I feel like I’ve written about this a million times but everytime I turn my back I keep discovering way more disgusting foods, it’s like a god damn gross food jamboree in 80% of the grocery store. So once again let’s take a vomit inducing journey to make us all feel a little better about the time you ate cheeseburgers in the bathtub.
1.Cereal in a can
Really society? Is this happening? You know what most people do if they want cereal but don’t have time to eat it? They eat a granola bar. I don’t understand this obsession with food on the go, who are these people that are constantly on the go? If you don’t have enough time to sit down and eat a bowl of cereal you need to seriously rethink your time management skills. It takes like 4 minutes to eat a bowl of cereal.
Anyways, I know what you’re all thinking: Is there chunks of cereal floating around in this can? The answer is yes. Yes there is. Congrats to this company for harnessing everyones least favorite part of eating cereal: mushy ass chunks of it. I know when I reach for a drink I want something I have to chew. I have never seen a can of this stuff with my own eyes and that’s probably a good thing because I’m not going to lie, this seems like something I would buy when I was drunk or would drink on a dare. I should special order in some for my friend Brianne because she can’t stand certain textures in her mouth and I’m pretty sure just thinking about this thing is making her gag. I usually laugh at her for freaking out if there’s a mushy tomato anywhere near her but I’m with her on this one.
Maybe I’m totally off track here and this canned cereal is actually delicious. People like drinking the sugary milk leftover in the cereal bowl so it can’t be all that bad, right? But then again there is the chunk issue. No one likes chunks in their mouth. (I’m not touching that joke set up with a 10 foot pole)
I guess I shouldn’t think it’s really that messed up because it’s essentially a chicken strip that comes out of the toaster. Something about it bothers me so much though and I think it might be that jackass drawing of a kid with sunglasses. It looks like someone made a time machine, traveled back to 1994 and made the first person they saw walking down the street draw a picture of a kid. Am I overreacting about a shitty mascot from a food product I’m sure most of you haven’t heard about before now? Probably. But I mean, look at that jerk. I love the motto of “snack or Jus’ cuz” What the fuck is “Jus’ cuz”??? I can accept poor chicken substitute snacks but I cannot accept poor grammar. IT’S JUST BECAUSE. No kid ever says “Jus’ cuz” I’m sure they say “Just cuz” but you tried too hard to push the “extreme” envelope by taking away that T
So anyways I used to always make chicken strips in my parents toaster oven when I was in highschool so if I saw these badboys then I probably would have gone insane with lust. Something has changed though and I cringe at the thought of popping a crispy strip of chicken out of my goddamn toaster, so I guess this is what it feels like to be an adult. This is just like the time I ate two packages of Starbursts back to back and felt like I was going to die. I am no longer a child, I am an adult. I will weep for my innocence by drinking a 2L of Mountain Dew.
3. Burgers, Chicken in a can
Great things come in cans, things like beer, coolers, other various boozes, peanuts, snakes that you think are going to be delicious peanuts but it’s just a snake that pops out at you, and probably some other boring things like Insulin or something.
Chicken and burgers are great food, but not when they are in can form. I don’t know why these even exist. The burger one seems to be aimed to people who camp or hike alot but the people I know that are really serious about camping and hiking wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole, and the rest of the people I know that camp do it exactly like I do: randomly drive out in the woods, crack your first drink as soon as you hit dirt road and eat hotdogs and doritos for dinner.
Luckily I’m not the first person to check out gross things on the Internet and someone else has already done the dirty work for me and bought and taken photos of these things already, so let’s give those a peruse.
Sweet lord. I recently had some friends over for dinner and felt really bad about completely burning the top of the chicken I was roasting but at least I didn’t serve them this mess of a canned chicken. What is with all that extra goop and slime around it? It looks like something that would burst out of a chest and then terrorize a crew aboard a spaceship. I assume the sales for these are mostly made up of people buying them as a joke and I sincerely hope no one is eating these genuinely. I think it would be most depressing thing in the world to come home to a canned chicken.
Despite the look of I feel like the burger is actually worse because I assume it looks and tastes exactly how your burger leftovers taste and look after a few days in the fridge. There is no way that the ingredients for a burger could live in harmony within that can. It’s like 12 century England in there, something’s going to upset the balance and the peasants are going to revolt. And by peasants I mean gag reflex.
4. Push food
As I said earlier, I don’t understand this constant preoccupation with eating food “on the go” Yes sometimes I eat “on the go” and usually I go for the classic apple or granola bar. But noooo these assholes had to up the ante and make this goddamn thing. Personally I think anyone who would consider buying and eating one of these things is probably not “on the go” or if they are, the going is very slow, sweaty and punctuated by the sounds of mouth breathing. My God this is an abomination.
I don’t even know how something like this could even come to be. Maybe someone dropped their pushpop on a bowl of macaroni and had an epiphany. Or maybe this is some sort of huge joke by the company who makes it and the CEO spends his afternoons hiding behind the grocery freezer and giggling anytime someone buys a box.
The company name “Incr-Edibles” is both a horrible pun and a total slap in my face. How dare you insinuate that this food is either Incredible or for that matter, Edible. I looked into this further and found out they actually offer several flavours. Mac and Cheese, Scrambled eggs, Scrambled eggs with broccoli (WTF??) and Chili Mac (great name for a pimp)
These things are as far as I know only available in the United States so next time I go across the border I’ll be sure to buy a box, and then throw them up later on a border agent. I’m sure it will go smashingly.
This is different from the others on this list because I have actually had the displeasure of eating one. I tried to forget about it but it’s apparently so hilarious to certain people that they constantly have to bring it up. In order to further understand why I ate this thing let me tell you that I was in love, and the man I was in love with happened to be Dutch. I hope that explains why I tried to eat this monstrosity.
If you can’t tell by the picture let me enlighten you: that is a pickle and wrapped around it is a pickled herring. Before you ask I have no idea why they called it a Rollmop because “pickled death” sounds far more accurate. Delicious right? well some people, including the aforementioned ex-boyfriend, thought so. I’m still friend with Bryant but now that I’m reliving that horrible moment I might have to rethink that and kick him out of my will. I know he would be depressed about that because when I die he is set to inherit my white terry cloth short shorts that always drove him mad with passion when I would wear them and watch cartoons. Anyways, you can go out and buy this at your local Save On probably so if you are so inclined I would love for some of you to go buy some, eat them, and then email me death threats for putting the idea in your head in the first place.
Let me set the scene for you to properly appreciate what I went through. My boyfriend at the time, Bryant, for some reason bought a damn jar of this stuff and brought it over to my parents house where I was living at the time because I was 19 and poor as hell. Anyways he’s all “hey you want to try one?” and like thousands of girls before and after me, I put something gross in my mouth so that a boy would like me more. I carefully selected my rollmop because I figured the smaller it was the less horrible it would be. God was apparently angry at me for something so he was all “we’ll see about that bitch” and determined that the rollmop I chose was probably the worst in the jar. I decided wisely to eat it over the sink because there was a 50% chance I would barf, so I raised the pickled mess up to my face and then something happened that I will never forget. A fin popped out of the side of the herring. It wouldn’t have been so bad but it was plastered to the side of the fish for so long that when it was finally freed from its briny prison it wanted to spread its wings so to speak and as it unfurled it flung gross rollmop water onto my hand. I am convinced that if that rollmop didn’t have a fin I wouldn’t have reacted so violently.
Anyways, I crammed the thing in and instantly went green. It was salty, it was fishy, it had an appendage still attached. It was nothing I wanted in my mouth ever again. I didn’t even eat the thing I just sort of opened my mouth and let it roll out into the sink, and as I glared down at the monstrosity I swear that little fin waved at me.