There are several things I love in this world. One of them is movies, another thing is videogames. I also love saying ROADTRIP in unison with other people and pie. Anyways, we’re not here to talk about those last two unless one of you is proposing we go on a roadtrip to get pie. (PLEASE???) we’re here to talk about the first two, and more specifically what can go horribly wrong when you combine the two of those. There are very few acceptable videogame to movie conversions, I can think of Silent Hill and the first Resident Evil movie. They’re making Bioshock into a movie and they better not mess it up because I love that game ever so much. But more often than not they are just the worst, so lets talk about it while you figure out where we should drive to get pie. I enjoy apple.
1. House of the Dead
I actually did a stand alone review of this movie. I watched, drank and swore and the next day went through the article with spellcheck before I exposed it to your delicate eyeballs. This movie was so terrible I decided it deserved a second mention. Unfortunately a film studio also decided it needed a second mention because they made a sequel. I have not seen the sequel but I did pass the case at a video store and gave it a pretty vicious side eye glare because its very presence was like a big eff you from God. Let’s watch the trailer for the second one and hopefully that will be enough to hold us over. Also,if you’re bulimic it will probably get the juices flowing.
oh sweet jesus that was horrible. My boyfriend has nicer cameras that he uses to film for his website and those are just videos of people riding bikes off cliffs. I don’t understand how a fully funded movie with, I assume, a pretty nice craft services table can get away with such poor film quality. This happens to me every once and awhile, I’ll rent a pretty hilarious looking horror movie and get home and discover the thing looks like it’s been hanging out in Hitlers bunker for the past 50 years. I once rented a movie that had no sound whatsoever whenever anyone got killed, it was really unsettling.
Anyways, That movie starred such heavy hitters as “that guy who played the clown in House of 1000 corpses” and “that chick Sam nailed on Supernatural and then Dean shot her later because she was actually a werewolf. Oh wait, maybe it was Sam that shot her, I haven’t seen the episode for a long time, it was terrible” that movie looks like balls. Let’s move on.
2.Alone in the dark
I remember getting the first version of this videogame on a shareware disc back in like 96 and being like OH WOW A SCARY GAME. My enthusiasm was quickly deflated when I spent 15 minutes struggling with trying to get out of a room. Just seeing screen caps of that dumb ass pixelated woman standing there like an idiot in her stupid green dress sends me into a rage. Anyways, the movie was just as shitty as the game but on the plus side it wasn’t 90 minutes of a woman wandering around a cabin. That is literally where my postivie comments end. To be fair, I’ve only actually seen half this movie but in my defense Tara Reid and Ethan Hawke were in it so you can see what I was working with. It was also about a museum? I have no idea.
They actually made a sequel to this as well, which leads me to believe that a horror movie is the easiest way to make money in the film industry because jag offs like myself will be like “meh, looks ok” I am way more likely to rent a bad looking horror movie than a comedy because if I watch a comedy and it’s not funny it enrages me because I’m like “I COULD DO BETTER! I’M FUNNY AS HELL!” but with a bad horror movie it’s like “well if it’s not scary, it will at least be unintentionally funny and there’s a pretty good chance for some bewbies!” Obviously my reasoning is sound.
I was pretty excited about this movie being made because I assumed it would have opened the floodgates and a Wolfenstein movie wouldn’t be far behind. I loved both those games as a kid and would spend hours watching my brother play them because I was too scared. Whenever I did get up the courage to play I always got extremely anxious whenever the guys face in the corner got bloody. I would feel so guilty when he would look at me with that one black eye. I’m sorry nameless Wolfenstein guy!
I actually didn’t think this movie was all that bad but I have a weird soft spot for The Rock. I don’t know if it’s because I was coming into womanhood while he was running around all sweaty in his undies during his wrestling days or what, but for some reason he can do no wrong in my eyes. That handsome Samoan devil aside, this movie was rough. I rented it with my boyfriend when we first started dating so I wasn’t as obnoxious to him then as I am now about my various and unending opinions. His friend Jared recommended it to us and I specifically remember as soon as it was over Matt turned it off and sat quietly for a few moments and then turned to me and said “let’s never take his advice on a movie ever again” and we never did, though I have made some bad movie calls in the past namely Zodiac which I’m pretty sure was 7 hours long and made no sense.
4.any resident evils after the first one
The first one was actually pretty creepy, it had a good atmosphere, the score was by Marilyn Manson, and the plot was written in such a way that it made sense to anyone who hadn’t played the game but still had enough elements of the original to satisfy fans. It was exactly what a movie adaptation of a videogame should be. But then something went wrong. The first one made money so a second one was made. The second one wasn’t too bad but it wasn’t anywhere as good as the first. I accepted it though, much like a mother begrudgingly accepts a second child that’s not as good looking as their first born (MOM) but then a third came and I could take no more. The plot was so out of hand, it involved clones and evil crows and something that I can never get passed as long as I live.
In order to do experiments on zombies, the scientists of the Umbrella corporation had to do something to mark the difference between their zombies and just run of the mill zombies. You would think this would be easily done by say, spray painting them with a big X or something but instead they put them all in jumpsuits. As soon as I saw that first horde of jumpsuited zombies the movie was over for me. Go ahead, scroll up and spend some time staring at that picture. You will also notice they’re wearing gloves. WHY. I couldn’t focus on anything else other than the several questions this scene brought up. Where did they get these jumpsuits? how did they get the zombies into the jumpsuits? why, in a post apocalyptic wasteland where resources are precious would they waste time and effort struggling to get zombies into a jumpsuit, and further more why would they waste the actual cloth used to make the jumpsuits? you can see my frustration here. Long after the movie was over I was left pondering this issue. I tossed and turned in bed picturing a group of scientists spending 45 minutes getting a comatose Zombie into a jumpsuit.
I haven’t seen the new one yet because I have burned in the past by this franchise, but my friend Jenna has seen it and I should ask her if they brought up the jumpsuit issue. I need closure.
5. The Super Mario Brothers movie.
This is getting its own stand alone review but I thought I would tantalize you with what’s to come. This is hands down the worst videogame adaptation and it’s not because it had bad production value or even bad acting. It’s because the movie was so far from what anyone could have ever imagined a Mario Bros. movie would be. It’s like a sick joke put to film.
The plot is so bonkers It totally gives you the feeling that whoever wrote it had an extremely weak grasp on the mario brothers games and probably got that knowledge from randomly calling someone in the phonebook and asking them about it. I remember being really excited to watch this as a kid and my brother and I rented it totally excited to have our minds blown at the awesomeness of it. I think that horrible experience actually brought us closer together because I specifically remember locking eyes with him after the movie was over. There was nothing to say to each other because we knew. We just knew we had witnessed the greatest crime set to film. Just as a small example the princess’ name is Daisy, not Peach even though some of you will argue that Daisy is Luigi’s girlfriends name but clearly they did not have that in mind when they made this movie. Also, Bowser isn’t a giant dinosaur. He is just a dude. Played by Dennis Hopper. Oh and I remember specifically near the end there’s a bizarre dance club scene where Mario and Luigi wear colourful leather suits.
This movie stars John Leguizamo as Luigi and some fat guy as Mario. I am ashamed to admit this but I had a crush on John Leguizamo very briefly, it started when I saw this movie and ended probably 45 minutes after the movie concluded. It went straight into the negatives as soon as The Pest was released. I had to go to three movie stores in town to find this garbage so that should tell you how dedicated I am to my craft and also how little pride I have because I went up to people and asked them if they had this movie in stock. So check back later for my full review of this monstrosity my little darlings!