Turns out I’m an asshole: Hate Mail Vol. 2

Have you ever heard the expression “there’s no such thing as bad publicity”? of course you have. I have no idea who said it but I’m sure they were probably a mess because who the fuck else would come up with something like that. Well it must be true because I have been raking in both website views, and hate mail. I already had enough hatemail fodder saved up for an article a while back and it was so much fun to write I was hoping that I would get even more hate mail sent my way. Well God must be smiling down upon me and heard my wish because he sprinkled some dickhead fairy dust over some  computers and I have received several more hilarious pieces of hate mail which I am going to share with all you beautiful people. (inside beauty counts too if you are a pizzaface or martha dumptruck)

 

This first one I’m going to share really caught me off guard because I can’t tell if it’s a joke, a mean comment or just someone geniunely concerned for my well being.

So, has it ever occurred to you that you have a drinking problem, and should probably seek help, i.e. A.A. ?

After I read it I just sat there for a few moments totally unsure what to make of it. Then I mixed myself a drink and then another, and then another, and then threw some glassware at my cat, had a nap, woke up and looked at it again. I really hope you guys don’t think I’m a raging drunk. Yes just recently I had a bad experience with Tacos and Fireball that ended with my passing out infront of my friends toilet only waking up when my elbow dipped into the toilet water. And yes after that night I had to go buy a plunger for Jenna because I ruined her toilet. And yes I threw up in the shower. And yes I got drunk at the Vancouver Aquarium. And yes I get drunk at the movie theater once every few months.  Does that make me a bad person? By my calculation it makes me a frigging radical person.

 

I've been there before! hahah..but seriously someone should put him on his side so he doesn't choke to death on his vomit.

 

 

Imagine how boring this blog would be without my constant rage and drinking? it would be horrible and I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t watch a bad horror movie while drinking Screwdrivers and then write about it on the Internet. It’s not like I have any kids I’m neglecting with my drinking, just my liver. And I make it work on time and don’t have a lengthy criminal record or jaundice so I’m doing pretty good for myself.  Plus this comment came from someone calling themselves “Flipper McFeelgood” so I assume they bang dolphins or think alot about banging dolphins so nuts to them. I didn’t really know how to approach this one so I tried to be a cheeky bastard and replied with this

I have BCAA, does that count?

Hopefully she gets back to me because my calls to BCAA about whether or not I’m covered if I get a flat while driving drunk have gone unanswered.

 

"uhh yea...the horse I just hit looked pretty drunk too so....is that his fault or...? Hello?"

 

 

People are funny because they can get really really pissed off about certain things that other people don’t give a fuck about. I cannot stand pro lifers and people that say Fiance. Other people are probably sitting around drawing anti abortion signs and saying “pass the red paint my darling fiance” so to each their own. What I cannot understand whatsoever is why anyone would ever come to the defense of Charlie Brown

 

The fact you’d write an article like this in the first place (wrought with errors I might add) only shows how truly shallow you are.

I do expect such garbage from anyone who has a blog titled “Vodka for Breakfast”. I’m completely certain if you ceased to exist, the world wouldn’t give a rats ass.

Do us all a favor and gargle on some broken glass, asshat

 

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that the same person who probably laughs everytime Lucy pulls that football away from Charlie Brown, wants me to eat pieces of glass. Good Grief! I also wish they specified if it was full of spelling errors or just errors about Charlie Brown, Spelling errors is probably more likely because I’m the only one writing this shit and sometimes my spell check fails me. DEAL WITH IT. Anywho I didn’t know how to approach this one so I just acted like a prick

I’m sorry but I can’t stop laughing my ass off at the fact that me making fun of Charlie Brown enraged you enough to wish pain on me. Do you really love that bald asshole that much? Sweet lord you must be the whitest person ever!

I actually went into a state of limbo for a few months back in 2008 and technically ceased to exist and when I came back a lot of my friends were all “oh man, where were you? we missed your grace and beauty while you were ceasing to exist!” So take that you jerk!

oh and I’ve found that gargling with scope does a lot better job than with broken glass. Scope leaves my mouth kissable and fresh where as broken glass just leaves my mouth full of blood and bits of glass.

xoxoxo

I really do stand by my theory that this is the whitest person ever. I bet you anything that they own a pair of Khaki shorts.

 

We sure are!

 

 

On my last hatemail review I, of course, had some from Juggalos. I mentioned then and I will mention now that I didn’t even know Juggalos could use computers let alone muster up the brains to angrily type out a response to my blog about them. I got lots of responses and I actually thought a lot of them were jokes because how do people like this even exist? But they must exist because they keep fucking pestering me with their misspelled rants and constant threats. If I get hatcheted to death in my driveway my corpse will probably have a smile because, let’s be honest, getting chopped up by a Juggalo is a pretty hilarious way to go.

 

or maybe getting eaten by one of these would be cooler? but that involves a Time Machine and mine isn't completed yet so I guess I'll go with the hatchet

 

 

So anyways you can try to read this comment if you want but I assume you’ll get as far as I did and then just give up. no one will blame you.

iF YOU DONT LIKE iT DONT FUHKN LISTEN TO IT PLAIN FUHKN SIMPLE. MOVE oN WITh ALL THA HATE JiBBer JABisH NOTHIN YOU SAY OR HOW HARD U FUHKN KRY ABOUT HOW BAD THE MUSIC IS OR SAYIN THEY SHUD DO THIS OR THAT IS GOIN TO CHANGE A THING! THE WICKED SHITS HERE TO STAY TALK ALL THE MESS U WANT BUT NOT A DAMN THING U OR ANYONE ELSE HAS TO SAY WILL EVER CHANGE A TRUE JUGGALO SO DO US ALL A FAVOR && SHOVE WHUT U SAYIN UP YO ASZ KUZ WE JUZ DONT GIVE A FUHK!!! WHOOOOP WHOOOP MMFWKCL <333 TO ALL THE JUGGALOz
LETTE4LYFE

This comment is pretty much the defination of “TOO LONG;DIDN’T READ”  I mean, my god. I can just picture her (and I know it’s a her because in my extensive Juggalo research I learned a Lette is a Juggalette.) Crouching over her computer angrily typing between taking bites of her Hot Pocket. Jesus Christ that’s bleak.

Anyways here’s what I wrote back to this, I assume, vision of beauty

If you were hoping to improve the case for Juggalos with this misspelled and quite frankly baffling response you have failed miserably. At no point in that rambling, incoherent mess did you ever form any sort of logical idea. I thought maybe I just needed to brush up on my english but for some reason the dictionary I own doesn’t contain the following words:

ASZ
FUHK
WHUT
FUHKN
KRY
SHUD

So maybe I’m using an outdated version? If you have an extra copy of your dictionary I would love to buy it off you. I assume you take foodstamps and marijuana as currency? Let me know and we can sort something out. Thanks for reading!

Unfortunately she hasn’t replied because she’s probably back in prison for rolling a girl in the parking lot of Super Save Gas because she looked at her weird.

So that’s that kids. You know what I have found the weirdest about this whole thing? People who actually like what I write just laugh at it and probably bookmark it (please?) or maybe join my facebook group:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Vodka-for-Breakfast/330723961676

and that’s the end of it. But people who really hate me take the time to write me a comment telling me what a fucking prick I am. It’s really quite something.  But if you liked reading this I’m sure in probably 4 weeks there will be more because I guess I just infuriate people. OH MY GOD I’M THESE CRAZY PEOPLES NICOLAS CAGE. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

 

Maybe I should grow a horrible goatee too? ARGHH I HATE YOU SO MUCH CAGE!

 

 

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6 Responses to “Turns out I’m an asshole: Hate Mail Vol. 2”


  1. 1 Americo November 16, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    dont worry rigby, you’re not those crazy peoples’ nicolas cage. nicolas cage is everyone’s nicolas cage

  2. 3 Chloe November 16, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Heysuess Christo! really? I guess juggalettes have nothing better to do than come up with an alternative language. Oddly, when Tolkien does it, it is cool. When juggalos and their ho’s do it, it’s… well… sad. What a bunch of….asshats! Ha Ha…oh Fuhk…WHUT….FUHKN…oh nevermind.
    P.S….PLEASE NO MORE PICS OF SATAN’S LAPDOG! P.S. also…not sure if you know but the other lapdog is ( and I never usually ever say this name as it invokes some of the blackest, darkest evil ever, but I am willing to type it :)) Streisand.
    Cage and Streisand….fuhk man. Dark dark shit. See you in hell. ….sniff…kry.

  3. 4 sailer November 16, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    I actually only got two sentences into that juggalo letter before I just threw my hands in the air and said, “fuck this” because that shit made no sense. Also, you throwing up in my shower, plugging my toilet and drunk crying about how drunk you got are really the highlights in our friendship.

  4. 5 GC November 18, 2010 at 4:59 am

    Fact: Juggalos revert to normal, decent human beings when the paint, scum, filth, and paint are washed from their bodies. Here, at the Juggalo Rehabilitation Ranch, we regularly catch and clean the poor, filthy, wretched, and smelly creatures. Did I mention they smell? They really smell, it’s unreal. Alas, it’s our mission to return as many of them to their formal selves as possible, and to explain to them how magnets work, for the greater wellbeing of the entire planet.

  5. 6 agencias viajes December 11, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    Enteramente de todos ellos, muchos de ellos enteramente la mayor쟠de la gente [una pausa]:
    ¿han vivido ellos. However, the world is not the same as it used to be many years ago.

    To find possible places to eat you could ask local vegans for
    recommendations.


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