I’ll stick to Vodka: 5 insane ways to get intoxicated

Remember when you were in highschool and you wanted to get drunk? If you were anything like most normal people you either got your older sibling to pull beer for you, you had a friend with a convincing fake ID or you paid a homeless guy to get your booze. These are all good ideas and when and if I have kids I’ll give them these options. I won’t buy booze for them myself because I feel those warm Natty Lights will taste all the better when they earned them. It’s like the saying: give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime. Except it’s more like “give your kid 2 beers and they will throw up that evening, teach your kid to harass strangers to buy them booze and they will throw up all weekend”

 

someone get this guy another beer!

 

 

Anyways, some people are more retarded than you were when you were in highschool so they try other, more ridiculous ways to get drunk and/or high.

1. The choking game

 

thank you for being a friend, traveled down the road and back again, your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidante

 

 

this bastard made its first appearance when I was in Elementary school and I looked up from making my Wolverine action figure marry my Pyslocke action figure long enough to say “that sounds really stupid and dangerous” And right I was in both my matchmaking and decision making skills.

Basically what we have here is what I assume the combined invention of David Carradine and Micheal Hutchinson: you just choke yourself out with a towel, or your hands (possible?) or your friends hands until you black out and I guess all that blood rushing away from your head makes you feel slightly high. I do not think this would be worth it because there is a 50% chance you will fart on the way down or slam your face into a countertop  and all your friends will laugh at you while you bleed to death. How embarrassing!

 

"damn it. why did I play this stupid game?"

 

 

 

As in the usual tradition of people freaking the fuck out over things that a very slim part of the population participates in; News channels went goddamn bananas over this and reported on it endlessly and how dangerous it is and how it’s killing all the kids doing it. I haven’t heard much about it lately because I think the imaginary fear of that has been transferred to parents freaking out about Rainbow parties (something which has never been proven to occur, but would make a great porn) and I assume 9/11 has something to do with the lack of newstories about it as well because 9/11 has everything to do with everything. EVERYTHING.

 

2. Jenkem

 

this was pretty much the only google image search result for the word "poop" that didn't make me gag.

 

 

I know it totally sounds like either a curse a prospector from the early 1900’s would use, or the name of  a guy that was supposed to called Jensen but his mom hiccupped halfway through while the nurse was writing the birth certificate. but unfortunately this is a drug made from poop. Sorry. Basically what you do is scoop poop into a bag, let it sit and ferment for a few days and then huff it. That’s pretty much about it. I have to say this homemade drug wins for having the fewest steps possible.

 

"ok, wait.. I take the poo and do what? what bag?....I should write this down, it's hard"

 

 

Shockingly enough this drug has not gained much popularity anywhere other than Africa where children huff the good shit (literally) this actually makes me pretty bummed out because as if Africa doesn’t have enough problems now they have to add this to the list.

In 2007 there were rumours of this trend heading to the USA but with most poop related things, it was traced back to an internet joke (I’m looking in your direction 4Chan) and of course it was taken seriously because it’s so plausible. There was an actual bulletin passed around a police station in Florida complete with photos of Jenkem that turned out to be a total prank from a kid. The bulletin reads like it’s fake but that part is actual real. Complete with the slang terms “Winnie” and “Butthash” I’m not making this up.

 

Turns out no kids were huffing shit and if they were they certainly weren’t admitting it. So the United States could breathe easy knowing their children were only huffing glue and spraypaint. Oh to be young again!

I guess it sort of makes sense since I guess poop is readily available to everyone. I guess if I was ever lost in the woods I would drink my pee until it turns black and then huff my poop until I saw some pretty fun stuff.

3. Duster

 

Throw in some Chex Mix and you have yourself a perfect friday night!

 

 

This holds a special place in my heart if only for that amazing episode of Intervention where that chick gets all bonkers on this shit. My favorite part is when she takes her duster and huffs it in a graveyard and passes out. It’s a fantastic episode, you should really watch it.

This is another huffing situation but instead of smelling doodoo, you take one of those cans of duster you use to clean out your keyboard, but instead of blasting out pieces of crackers from between the K and L keys, you stick that shit in your mouth and pull the trigger. I am pretty sure 60% of duster being sold is either being used to huff, spray in your friends face to freak them out, or turning the can upside down and freezing shit. Duster is really fun to play with you guys!

This can seriously kill your ass though. What happens is the people who huff it are getting high from the compressed gas. This gets you high for around a minute. That’s bullshit! Duster is expensive, it’s like 8 bucks for a can. You can buy a 40 of OE with 8 bucks! If I had a kid that I caught getting high from duster I would kick their ass for being an idiot and also for embarrassing me. If my kid died from that shit I would lie and say he just killed himself. Fucking kids these days.

 

now there's a daughter you can be proud of!

 

 

Anyways, you can legit die from this because the it can stop you from breathing and the chemicals can just settle into your lungs. Sounds pretty safe to me!

Seriously though, what the fuck youth? stop this. Just got smoke half a joint with your friends in your parents garage while they’re out for dinner. Then eat a thing of crackers and fall asleep. It’s the natural order of things.

4. Vodka Tampons

 

Match made in heaven!

 

 

This is a real tough situation for me because I love Vodka but I hate tampons. I’m torn. What you do is soak a tampon in vodka and cram it up your cram hole. This is fucking retarded. I assume only girls are doing this because I don’t care how drunk you want to get, if you are a dude you are not going to shove a tampon up your ass.

This is seriously so dumb and I can’t believe people actually do this shit. Just do 4 shots of fireball in a row like normal people, or skip lunch if you want to get really plastered. But then again I always get the worst cramps during my period (tmi?) so maybe I should invest in a vodka tampon. It might stop me from screaming at my boyfriend for making undercooked rice or from crying at long distance commercials. I’M A BALL OF EMOTIONS.

 

It makes sense that you can get drunker faster by shoving a booze soaked tampon all up in there but I think it could probably do some damage to your vagina. I really love my vagina so I don’t want to mess around with it, I’ll probably just stick to huffing poop. This also raises the question of how this got discovered in the first place. I’m thinking this started off as a dare.

5. Vodka eyeballing

 

"BEST FRIDAY NIGHT EVER!!"

 

 

Speaking of retarded dares here we have vodka eyeballing! oh and it is exactly what it sounds like. I really love vodka but I like to consume it with juice or soda, or sometimes in the summer by stirring it into my Slushee. It’s goddamn delicious. I have never looked at a bottle of vodka and thought “gee, I bet this would be way better if I shoved it in my goddamn eye” All the photos and videos I’ve seen of it seem to be very painful to the participants. I think if I was at a party and some guy ran in and started screaming while pouring vodka into his eye it would really ruin the evening.

 

"SO MUCH FUN AHHHH MY EYES I CAN'T SEE!! SOMEONE CALL MY MOM OH GOD"

 

 

The idea (I almost put eye-dea but decided against it) is that if you stick it in your eye you will get drunker way faster. Ya makes sense but isn’t part of the whole drinking experience enjoying your booze? I guess I should be glad that eyeballing and vodka tampons exist because no matter how many times I get drunk in the middle of the day and watch It’s Pat ( yesterday) I can always look at myself and say

“Hey guy, it’s not so bad! at least you aren’t shoving vodka in your eyeball or in your bathing suit area! Things are looking up!”

If I ever find myself in my bathroom with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a box of tampons in the other, then I will know: It’s time to get help.

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3 Responses to “I’ll stick to Vodka: 5 insane ways to get intoxicated”


  1. 1 Bryant November 25, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Honestly, a vodka flavoured vagina sounds awesome

  2. 2 Amy November 28, 2010 at 2:28 am

    Honestly, that Allison intervention episode is one the best things I’ve ever seen! There’s a “Walking on Sunshine” dedication to her on YouTube that is many different kinds of awesome. And I would most definitely go for the OE over a can of Duster. WTF chick!?

  3. 3 Vodka Brands January 5, 2013 at 1:19 am

    What I like most about vodka is the fact that I have no hangover and that you can mix it with almost anything.


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