My new years resolutions

Every year everyone goes through this: New years resolutions that are most likely broken before March. It seems like almost everyone vows to join a gym or lose weight and I think it’s because they feel guilty for eating chocolate and drinking in the middle of the day for the past month at various holiday functions. I will not make that promise this year. No, I will strive for things I will try to actually accomplish and that are possibly within my sweaty grasp. I say sweaty grasp because I suffer from a symptom called “childlike clammy hands” it makes holding hands with me almost impossible. You can ask any of my huge amount of ex boyfriends (2) Anyways I cannot change the size and texture of my hands…yet. I can, however, try to do the following in a years time:

1.Roll my eyes less at stupid people.

 

I give this two eye rolls and one "OH BROTHER!"

 

 

I have a really bad habit of rolling my eyes quite obviously at people who are saying dumb ass shit. Matt is constantly telling me to stop or if he knows that we’re going into some sort of situation that I will openly scoff at he prepares me beforehand. I don’t want you guys to think that I’m the hugest dick on the planet because I’m actually really nice, just not if you are a total idiot.

I think the people who bear the biggest brunt of my bitchiness are stupid girls. I cannot stand stupid girls because I know half of them aren’t actually stupid they just act that way because somewhere along the line they got the idea in their head that if they act stupider than the people they’re around that boys will like them. I decided to go the opposite route and be as loud and opinionated as possible. It has led to at least one man trying to punch me in the head so I don’t know if I can really defend my way of living all that well.

Anyways, I have had to go on dinner dates with my boyfriend and one of his friends and a dumb girl on more that one occasion but the worst has to be when I went out for dinner with this stupid girl who had a boyfriend yet was on a date with this other guy and then when we walked back to the car she asked me where my boyfriend was that night. I think my eyes nearly rolled up inside of my ocular cavity never to be seen again because she seemed genuinely shocked that the dude I just ate dinner with and kissed in the parking lot was my boyfriend.

 

but the real question is: where is her boyfriend???

 

 

Later that night Matts friend refused to cut her limes for her Coronas because “her legs aren’t fucking broken” and I had to fight the urge several times to take her aside and give her a heartfelt speech about how she didn’t need to put up with that because she’s a modern woman and blab la bla, but I wasn’t a sassy black woman and this girl was just flat out dumb so I just kept rolling my eyes.

 

OOOH CHILD, YOU DONT NEED A MAN. UNLESS THAT MAN IS DRESSED AS A WISE BLACK WOMAN.

 

 

So that was just an example of the sort things I roll my eyes at and now that I think about it, that dumb broad deserved house upon hours of eye rolling. So I decided I’m going to keep rolling my eyes but only exclusively at dumb girls. I think I can live with that compromise.

2. Learn to Hulahoop

 

bitch.

 

 

Hula hooping has been very elusive to me over the years and it sickens me to my very core that I cannot do it. I also can’t dance to save my life so maybe these two things are connected. Either way God has cursed me. Whenever I try to hula hoop I always think I’m doing it and just as I yell IM DOING IT! The hoop falls down around my feet and my hopes and dreams fall with it.

I know that as an adult with a full time job and clean criminal record I shouldn’t let this defeat me but it does. It truly, truly does. I feel the same way about my inability to fly a kite properly and I worry that if I ever have kids one day they will come up to me and ask me to teach them how to fly a kite or hula hoop and I’ll get the chokes under the pressure and have to abandon them and start a fresh life away from their judging eyes. I can’t decide if that would be worse or if having a child that could hula hoop and fly kites extremely well would be worse. It would be like a protégée surpassing the mentor situation, and I just can’t have that. I would have to murder my kid as soon as they showed any signs of hip shaking skills. It would be the only way.

 

it also kills know it all kids who think they're better than me!!

 

 

So I really have no choice but to learn how to hulahoop if only to prevent me from committing infanticide somewhere down the road. I owe it to society and the justice system to properly learn to gyrate my hips.

My friend Tracy used to have a hulahoop at her house and everytime I was over there drinking I would try to hulahoop and I could never do it. She has excellent hulahooping skills and it enrages me. In fact if any of you are ever around me and you start hulahooping, look at my face. That look you see is one of silent rage and bitter longing. It is the face of a broken woman.

3.Finally getting around to growing out my beard

 

I already have the chest hair, I just need that beard.

 

 

I love beards. I love them so hard. More men should have beards because they are super sexy and all the ladies (me) love them. But if you are going to grow a beard make sure that you can make it thick and full and also never grow one if you have really light blonde hair because it looks super creepy.

 

"HEY LADIES WHO WANTS TO HAVE THEIR NECK SLIT AFTER I FORCE YOU TO COMB MY BEARD FOR SEVERAL HOURS"

 

 

My boyfriend refuses to grow a beard because he thinks it will be “unprofessional” which is retarded because I know he spends half his work day fucking around on google street view and the other half emailing me about what’s for dinner. He is clearly the perfect candidate for a beard. So if he won’t grow a beard I guess I need to take things into my own hands and grow one myself. I have a lot of things planned for my beard:

-getting bits of food stuck in it

-standing in front of a mirror and stroking it

-twirling it evilly while I watch a girl tied to train tracks wriggle around

-scratching it really loudly in crowded elevators

-talking about how majestic it is

-shaving it at the end of the summer so I have a beard farmers tan

The list really goes on and on here. I can’t believe I waited this long to do this. I’m a fool. So I’m on day one of beard growing and things are going pretty slowly so far, I’m hoping that the fact that I am a woman will not come into play and that god will just smile down upon me and let me grow magical face follicles that I can comb out and spray paint white in the winter to pretend I’m Santa Claus. Please God, just this once do me a solid!

4. Challenge more people to duels.

 

HISTORY

 

 

Probably at least twice a day I encounter someone I want to duel so very badly. Unfortunately for me, this isn’t the 1800’s and dueling is probably frowned upon. You can thank the war on terror for making society frown upon two people whipping out pistols and shooting each other in the face.

pictured: the less popular "pistol and jazz hands" duel

My favorite part of dueling is the challenging, which is accomplished by slapping your future opponent in the face with a glove. my fingers are itching just thinking about slapping someone in the face with a glove. I have an excellent pair of leather gloves that would be perfect for challenging someone to a duel or choking Nicole Brown to death.  I should mention that I have absolutely no skill with a gun, I once shot a jug but I’m not confident that when it came to crunch time that I could successfully shoot a person. Maybe I should change this resolution to “learn to shoot a gun at a person” but that seems like a lot of time and money wasted when I could be just slapping people in the face with gloves.

"too soon on that Nicole joke"

I guess I could challenge someone to a duel with a sword but I’m also pretty bad with knives and I always seem to drop one on the floor when I’m cutting an apple. I need to work on my basic motor skills apparently.

I think I would be ok with not knowing any sort of murdering techniques because in this day and age no one is expecting to be challenged to a duel, they’re more used to passive aggressive jabs through facebook and not actual jabs from a goddamn sword. I could probably slap about 20 people in the face before I actually ran into someone who would accept my duel. I like those odds. I like them alot. You know what, I should combine this resolution and the beard resolution and up those odds because no one is going to accept a duel from a grown woman with a fucking beard.

Advertisements

12 Responses to “My new years resolutions”


  1. 1 Fink December 12, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Beards what can I say. I’m growing mine out for the first time. I have tried in the past but could only go for so long before I shaved. Now that I have almost a full beard it is obvious that the hair on my head does not match the hair on my face. I have dark brown hair on my head. And Light brown and redish hair on my face.

    Alot of people have asked me if I die my hair different. I just look at them and laugh. And role my eyes.

    But thats my rigsamarole.

  2. 2 Fink December 12, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Also if your Hula hooping skills weren’t bad enough. Look up Safire Hula Hoop. If you get the correct video. She will be dancing to Paramore’s Misery Business.

    I do not represent that website at all. I just think that she is an amazing Hula Hooping artist. If one is to put it.

  3. 3 Adrienne December 12, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    I think that beards are so sexy, and I wish more fellas would grow them. One of the big reasons I’m single is because I’m holding out for a gentleman with a very nice and full beard. Or a mohawk. So a big high-five for ladies who love beards!

  4. 4 Tracy December 14, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    why does being mentioned in peoples’ blog posts bring me so much joy? I’ll teach you to hoop it anytime you like–WINK!

  5. 5 Jackie December 24, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Beards. Holy fucking shit. My boyfriend grew one in time for me to see him because we live on opposite sides of the country. I think I spent more time scratching his beard than anything (win-lose? you decide).

    I might also be a beard-slut. I have a couple of guy friends who have some mighty beards, and I just love scratching those.

    Wow, does that count as cheating?

  6. 8 Daniel December 25, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    its a bit of a dissapointment that i cant comment on all of the topics you blog about individually considering theyre all amazing but im way too damn lazy to do that and i have no idea how to send you mail considering ive been aware of your blog for such a short time.anyway i came across your blog by accident looking up a zoolander reference to meekus on google images and im definitely glad that i did because ive never laughed so damn hard (maybe an exaggeration but obviously i cant no for sure since i dont record everytime i laugh like a creepy pedophile would to little boys just to compare them to later laughs). i honestly dont know how anyone could write you hate mail if your so obviously talented blogging; even if i was ever ripped on your blog i would still probably laugh my ass off like i have reading the responses and comments youve made on other peoples responses. everything that ive read you write about makes so much sense especially the count being such a boss and other random topics, besides anyone being attractive or even remotely socially acceptable from twilight considering all of them are such giant pansys and the most obvious reason that im a guy and not gay like anyone from that movie. i think your quite possibly the funniest person ive ever read and i reading your blogs are amazing so please keep up the witty comments and blogs not that i believe you would just up and stop for some reason, and i dont think your a drunk but drinking does make things pretty damn fun. it would be pretty entertaining if you would respond to this comment epecially since from what ive read about you youre pretty amazing and unlike most idiots who are barely able to understand the concept of what CGI stands for i can appresciate you witt coments and combacks and why Alvin and the Chipmunks was complete trash and i too lost parts of my soul just in seeing the trailer and when the second came out i was pretty close to being left a hollow shell of what i once was; thank god good movie trailers were on later that day or i might have been lost and i shutter to think of the thought of what might have happened if i dared to see any of them…anyway to sum things up, your amazing, your blogs are too, keep on truckin, you make alot of sense to me, and so on. By the way my grammars not perfect but i digress and im sure you will too.

    • 9 rigsamarole December 26, 2010 at 7:03 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and laughing at my blog! I read your whole comment despite there being no paragraph breaks so I hope you appreciate that fact. I promise I will never up and stop writing and I will continue drinking on weekdays, all for the sake of Internet comedy

      • 10 Daniel December 26, 2010 at 11:15 pm

        your welcome but to be honest it really wasnt much trouble at all. yes i do appreciate that very much actually thank you. ah yes im glad, thats all i couldve hoped for.

  7. 12 strangetributes January 3, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    I want to hula hoop too!!! Love the post and the blog!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s





%d bloggers like this: