally offended by everything written on websites. When I started this blog I thought “Hey, I like reading funny lists and reviews online, so maybe I could start my own and other people would like it”  and I did and I am so, so happy that my writing makes people laugh and brightens their day. I do it all for you guys and I appreciate that you come back to laugh at my misfortunes or drunkenly crafted lists.

here is a picture of a cat hugging a puppy to repay you for your loyalty.

I also knew when I started this that people with no sense of humor whatsoever would somehow find their way here through all their security settings and no doubt take everything I say much too seriously and choose to tell me what a fucking asshole I am for running my own website with my own opinions on it. I’m clearly history’s greatest monster.  Obviously these comments are hilarious to me and I always yell out to whoever is in my house that I got another hatemail and they crowd around the computer while I read them out loud (sometimes in a British accent) I almost always respond to these comments but shockingly I very rarely get a response back. I assume because whoever wrote it is on a new mission to stop the kids outside their house from playing street hockey because the puck is 10 feet away from their 1993 Pontiac. So without further ado here is my hate mail:

The first one I’m going to show you is from my article about The 5 lamest sports ever created I got quite a few comments on this regarding my harsh calling down of Ultimate Frisbee, but most of them were written by sane people who like playing it but clearly understand that this is a comedy website and not the goddamn gospel. Unfortunately one jackass didn’t get that memo and went crazy all up on me.

The offending comment:

“I think you’re an idiot! Who are you to judge what sports are lame and what sports are fun. Everyone loves different things and people shouldn’t be insulted for doing so. I personaly play ultimate frisbee and love it, but I also play many other sports as well and none come close to how much fun and laid back ultimate frisbee is. Why don’t you actually try and play the sport before you all insult it!

Final note you’re all morons especially the author who blogs her opinions about stuff that no one wants to here!

My response:

I’m sorry that you must have apparently suffered a debilitating accident during a rousing game of Ultimate Frisbee that has, obviously, scrambled your fucking brains. Thus causing you to forever mistake comedy websites for serious, hard hitting journalism. Judging by the amount of spelling errors in your complaint and the fact that you used the word “laid back” to describe a sport leads me to believe that you smoke a lot of pot. You are the angriest pot smoker I have ever encountered and I once ran over Woody Harrelson’s dog in front of him. Shine on you crazy diamond!

Lovingly yours,
Rigs

I actually received a response to this one from a person with a different name but somehow the same email (that’s right, I have these people’s personal emails but I’m not that huge of a bitch to share them with you guys) And their lovingly crafted response is as follows:

Yeah I suffered injuries because I mispelled one word, not the chick that blogs her idiotic opinions to a bunch of jackasses who hang on her every word. I feel bad for anyone who comes in contact with you in having to deal with your prejudice opinions based on what your air head come sup with on the spot. And no I don’t smoke pot I just know who to relax and be chill.

One Love

The fact that they call me an  idiotic air head and all of you lovely people jackasses and then ends the comment with “one love” is completely blowing my mind right now. Jesus take the wheel. This is amazing. Also, I do not feel bad for anyone who comes in contact with me in person because I am just a delight and I often pick up my friends from the bar when they call me wasted at 2 in the morning. Would a horrible person do that? I think not. They also posted another response to really hammer the point home that I’m the worst person they have ever not met in real life who once casually insulted a sport they play.

Hey Rigs I’m gonna start my own list of 5 lamest authors of stupid comedy websites and you and you’re site will be a sure shot at number 1. You’re a bitch, peace!

The Juxtaposition of “you’re a bitch” and “peace” is making me piss myself laughing. I think this might be the greatest day ever. I’m concerned about him starting his own website though, I don’t need any more competition.

My Response:

Is there a cash prize attached to being number one on your list of 5 lamest authors of stupid comedy websites? If so I would honored to accept. I will accept the following currency:

-Canadian Dollars
-Doubloons
-Nazi Gold
-Rupees (The legend of Zelda ones, not the Pakistan ones)

Hope to hear from you soon!

All my best to you and yours.

Hopefully he gets back to me soon because I need to buy some more bottles to catch fairies in.

Those fairies won't stand a chance a chance

Another one of my articles, this one about Juggalos, has received more hate comments than anything else I’ve ever written. This blew my mind on two accounts because

1) Juggalos know how to use computers?

and

2) Juggalos have money to pay for Internet connections?

There was a full on comment war on this article and I’m much too important lazy to copy and paste that shit. What I will show you is a comment from one “twiztid juggla” who is not fond of people making fun of Juggalos. His comment actually stems from a comment my friend Jenna made on the same blog comparing Juggalos to that fetish that involves people dressing up like babies. She also mentioned that she once threw lunch meat at a Juggalo because “everyone loves a free feeding” Basically, I love Jenna. Twiztid Juggla does not:

why should we give a fuck what people think?

why should i care how the hell you look at meh?

just cuz i have a nut sac big enough to do my own shit and do what i do withought giving a damn what people think of me, makes me a freak?…

then fuck yes imaa freak mutha fucka, fuck yall haters, talk ur shit somwhere else…cuz we dont brown nose ur shit..

I was actually so overjoyed to receive hatemail from an honest to god juggalo that I put this comment on my facebook fan page(which you can join here) as a note. It was like my version of when parents put pictures of their kids straight out of the chocha on facebook. My inferior by Juggalo standards response is as follows:

I’m sorry that you got so angry about my article that you apparently broke the caps lock button right off your keyboard.

I had no idea that my writing would strike such a nerve with your kind, and I say “your kind” because I think you must be a completely different class from Homo Sapiens. Perhaps Juggalos are the missing link. I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. What I am is someone who is deathly afraid of being hatcheted to death by a man in a clown costume so I will end my rant here.

Best of luck with that enlarged “nut sac”


twiztid juggla?

I wrote another article and horrible TV shows and I should have known the same people who watch shows about midgets making chocolate are the same kind of people who take everything too seriously and freak the fuck out at the drop of a hat. Thus:

You are the most bigoted asswipe I have ever had the displeasure of encountering. who the hell are you? These people are sweet, decent, loving, talented people. I have watched it from the start and the things they whip up out of chocolate are nothing short of amazing. If you had half the talent this couple has you wouldn’t have to go online talking shit about people you know nothing about. You admit to never having watched this program. You could at least see the creations that are made my this wonderful couple. Or you could go crawl up someonEs ass and do what you do best: sniff shit. JERK.

I’m totally picturing a 40-year-old cubicle worker who looks forward to watching this show and curls up on the couch with her cat Mr. Ribbons and a bowl of ice cream (she deserves a treat!) to watch it and after it’s over, she goes online to find spoilers for the next episode and somehow stumbles on my blog. With an unbridled rage she hammers out this comment while Mr. Ribbons paces back and forth anxiously because instinctively he knows something is wrong with his owner. Ice cream all but forgotten while she pens her hateful masterpiece. Only after rubbing one out in the tub to the cute vending machine guy in her office does she finally calm down.

My response:

I’m glad you took the time to read my blog and comment, it really keeps me going as I, much like those tiny chocolate makers, have faced diversity. You see, I am a midget myself and it takes a lot out of me to type out these entries on this normal people sized keyboard. If I have to type the word “whip” I need to take a break in between since the W and the P are so far apart on the keyboard. I also suffer from, as you pointed out, a debilitating shit sniffing compulsion. So I understand. I understand all too well. I do agree that they are probably talented but you must agree that the only reason they have a television show is because they’re midgets. They are a sideshow act and probably realize that but decided the big cheques are worth being made fun of on national television. No pun intended about the big cheque comment.

Lovingly yours,
Rigs

Well that’s about the only ones worth sharing at this point. The rest of them I mostly respond to with “too long, didn’t read” or I just read them, laugh about them and then forget about them (it’s the booze induced memory loss) hopefully I will do this blog for a very long time and more hilarious comments will come my way. Maybe I should up the ante and rip up a picture of the pope on Saturday Night Live.

I assumed she did this because the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" was about unrequited pope love


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9 Responses to “The cause for the teardrops on my pillow: a review of my hate mail”


  1. 1 hip hop anonymous September 29, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    You are a terrible person and I hope you die a terrible death and when you are in hell all you have to occupy your time is watch reruns of movies with Nicolas Cage in them ( ps best actor ever)!!

    Umm I think you should really just post all the hate mail with actual email address so every one who loves your blog can send them loving messages! I bet your mother would like to respond to some of them as well!

  2. 2 dIck September 30, 2010 at 3:16 am

    HOW COME YOU SO MEAN!! HOW COME??

  3. 3 Justin October 1, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Rigs I love how you embrace the hate, it’s like you enjoy that more than the fandom. Very awesome.

  4. 4 bet365 October 2, 2010 at 2:04 am

    hi!This was a really marvelous subject!
    I come from endland, I was luck to search your Topics in google
    Also I obtain a lot in your blog really thanks very much i will come daily

  5. 5 Amy October 2, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    I can’t believe I missed the “Juggalo Diaries” awhile back, but at least I had laughs in store this time. Thanks again for a great read! I wish my friends here could speak English (or that I could speak another language) so we could make fun of lesser beings when we’re drunk. Which is a lot of the time.

  6. 6 sailer October 14, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Well, you win some, you lose some. Sorry, Twizted Juggla.

  7. 7 Donger November 5, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    hahaha more hate mail

    Also is this english???

    hi!This was a really marvelous subject!
    I come from endland, I was luck to search your Topics in google
    Also I obtain a lot in your blog really thanks very much i will come daily

  8. 9 danger March 22, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    dude.. I didnt even read the article. I got done bored after the first sentence. The reason I found myself here is I searched olde google for “trouble entering fitness and google into google search” after drunkenly searching for a variant on the above, but failing to due to motor-skills, and finding this near the top of the searches.. Not a particularty spectacular find, but what can you do..


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