Everyone knows about Freebie Five lists, and if you don’t then let me school you son. A freebie Five list is a list of five celebrities you can bone without consequences from your significant other. There are rules to this list: you can’t personally know anyone on the list, and you can only do the deed once. I, of course, have my own freebie five list and the people featured on it have changed every once and awhile, with the exception of my boy Duchovny who has stood unchallenged as number one on my list. As you can tell I have given this a lot of thought. I have yet to learn all my multiplication tables but I have organized a list of celebrities I can bang without getting shit from Matt. Clearly I have my priorities in order.
Anyways, the other day I was thinking about why should I be restricted to here and now celebs, why can’t my weird obsessive love transcend time and space? With that I bring you this: My historical Freebie Five.
1. Steve McQueen
This is pretty much a no brainer, just look at the guy. Even if you are a straight male or a lesbian you have to admit this dude is foxy. When I was like 17 I was woefully ignorant of this guy until my boyfriend at the time, Bryant, started watching his movies Bullitt and Le Mans. Despite having no interest at all in car racing, I clearly was interested in this dude. He is a total B.A. I was at my friend Greg and Rachels house awhile ago and discovered they had the Steve McQueen collection on DVD and I drunkenly harassed Greg to admit to me that he was handsome. He relented because my god, Steve McQueen is gorgeous.
Unfortunately he died 6 years before I was born so that really threw a wrench in my plans. Plus even if he was alive for the better part of the 80’s I would be like 3 years old and obviously not in any state to seduce a full grown man. Not like I am now, with my loudmouthy-ness and my penchant for arguing about how shitty DC comics are when I’m drunk.
Anyways when this dude was alive he was so cool! Not only did he race cars but he invented parts for racecars! He was like a super sexy racecar scientist. I want to print that on my business card. He was also obviously a pretty big actor and at the height of his career he was like “fuck it, I quit this bitch” and decided he would rather drive around the country in a goddamn motorhome and tool around on motorcycles instead. Unfortunately this GQ Mother Effer died when he was 50 from a combination of cancer, a heart attack and God wanting him to come race Go-Karts with him in heaven.
2.Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg
I probably should have mentioned when I started that this list is going to be pretty offensive. My bad.
This total hunk tried and unfortunately did not succeed in blowing the shit out of Adolf Hitler. It’s ok though because he still got pretty close and plus he had a totally sexy eye patch, but he also had a totally unsexy MISSING HAND.
I just re read that paragraph and realized I sound like a total asshole. I’m ok with that though because I think all of you can agree with me that this man was a stone cold fox. I will soon find myself doodling “Rigs Graf Von Stauffenberg” on all my notepads.
This handsome devil got brought to my attention when I watched that movie Valkyrie and in my usual custom, I wiki’ed the shizz out of him as soon as the movie was over and I was all “holy god, look at this fucking sexy German war hero” He’s really the whole package: handsome, rich, and he tried to blow up the biggest jerkoff in history. I have a friend who lives in Germany and I guarentee if he’s reading this he’s either laughing his ass off or shaking his head and cursing me angrily in German. Claus is a big hero in Germany so I don’t know if I’m being disrespectful or not by saying I want to go back in time and totally get it with him. I think it would be more disrespectful if I said I didn’t want to get down and dirrrrty with him? I don’t know. I have a very shaky knowledge of the social contract.
I really have a thing for guys with beards and Honest Abe is the guy with the beard. He also single handedly dominated the stove pipe hat market. Just like MJ’s weird one glove, the stovepipe hat is synonimous with Lincoln. So one of the reasons he’s on this list is that he is a fashion superstar. Another reason is that he seems pretty down with the common man. He gew up in a shitty cabin, he thought owning slaves was super lame, he enjoyed the theater (too soon?) he was an all around pretty cool dude. I would for sure get all up in there and get weird with him and the beard hat combo. Plus I totally dressed up as him for Halloween last year so I feel that would be a pretty good ice breaker
4. Jesus Christ
So ya, like I said earlier this list might get a little offensive. But like I also said before, wouldn’t it be more offensive if I didn’t throw my hat in this ring? Then I would get hatemail from Christians demanding to know why I don’t think J.C. is sexy enough to be on this list. I assure you, he is. J.C. has a lot of things going for him and I know he’s somewhat down with the ladies because in my very loose grasp of the bible I did come away with knowing he totally hung out with Mary Magdalene. I went to lunch recently with my friend Carmen and mentioned J.C. being on this list and she just gave me the look I get alot. The look that says “I’m going to memorize your face now in case you get assassinated later on in life for being such an asshole” She claims I will get some hatemail from this doozy but I think I’m in the clear, and if I do get hatemail at least no one has discovered a way to send poison through the internet. Yet.
He has that lean muscle that everyone loves on a guy too so there’s that. Plus there’s the whole “turning water into wine” thing which is a huge draw because I could really save a lot of booze money that way. In all the pictures I’ve seen of him he always has a pretty rocking beard, and you guys all know how I feel about beards. I’m going to go ahead and assume he would want to date me exclusively after the deed because of that whole benevolent, son of God thing he’s got going on. He doesn’t seem like a one night stand kinda guy. This could make family dinners troublesome as my parents like to get drunk and dance to The Rolling Stones after almost every meal. I’m guessing J.C.s dad is more reserved than my parents and he’s probably going to be pretty tired after creating both the delicious dinner and also The Rolling Stones themselves.
5. Young Marlon Brando
Right off the bat I’m going to go ahead and say that I would not touch Brando with a 10 foot pole anytime after 1968. Actually no, I would use that pole to slam over his head for ever agreeing to be Supermans dad in the Superman movie. I just really, really hate Superman.
I can’t emphasize the YOUNG part enough because I don’t want you guys thinking I want to get all crazy with the goo monster Marlon later became. I honestly don’t know what happened there, everything just sort of fell apart. He got super fat, kept knocking up housekeepers and couldn’t keep his mouth shut about how he hated Jewish people. I can’t help but think that the love of a good woman (me) could get him to be less of an insane, fat, anti semitic sex machine.
I should probably email this list to Brando’s family because I think they would get some comfort in knowing a perverted girl with a comedy website sandwiched their loved one in with a German war hero and Lincoln in a list of guys from history I want to bone. Oh but wait there is that thing I wrote about him hating Jewish people…maybe this list should just stay between you and me, Internet.