My heterosexual life mate Jenna lives in Vancouver and I try to go visit her alot so we can do such stimulating activities as:
-watching a made for tv movie about Karla Holmoka
-getting drunk at the Vancouver Aquarium
-watching Brodyquest several times a day
As you can clearly see, I love spending time with her because we are both very shrill and nerdy and when we get together it’s like a supernova of awkwardness.
There is just one thing keeping me from truly enjoying my time with her. Its name is Nora.
I have never had an animal hate me so much in my entire life. Jennas cat truly despises me and I have no idea why. I’ll wake up in the morning and the first thing I see is her face hissing at me. I have no idea why though, I’m very nice to her, I feed her treats, and try to get her to play with me. It’s like I’m the ugly girl in school and Nora is the popular boy and I’ll do anything to make her love me. She hates me so much that in order to get from one side of the room to another she will slink along the wall while staring at me the entire time and then as soon as she gets where she wants to be she will turn around and hiss at me. I once knelt infront of Jennas coffee table to look something up online (Brodyquest no doubt) and the cat was sitting underneath and started savagely attacking my kneecaps. I don’t know who that bitch thinks she is, I could easily smash her head in yet she acts like such a whore. Anyways, I was thinking that there has to be even worse pets than Whora and I aimed to find them. So enjoy these while I go make a cat noose. I’ll make it look like suicide.
1. Any sort of wild animal
This should be a real no brainer but some people like Dancing with the Stars so clearly our populations gene pools are all sorts of fathoms. I remember a few summers ago hearing about how a guy had a pet tiger in a cage and a woman was wearing a flowy dress around it, and the tiger stuck its paw out to grab at the fabric but did a severe miscalculation and instead grabbed the womans leg instead and severed an artery causing her to bleed out and die. Way to go on your motorskills there tiger. Anyways when I heard this I was like that’s pretty messed up and then when I heard that it happened in a town like an hour away from where I live I was like say whaaaat. I live in British Columbia, Canada (no I can’t sell you pot) in a city 3 hours away from Vancouver. The idea of anyone getting ahold of a tiger in this area of Canada is both frightening and admirable somehow. At what point in your life are you like “you know what? house cats just aren’t doing it for me anymore, I’m buying a tiger!” I would imagine you would have to go through some pretty shady channels in order to get your hands on one as well, because I don’t think you can just buy a tiger off ebay.
Shockingly enough though, there are tons of dumb people out there that think if you get say, a cougar or bear as a cub it will grow up around humans and all of a sudden be tamed. That does not work. Have you ever seen Fox and the Hound? they said they were going to be friends forever but then they grew up and Tod and Copper could not be friends forever because one was a fox and one was a frigging hound. That movie devastated me as a child. But this isn’t about emotional scars from Disney movies, this is about people not knowing basic laws of the animal kingdom. Eventually your pet cougar is going to get gigantic and it will be really awkward when it tries to savagely maul your Uncle Ken at Thanksgiving dinner. It really bothers me because it’s not the animals fault these people are so stupid, so why should they be euthanized for just doin’ their thang?
On more than one occasion I have been savagely attacked by my cat just for petting him for either too long or not enough so maybe I have more in common with these idiots than I think.
2. Monkeys or Chimps
I feel this should really go without saying but some people think these devil animals are adorable. I can only think of one person who got away unscathed from owning a monkey and that is Ross Gellar. I say he got away unscathed because eventually he gave away his monkey before it got to the point where he started dressing it up in overalls and calling it his son. Plus, I’m pretty sure the monkey that played him just died or something so they were like Well I guess this plotline is over.
I watched an amazing show once called My Monkey Baby and it profiled people who had somewhere along the line lost their marbles completely and decided that their life course would now be that of creepy monkey parent. There was one case that was really sad because their kid died and instead of grieving they bought a monkey as a new son.
anyways, that special was hilarious and made me feel better about my life and my constant urge to dress my cat up in scarves, and for that one time I sang Patsy Cline to him. Suddenly I was a whole lot less crazy. But the reason monkeys are on this list isn’t because they make you look like a weirdo it is solely because of one chimpanzee. Travis.
Hilarious fact that a monkey had a person name aside, this monkey was one stone cold killer. This monkey straight up ripped a womans face off. As well as her hands. The idea of getting your hands ripped off creeps me right out because it seems so messed up, like yea I could see ripping off an ear or a few fingers but an entire frigging hand? get right out of town!
What happened, if you haven’t already read the wikipedia article when you should have been working, is that Travis was owned by a woman who was friends with the aforementioned faceless woman, Charla Nash. Back when she had a face, she was called by her friend Sandra Herold had this monkey and for some reason it started going bonkers so she went over to help calm down the thing. First of all, if anyone ever called me to help me calm down their monkey I would absolutely say no. Anyways so she went over there and apparntly the monkey went totally bananas (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist) and went all apeshit (again, really sorry) on her and attacked her, the working theory is that the chimp didn’t recognize her because of her new hairstyle but my working theory is that the chimp knew who she was but didn’t approve of her 1996 Rachel hair cut (I’m also sorry for two Friends references in one article, it’s been on tv alot lately)
The monkey then proceeded to rip off her lips, most of her face, both her hands and generally just really mess up her world. The owner tried to stop him by first hitting him in the back with a shovel and then STABBING HIM but he was relentless and didn’t stop because he apparently really wanted to finish the job. Eventually the cops showed up and capped his ass and he died. You know what’s funny about that whole thing? obviously nothing that any sane or caring person would laugh at but something about the fact that he was probably wearing little pants during his massacre is really hilarious to me. Think about it and I dare you not to laugh. but dont think about it too hard because I don’t want you guys to have nightmares of little monkeys in dungarees trying to rip off your arms.
Charla survived the attack because a little voice inside her told her to not give up fighting because if she lived she could be on the Oprah show! and her wish was granted.
3. Hermit Crabs
These aren’t on the list for any dangerous reason like the first two, it’s because they are just super lame pets. If my parents asked me when I was little if I would like a pet hermit crab or nothing, I would probably go with nothing. You know why? Because it is 100% less embarassing to tell your friends that you don’t have any pets then to tell them you have a pet hermit crab. They don’t do anything. I guess you could pick it up and shake it but that seems only fun for a few seconds. Pretty much all they do is mill around and at night make creepy rustling/scratching noises that will haunt your dreams.
I used to have a pet gecko that I loved so much until my dad had to go get it put down because she was really sick. And yes I paid for a gecko to get put down. It was 10 dollars. Actually now that I think about it I think my dad picked up the tab because I was too busy sobbing. Anyways, whenever I went to the pet store to buy her crickets I would always have to walk past the hermit crab tank and I always gave the tank the side eye of “gurl are you for real?” and then one day it happened.
I walked past the tank and in mid eye roll I spotted it. A hermit crab with a little painting on its shell. I moved closer to see what it was and then quickly reeled back in horror. If there was a wall nearby I would have slid down it while crying softly. Someone had painted a very crude, stranger bitch version of Shaggy from Scooby Doo on top of this poor crabs shell.
I almost bought the thing just so I could go out and give it a good mercy stomp to death in the parking lot but I decided against it. Weeks later when I went in I rushed over to the tank to see if anyone had bought Shaggy crab and was met with an even more troubling visual. Now milling alongside Shaggy was a crab with Spongebob painted on it. WHAT WAS HAPPENING. I have no idea how someone painted on a harmit crab shell, or why for that matter. I don’t think any child would be dumb enough to confuse a crab with Spongebob or a stoner in a green shirt from a 60’s cartoon. That was the only time I have felt bad for the plight of the hermit crab. NEVER AGAIN. Unless maybe I see one with like Justin Bieber painted on it, then I would mercy stomp it.
I’m sure a lot of you are arguing that birds don’t deserve to be on a list alongside murderous chimps and boring ass crabs. I disagree. Birds are horrifying mistakes of nature. I dare you to not be scared beyond reason if a flock of geese just start trunning at you for no reason, or a bunch of sparrows start flying around you all insane. My boyfriend got bit by an emu at the zoo when he was little, the thing really, really wanted that Dorito he had in his hand. My brother has also gotten bit in the crotch by a goose at a young age. I suspect the birds are making their way up to me and I will be next. But this isn’t about giant freaky bitds this is about little birds you keep in your house, like cockatoos and uhh that’s actually the only kind I know of.
My first highschool boyfriend had a pet Cockatoo or whatever the hell it was and it was named Corona. That thing was the devil. I hope it’s dead. I know you read this Chris and I don’t care: I hated that bird and I hope it’s dead. I was very young and just starting to be mildly good looking, I had a huge set of jugs but I was still getting over the social stigma of having huge buck teeth and rocking a great set of Harry Potter glasses years before that book was even written. Because of this, I really, really wanted Chris to like me. Plus, he was new in the school so he was a real hot commodity and now that I think about it he might have only dated me because he didn’t know about my unfortunate case of the uglies that plagued me from Grades 7-10. Anyways I went over to his house one day all excited and that thing was chilling out on top of the drapes. I nearly shit. I wish I was wearing those Harry Potter glasses so I could Avada Kedavra that thing to the grave but I just did what any other girl does that desperate for a boy to like her:I Lied my ass off.
I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even hide my fear or hatred very good while I tried to say I liked the bird, and the bird must have sensed it because it decided to start wildly flying around the room and I ducked behind my boyfriend in fear but probably tried to pass it off as some sort of weird backwards hug or something. Damn I was smooth.
Anyways I only went over to his house a few times after that and then he totally dumped me at lunch one day and I was devastated even though we only dated for like a month and I hadn’t even slept with him. In retrospect maybe that’s why he dumped me. It was either that or my bright blue T-Shirt that had velicoraptors on it that I insisted on wearing all the time, or the time I hiked XL mens sweatpants up to my armpits and did a jig infront of him. Man, I’m a real catch.
So maybe that’s why I have an unending hatred of birds, I forever link them to a time when my heart was so tender and I was burned so badly by my first real chance at love. That and they have really beady eyes that creep me right the fuck out.
Well as you can see having a pet is no laughing matter they could easily crush your head or bore you to death. So if you have a good pet you should love it and if it’s bad you should do what I do: yell at it that it would be dead if you didn’t rescue it from that shelter