Every year everyone goes through this: New years resolutions that are most likely broken before March. It seems like almost everyone vows to join a gym or lose weight and I think it’s because they feel guilty for eating chocolate and drinking in the middle of the day for the past month at various holiday functions. I will not make that promise this year. No, I will strive for things I will try to actually accomplish and that are possibly within my sweaty grasp. I say sweaty grasp because I suffer from a symptom called “childlike clammy hands” it makes holding hands with me almost impossible. You can ask any of my huge amount of ex boyfriends (2) Anyways I cannot change the size and texture of my hands…yet. I can, however, try to do the following in a years time:
1.Roll my eyes less at stupid people.
I have a really bad habit of rolling my eyes quite obviously at people who are saying dumb ass shit. Matt is constantly telling me to stop or if he knows that we’re going into some sort of situation that I will openly scoff at he prepares me beforehand. I don’t want you guys to think that I’m the hugest dick on the planet because I’m actually really nice, just not if you are a total idiot.
I think the people who bear the biggest brunt of my bitchiness are stupid girls. I cannot stand stupid girls because I know half of them aren’t actually stupid they just act that way because somewhere along the line they got the idea in their head that if they act stupider than the people they’re around that boys will like them. I decided to go the opposite route and be as loud and opinionated as possible. It has led to at least one man trying to punch me in the head so I don’t know if I can really defend my way of living all that well.
Anyways, I have had to go on dinner dates with my boyfriend and one of his friends and a dumb girl on more that one occasion but the worst has to be when I went out for dinner with this stupid girl who had a boyfriend yet was on a date with this other guy and then when we walked back to the car she asked me where my boyfriend was that night. I think my eyes nearly rolled up inside of my ocular cavity never to be seen again because she seemed genuinely shocked that the dude I just ate dinner with and kissed in the parking lot was my boyfriend.
Later that night Matts friend refused to cut her limes for her Coronas because “her legs aren’t fucking broken” and I had to fight the urge several times to take her aside and give her a heartfelt speech about how she didn’t need to put up with that because she’s a modern woman and blab la bla, but I wasn’t a sassy black woman and this girl was just flat out dumb so I just kept rolling my eyes.
So that was just an example of the sort things I roll my eyes at and now that I think about it, that dumb broad deserved house upon hours of eye rolling. So I decided I’m going to keep rolling my eyes but only exclusively at dumb girls. I think I can live with that compromise.
2. Learn to Hulahoop
Hula hooping has been very elusive to me over the years and it sickens me to my very core that I cannot do it. I also can’t dance to save my life so maybe these two things are connected. Either way God has cursed me. Whenever I try to hula hoop I always think I’m doing it and just as I yell IM DOING IT! The hoop falls down around my feet and my hopes and dreams fall with it.
I know that as an adult with a full time job and clean criminal record I shouldn’t let this defeat me but it does. It truly, truly does. I feel the same way about my inability to fly a kite properly and I worry that if I ever have kids one day they will come up to me and ask me to teach them how to fly a kite or hula hoop and I’ll get the chokes under the pressure and have to abandon them and start a fresh life away from their judging eyes. I can’t decide if that would be worse or if having a child that could hula hoop and fly kites extremely well would be worse. It would be like a protégée surpassing the mentor situation, and I just can’t have that. I would have to murder my kid as soon as they showed any signs of hip shaking skills. It would be the only way.
So I really have no choice but to learn how to hulahoop if only to prevent me from committing infanticide somewhere down the road. I owe it to society and the justice system to properly learn to gyrate my hips.
My friend Tracy used to have a hulahoop at her house and everytime I was over there drinking I would try to hulahoop and I could never do it. She has excellent hulahooping skills and it enrages me. In fact if any of you are ever around me and you start hulahooping, look at my face. That look you see is one of silent rage and bitter longing. It is the face of a broken woman.
3.Finally getting around to growing out my beard
I love beards. I love them so hard. More men should have beards because they are super sexy and all the ladies (me) love them. But if you are going to grow a beard make sure that you can make it thick and full and also never grow one if you have really light blonde hair because it looks super creepy.
My boyfriend refuses to grow a beard because he thinks it will be “unprofessional” which is retarded because I know he spends half his work day fucking around on google street view and the other half emailing me about what’s for dinner. He is clearly the perfect candidate for a beard. So if he won’t grow a beard I guess I need to take things into my own hands and grow one myself. I have a lot of things planned for my beard:
-getting bits of food stuck in it
-standing in front of a mirror and stroking it
-twirling it evilly while I watch a girl tied to train tracks wriggle around
-scratching it really loudly in crowded elevators
-talking about how majestic it is
-shaving it at the end of the summer so I have a beard farmers tan
The list really goes on and on here. I can’t believe I waited this long to do this. I’m a fool. So I’m on day one of beard growing and things are going pretty slowly so far, I’m hoping that the fact that I am a woman will not come into play and that god will just smile down upon me and let me grow magical face follicles that I can comb out and spray paint white in the winter to pretend I’m Santa Claus. Please God, just this once do me a solid!
4. Challenge more people to duels.
Probably at least twice a day I encounter someone I want to duel so very badly. Unfortunately for me, this isn’t the 1800’s and dueling is probably frowned upon. You can thank the war on terror for making society frown upon two people whipping out pistols and shooting each other in the face.
My favorite part of dueling is the challenging, which is accomplished by slapping your future opponent in the face with a glove. my fingers are itching just thinking about slapping someone in the face with a glove. I have an excellent pair of leather gloves that would be perfect for challenging someone to a duel or choking Nicole Brown to death. I should mention that I have absolutely no skill with a gun, I once shot a jug but I’m not confident that when it came to crunch time that I could successfully shoot a person. Maybe I should change this resolution to “learn to shoot a gun at a person” but that seems like a lot of time and money wasted when I could be just slapping people in the face with gloves.
I guess I could challenge someone to a duel with a sword but I’m also pretty bad with knives and I always seem to drop one on the floor when I’m cutting an apple. I need to work on my basic motor skills apparently.
I think I would be ok with not knowing any sort of murdering techniques because in this day and age no one is expecting to be challenged to a duel, they’re more used to passive aggressive jabs through facebook and not actual jabs from a goddamn sword. I could probably slap about 20 people in the face before I actually ran into someone who would accept my duel. I like those odds. I like them alot. You know what, I should combine this resolution and the beard resolution and up those odds because no one is going to accept a duel from a grown woman with a fucking beard.