Hey guys guess what? It’s almost Halloween! I effing love Halloween for several reasons, mainly the candy and the dressing up and getting wasted. I also love Halloween because of the amount of horror movies played on TV during this month. Why just yesterday I watched the cinematic masterpiece of Cry Wolf, some shitty horror movie from the 90’s that used AOL Messenger as a main plot point. Oh and Bon Jovi was in it. THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES.
Anyways, I love watching really bad horror movies. I have no idea why. Maybe because I always end up doing my own solo version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 or maybe because I just have really bad taste. I will tell you this: I have lost my movie renting privileges on more than one occasion. I feel really bad for my boyfriend because he has been exposed to such gems as Slaughter High and a movie I can’t remember the title of about a robot dog. In my defense he made me watch The Shadow.
So I thought I would share with you guys some really, really, s0-bad-they’re-good horror movies. Oh and keep in mind that I have seen each and every one of these once and in some cases, more than once. I don’t know if this will make you think worse or better of me. (probably worse) But I am simply as God made me good sir.
1. Silent Night, Deadly Night
There are actually like 5 of these bastards and thankfully I can hold my head high knowing I have only seen 3. The plot is about some little kid who goes absolutely batshit insane when he sees Santa going downtown on his mom. To be honest, I think this would fuck up most people.
Actually now that I went and read the plot synopsis on Wikipedia that is not at all what happened in the movie and now I’m really scared and upset as to where I got that original idea from. I’m legit freaking out here!
Anyways what actually happened was some kid witnesses a crazy hobo in a Santa suit carjack and then kill his parents. Possibly the worst car ride home since the time I suddenly had to poop so badly I had to unbutton my pants and do lamaze breathing techniques on the way home from eating chicken wings. …or just now when I had to stop writing this blog for a bit because I suddenly had to poop really badly after eating Sushi for dinner. I should probably go see a doctor.
But back to the movie here people. Several hilarious catholic punishments later at the orphanage where he lives, our protagonist goes cray-cray and starts punishing people for being Naughty a la Santa Claus. The only thing I really remember about this movie is that he punishes naughty people but gives absolutely nothing to people who are good. What a load of bullshit. So the first one is horrible but the sequel is even worse. You know when a show has a super long recap before an episode to remind you of everything that happened and you’re like YA I GET IT I HAVE BEEN WATCHING IT LITERALLY THIS WHOLE TIME. Picture 45 minutes of that.I’m serious. Almost the entire second movie is a recap of the first one. It’s like some bizarre exercise in patience. But let me tell you it all pays off in the greatest scene in cinematic history.
The whole thing is gold from start to finish. Between the horrible acting, the hilarious deaths and fantastic one liners I don’t know where to start. I love how that girl starts bitching at a guy who just murdered a man with jumper cables and is shocked when he tries to murder her. I also love how his definition of naughty people includes a guy asking what the noise is and someone bringing out his garbage. BEARS GET INTO TRASH IF YOU LEAVE IT OUT OVER NIGHT MOTHERFUCKER.
The best part about this is that the movie was actually pretty boring before this absurd clusterfuck of random killings took place. The whole movie is a roller-coaster of emotions actually. David Lynch has nothing on this baffling ordeal of a film.
2. Street Trash
I should mention at this part in the list that a local video store I go to has a deal where you can rent 6 VHS for 5 bucks. And yes I said VHS. I obviously still have a VCR because I’m fucking rad so I often get drunk and watch several bad movies in a row in the middle of the day. I actually have at least 4 friends that like to do that same thing so I truly believe God wanted us to be together.
This movie is one of those movies and I’m glad there was like 5 people in the room who could witness the insanity. The plot of this doozy is that a shopkeeper finds a bunch of old wine bottles that have gone bad and decides to sell them to hobos for super cheap. I’m pretty sure 711 uses this same marketing technique for selling Taquitos. The booze then turns hobos inside out. I am not making this up. This was possibly one of the most fucked up movies I have ever seen and I’m saying that for one reason: A scene in which the king of the bums gets his dick chopped off and his minions play catch with it while he runs around trying to grab it back. And no I am not high on crack, this was written, scripted, acted out and put to film.
Yup. That whole scene paired with the weird subtitles is what I assume going insane must look and feel like. The whole movie is actually up on youtube to feel free to watch and then later scrub yourself raw in the shower while weeping. This movie has apparently a huge cult following and you can actually buy a bottle of the offending booze as well as a little melty hobo to go with it. No word on whether or not they have tapped the obvious dildo market.
3. Chopping Mall
Obviously judging by the title this movie is going to be fabulous. I made that mistake. It was not fabulous, it was horrible. I was lured in by the combo of hilarious title and totally boss movie cover.
It’s about some sexy teens who sneak into a mall overnight to have a sexy party in a mattress store and then get killed by the futuristic security robot that kills at random. Actually in reading that sentence this movie sounds pretty fucking great. I really need to get my priorities in order.
So yea these teens somehow can’t escape from this security robot despite the fact there is only one of them. I have been in a mall before and there are several exits and even back hallways you can wander around in if you have a lanyard around your neck or you just look like you’re supposed to be there. I use these hallways all the time in the month of December and it really cuts down on my rage levels and time spent elbowing people in the face because THEY WONT GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY AND I NEED TO FINISH CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
Where was I? oh yea. Teens in 80’s movies are fucking retarded. Throw some Orange Julius on that robot and short circuit it or something. Fuck. I do remember this contains at least 2 montages of the teens fartin’ around before the murders and at least 4 boobs. I crunched the numbers and this movie is perfect for you to watch after you have smoked several joints.
4. Sleepaway Camp
I hold this movie near and dear to my heart. I have seen it at least 7 times and I actually own it. Now that I think about it, several of my friends own it as well. That’s just how fucking rad we are. If you have seen this movie you can agree with me that it has the most “huh?” inducing ending ever put to film. I love watching this movie with people who have never seen it and then just staring at them for the last 5 minutes to fully appreciate the look on their face. I know I have ruined countless movies in the past on this website but I can’t ruin this for you if you haven’t seen it. You just NEED to watch it. The whole thing is on youtube so you really have no excuse not to watch it. Also this leads me to believe someone is putting every shitty 80s and 90s horror movie on youtube. I want to meet this person and shake his hand.
It’s about some kids that go to a sleepaway camp and start mysteriously dying. The plot isn’t really important, it’s just the ending and solely the ending that has rocketed this movie to cult status. Once you see it, you will understand. This movie is like the fun version of The Ring video: you will force your friends to watch it but not so you won’t die i7 days later with a fucked up face, but so you can watch their fucked up face when they see the ending. It’s the perfect makings for a nice little Sunday. They made I think 4 more but I’ve only seen the first 3 and decided to call it a day because I need to cling to some semblance of normality. I’m going to end this list here so you have more time to spend watching Sleepaway Camp. I’m serious. GO. GO NOW.