say what? surgeries

In just a few short days I will be undergoing an operation. Unfortunately it is not to add sweet robotic parts, it’s to make my comically huge breasts less gigantic. For those of you that do not know me personally, it’s true: I have huge unwieldy boobs. You would think that a hilarious 80’s style double take aimed in your direction would be totally radical but when the eyes are looking directly at your chest and not your beautiful face or novelty “who farted?” baseball hat, the results can be ego destroying. The frequency of that occurring paired with my desire to be able to run half a kilometer without giving myself two black eyes has led me to this decision. I’m sure some of you are thinking “well good for you” and others are thinking “you are punching God in the face you ungrateful wench” and still others are thinking “I wish she put pictures up of her eating that KFC Double Down topless” well regardless of what you sickos think, this is happening. As I prepare myself for some days recouping on the couch with chocolate milk and XFiles DVD’s I was thinking that maybe other people have had way more bonkers surgery then removing prime real estate used for motorboating and resting plates of mini pizza bagels on.

 

Seasons 8 and 9 are not invited. GET OUT.

 

 

 

1.Surgery to remove limbs

“if it isn’t my old friend Mr.McGreg! with a leg for an arm, and an arm for a leg!”

 

So super weird right? You would think that people would want to hold onto the existing limbs they have or if anything, add to the limbs they have like some sort of sweet Dr. Octopus or Ganesha, But nooo these jerks want to compulsively remove their limbs. This compulsion is called body identity integrity disorder, and the people afflicted with it cannot stand their arms, legs and whatever else. It’s like you know when you’re all “argghhh these pants are too short! If only I could CHOP OFF MY LEG” oh that never happens to you? Well forget it.

 

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

Luckily most surgeons aren’t too keen to remove a limb for a person because “they will feel better afterwards” but people find a way around this by doing things like letting a train run over their leg or injuring their limb so badly that doctors will be forced to amputate. I guess you have to give it to them for that. They’re in it to win it. I can hardly make it through 45 minutes of cardio and these people are so dedicated to their self image they are willing to let a frigging train run over their arms. Kudos, I say, Kudos.

 

2. Blepharoplasty

 

fun fact: Malcom McDowell suffered permanent eye damage from filming this scene for Clockwork Orange. I'm not trying to be funny, I just really like movie trivia

 

 

As a general rule of thumb I do not want anything, including thumbs, anywhere near my eyeballs. I can’t stand eye drops or that thing where people poke at their eye to freak out their little sisters (Thanks Eamon) so the idea of an scalpels anywhere near my beautiful baby blues makes me go into full cardiac arrest. This surgery isn’t actually anything to do with the eyeball but the skin around it which is almost worse because it’s usually totally cosmetic and doesn’t help you see your poor life choices any better. This surgery is almost exclusively done in Asia because that’s where the most Asian people live…? I tried to make that sentence sound less racist and that’s the best I could come up with. This surgery actually bums me out a bit because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with these peoples eyes to begin with, but I guess people could say the same about me and since I don’t have to live in their shoes who am I to judge? (please disregard all you know about me and my judgy ways to take this statement seriously)

 

WE ARE SIAMESE IF YOU PLEASE. hahaha good old fashioned cartoon racism.

 

 

Basically what they do here is give the eyelids a little fold to form more of a lid and less of a…different lid. I’m telling you it seems pretty pointless. This is like the surgery equivalent of cutting a few centimeters off your hair and then going NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT??? To everyone you encounter. Also don’t ever google this surgery or else you will almost barf into your cupped hands like I did. It costs a few grand but if you have a droopy dog level of eyelids then you can claim it under your insurance. Also after the surgery you get to wear super dark sunglasses for like 14 days so you can use that time to pretend you’re a spy or a Blues Brother. Now that I think about it maybe this surgery isn’t so bad after all.

3.Dimple fabrication

 

oh yikes!

 

 

The most worrisome thing about this is that photo I found to advertise it was that creepy man with a bad mustache grinning with his new dimples. If you are a man with a weaseley looking mustache please do not get dimples, it’s just creepy and you’re creepy. Stop being creepy mustache dimple guy!

you too Mario Lopez! you are creeping me right the fuck out

On everyone without gross, highschool boy mustaches dimples are obviously adorable. I also really enjoy freckles but only if they’re not all over the damn place. I have been blessed with freckles but not with dimples and I’ve come to peace with that. If I was so inclined to give myself dimples it isn’t with that gun Lisa Simpsons tap dancing teacher used on her students, it’s a legit procedure. In just 20 minutes a surgeon can put you under and scoop out a bit of cheek tissue to give you a perfect dimple that will make you even more precious when you bat your eyelids and say “Sowwy for dwinking all the whiskey Tee Hee!” This is completely retarded because the next day when your friends are like “hey wait, did you just get dimples?” and you’re like “ya, no big deal, a doctor scooped some of my cheek tissue out to make me cuter! Tee hee!” it’s not cute, you are now on the same level with mustache dimple guy because you’re trying to damn hard and you are weirding everyone out. I think the key to plastic surgery is to either do something so big that everyone notices and you go on and on about it or you do something really minimal and never speak of it to anyone and if someone asks what’s different about you, you just shout NOTHING DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT at them and then look shiftily from side to side. Dimpling is one of the latter cases but I think the sort of people who are so vain to get dimples frigging implanted on their cheeks are the same kind of people who can’t shut their damn mouths about themselves.

 

So yea clearly I am not properly exploring my surgical options because I could be rocking several of these while I’m under the knife. I think I’m going to go for the breast reduction-dimple combo, wherein I ask the surgeon to put dimples on my breasts. My boobs will look like Matthew McConaghys face in no time! stubbly Matthew of course, what with my chest hair.

 


 

 

 


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3 Responses to “say what? surgeries”


  1. 1 GC January 2, 2011 at 1:37 am

    It’s a shame that such a gift can also be such a source of frustration. I hope you find the relief you’re looking for. You should take a few pictures of your pre-surgury self, BECAUSE I’M EXPECTING BEFORE AND AFTER SHOTS LIKE THAT PEDOPHILE WITH THE DIMPLES. Bonus points if it’s NSFW.

  2. 2 SundinR January 2, 2011 at 3:11 am

    I cast my ballot in the “punching god in the face” bin. Also, I KNOW the irony of your using chocolate milk as a recuperative after this particular procedure is not lost on you. That being said, heal well, and quickly, because the world needs more vitriolic jaded twenty-somethings. I’ll send a shiny silver Mylar balloon with Duchovny’s Simpson’s speedo perv picture on it.

  3. 3 Chloe January 2, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    You have this awesome knack at posting just when I have had the worst day. I cannot possibly tell you how much comedy your posts have given my horrid days…THANK YOU! Please be well and I hope your operation is as awesome as you are!


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