Some of you may remember when I wrote an earlier article about this disgusting whore of a sandwich, but at that time the real one wasn’t yet available in Canada because we’re always the last one invited to the (heart attack) party, so I rigged together a shitty ghetto one. Luckily my asshole friends reminded me via several text messages that the real double down hit Canadian KFCs today.
My friend Darcy accompanied me to our local KFC and I shamefully ordered one. I was not as excited as I was the first time when I ordered my ghetto ass double down. This time I was sad because I knew what was coming.
“Can I have ..a double down please?” I asked the employee while avoiding eye contact. She laughed and said it seemed like I was ashamed or something and then told me it’s not that bad and she had one and liked it. If I had a time machine I would go back in time to that moment and punch her in the ear because I know she was lying straight to my face now that I have eaten one of these assholes.
“Do you want a combo?”
“No thanks, just give me the….the thing”
I felt like I was doing a shady back alley deal for a black market baby or some crack.
The first thing I noticed about this sandwich was that it had the overwhelming stench (not smell) of onions. There are no onions on this sandwich so as you can imagine it was a very somber drive to Darcys house because I knew I was soon going to be putting this thing in my body. Not even listening to Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves by Cher could cheer me up and I fucking love that song.
So here I am at his house staring at this abortion of food. The size of it is already telling me that I wont be able to eat this whole thing no matter how “delicious” it is. It’s seriously just two whole KFC chicken breasts with a fuckload of cheese and bacon crammed in between. Also some sauce that smells like Jalapeno. I’m so pissed at myself. But here goes the first bite.
Ok so first bite was worse than anything I could have ever imagined. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much salt in my mouth before and I once smoked myself in the gut with a boogie board and then fell on my face in the ocean.
I honestly don’t think that I can eat this. I know I don’t want to eat it, but I also don’t think my body will physically allow me to eat it. I really can’t describe to you how terrible this tastes. It upsets me that this even came to be and that there are probably people out there who eat it legitimately and not just on a drunken dare, or in my case for Internet humor (you’re welcome)
I got three bites in and then got immensely jealous because Darcy ate a good looking real sandwich next to me while laughing. I think it was rye bread you guys. I know I promised I would eat this fucking thing but I honestly can’t. I have let you down. I have let the whole (Internet) team down.
Even as I’m sitting here typing this the stench of this sandwich is permeating the whole house. This sandwich is the fucking devil. It’s only available in Canada until November and then they will decide to keep it or not depending on the sales. I really hope that this thing bombs so we can add “not being gluttonous assholes” to the long list of things that make Canada better than the United States.
I managed to pry this thing apart which was a feat because the cheese congealed and formed a thick seal between the two parts. I tried to liberate some bacon and as you can see it was a sad, sad situation.
Please forgive my disheveled appearance. I felt it wasn’t necessary to wash my hair today since the biggest thing I had on my agenda was to cram this gross thing down my gullet and not meet The Queen.
Well after eating three bites and staring at it for a half hour I decided to Uncle Phil this bitch and throw it out the door. As I write this I have a huge lump in my stomach which is probably a combo of the few bites I took and the fact that I didn’t eat anything else yet today because I am trying to not becoming a huge fat monster and knew I was eating this thing. I am really craving some lettuce right now I have got to tell you.
We have decided to just throw the whole thing out because it’s depressing us to look at it and also really stinking up the joint. I wasn’t even allowed to throw it in the kitchen garbage, I had to use an entirely separate garbage bag away from everything else in the house. If that sandwich was a person it would be Pig Pen from Peanuts: filthy, stinky, and unpopular.
I feel pretty bad for letting you guys down but I don’t think you wanted me to die of a salt overdose did you? The paramedics would show up and I would have it clutched in my right and my left would be struggling to type out my last words in this stupid ass blog. And you know what it would say? It would say “Fuck The Internet, it made me do this.”
So I guess this is the end of my long journey into deepfried fueled mayhem. I really wish that scientists had invented smell-0-vision because you truly don’t know what I’ve gone through until you have smelled this thing. I assume that inventing smell-o-vision is extremely high on the “cool things to invent list” for all scientists so maybe we won’t have to wait too long to enjoy the smell of salty barf fuel over our computer monitors.
After I wrote this I didn’t have the Internet for a while because we were moving and didn’t get a chance to upload this article. In those 5 days my friends Ryan and Nathan have eaten 2 of these sons of bitches and my brother was M.I.A. for a day and a half and I just got ahold of him last night when he sent me a text that reads as follows
“Don’t ever eat at the KFC on the North Shore, I had food poisoning from your boy the double down. The shits have just stopped”
“hahaha I’m laughing, but I know I shouldn’t”
“It’s not funny. It’s devastating”
I think that sentence describes this sandwich perfectly.