Yes, this happened. I went to go see Drive Angry starring my arch nemesis Nicolas Cage. Why you ask? Pretty much specifically so I could write a blog about it. See how much I love you guys? Although it was free because I forgot my debit card so Darcy bought my ticket, so there’s that. But in my defense I know I’m going to have to cough up 14 bucks when he makes me go see Fast and the Furious 8 or whatever the fuck it is comes out. May God have mercy on my soul.
So I’m sure some of you have seen the ads for this on Tv, it’s about Nicolas Cage driving around shooting people and wearing a leather jacket, pretty standard Nicolas Cage movie fare. Oh what’s that? You didn’t know that it was about Nicolas Cage escaping from hell to track down the cult leader that murdered his daughter all the while trying to dodge a demon sent to take him back to hell? Yea, neither did the rest of the world. It really came out of left field.
Right off the bat we are greeted by Nicolas Cage shooting the shit out of some random people who apparently are members of a cult who murdered his daughter and kidnapped his granddaughter to use as a sacrifice to the devil to bring hell to Earth. First of all, why do people constantly insist on doing this? Hell is really awful so why would you ever want to bring it to the topsoil? Second of all, the entire backstory of Hell and Lucifer is that he hated humans for being his Dads favorite so he fell from grace, ergo I think he would pretty angry at having to leave hell to live with a bunch of humans and he would probably slaughter the shit out of everyone including the people who brought him up there, I think he just wants to get back to Heaven but I could be wrong. I am a heathen and my knowledge of the bible is shaky at best.
Anyways after exploding a car and walking slowly away from it he ends up at a diner where Kenny Powers girlfriend tries to hit on him and the first of many irritating scenes took place. He asks the waitress for black coffee, straight and then when she brings it to him he aggressively makes out with her for a bit and then yells at her for not bringing the sugar he asked for. BITCH YOU NEVER ASKED FOR SUGAR. Meanwhile another waitress named Piper quits angrily after her boss tries to diddle her by the grill and then hops in her car and drives away until her car starts steaming so she pulls over and does her best Megan Fox impression and leans over her car in jean shorts and sort of pokes at stuff. Suddenly a wild Nicolas Cage appears and uses his attack of turning a random valve in order to get a free ride. It’s super effective and they drive off to her house where Piper discovers her much less attractive boyfriend banging a very attractive woman, she responds by dragging the naked woman outside and beating the shit out of her like any good feminist. Her boyfriend is pretty angry as well and after letting her feed him a few shots he lays Piper out and Nicolas Cage saves her. She decides to just roll with this whole situation and they hit the road together.
I missed the next 20 minutes of the movie because when I went to pee the dude working at the theater asked me for my ticket stub so I had to go back into the theater, get it out of my purse and then go back and show him. I seriously can’t stand this dude, everytime I go to the movies he checks my ID even though I’m 25 goddamn years old or makes me show him my stub whenever I go pee, dude is like 30 years old and he has obviously gone mad with what little power being a theater employee has. I was all “Ugh my ticket is in my purse, I have these stupid 3D glasses and while we’re on the subject why would I sneak into this movie???” and he was all “go get your stub Miss” Goddamn the man! He can’t keep me down forever!
Anyways when I returned, a demon from Hell that was played by that one dude you see in everything but you don’t know his name showed up to chase Nicolas Cage and he killed Pipers less attractive boyfriend and convinced these two random cops to join him on his quest of shooting Nicolas Cage on sight, no questions asked. I wish more police officers would pledge to do this.
Next we greeted with possibly the most “WHY???” scene in all of cinematic history. Let me properly describe it for you. The dream team of Nicolas Cage, who by the way has the horrible character name of Milton, and Piper are hanging out at a hotel and while Piper is getting her toenails painted by some dude, Milton is in the other room participating in unspeakable horrors.
The scene cuts to his hotel room where he is having sex with a woman while fully dressed. Not only fully dressed, but while wearing sunglasses. With a cigar hanging out of his mouth. While holding a bottle of Jack Daniels. I thought my eyes were going to mutiny and crawl out of my sockets and I could only react with extremely loud, choking laughter. I’m pretty sure at this point the movie had become self aware of it’s own stupidity but imagine if it hadn’t and that someone legitimately thought this scene was a good way to present someone as a total badass. Now that I think about it though, I would rather see that than see him shirtless and all sweaty while he made love to a woman. Oh god I think I just became asexual.
So after a bit of this, the scene mercifully changes to show the cult leader and his cronies appear at the hotel ready to kill Nicolas Cage. I should also point out to you Twilight fans that the leader of the cult was Bellas dad but he had traded in his awesome dad mustache for a pretty lackluster pair of sideburns. Mr. Swann (yes the girl in Twilight is named Bella Swann, commence eye roll sequence) is pretty pissed that Nicolas Cage is trying to steal back his granddaughter so why not kill him. Makes sense to me. So his cult followers, who I might add are a sorry looking bunch of hillbillies and this is pretty much the worst cult ever, burst into Nicolas Cages room and he shoots them all while still, what we can only assume, keeping his penis inside the hooker(???) This distracted me immensely for obvious reasons. Oh and he kills one dude by shooting the blade of a machete he was holding causing it to be pushed backwards into his face. Apparently the dull end of machetes are still pretty dangerous. THIS MOVIE IS AWFUL.
Piper and Milton escape but not before Piper caps a cop. Bellas dad and that demon I guess just leave? I’m not sure what the hell happened to them, and quite frankly I don’t give a damn. Anyways, the two idiots are driving around looking for this prison that I guess the sacrifice is going to be held at when the films second most irritating scene took place. They’re driving down a straight stretch of road and it’s straight for quite a long time. All of a sudden the demon shows up behind them and rear ends them. They are shocked because HOW DID HE POSSIBLY SNEAK UP ON THEM AFTER FOLLOWING THEM FOR PROBABLY AN HOUR ON A COMPLETELY STRAIGHT ROAD OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH NICOLAS CAGE AND YOUR STUPID HAIR AND FACE ARGHHHH. Nicolas Cage luckily owns an old, antique gun that can kill anything, including demons so he shoots the guy in the face with it but it just grazes him yet somehow causes his vehicle to flip over and careen off the side of a bridge. I think I suffered a rage stroke right about this time because next thing I knew Nicolas Cage and Piper end up at a church where Bellas dad is all “yup I killed your daughter after making her give me some head” and Nicolas Cage somehow knows that his daughter bit this guys dick off. It was very awkward.
Anyways, Bellas dad shoots Nicolas Cage in the eye and while I was cackling evilly to myself a very drawn out scene of Piper and Bellas dad wrasslin’ in a campervan took place. Nicolas Cage survived obviously because he’s essentially undead and hopped in a car to chase them down. What followed was a chase scene that lasted at least 10 minutes and was interrupted only by my friend Darcy angrily telling me what cars couldn’t outrun other cars in real life and how it was stupid. I agreed. Nicolas Cage finally catches up to the goon squad and when asked how he survived the point blank gun shot to the face, Bellas dad is just like “We’re being tested!”
Ok, T.O. here. If I was Nicolas Cage, and I escaped from Hell to stop a cult bent on bringing Hell to earth by sacrificing my granddaughter, I think I would probably have brought up the fact that I had literally just escaped from that place and maybe they could use me since I have AN EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF HELL AND IT’S GOING ONS. I would assume a cult obsessed with Hell and its minions would want to at least sit down and talk to this dude over coffee for at least 20 minutes and maybe find a different way to unleash hell other than chopping up a baby.
Anyways Piper finds something amiss with the fact that part of his eye is blown up and she starts to put the pieces together and that when he said he was in jail, he was in fact in hell.
Anyways, Some dude that is friends with Nicolas Cage shows up after their car breaks down and helps them out. A very heartwarming scene of Nicolas Cage looking at fire in a barrel happens when he explains that hell isn’t that bad firewise, it’s mainly that the demons make you watch your family members go through their lives suffering now that you’re dead and he had to watch his daughter be murdered. I don’t know what the demons would make you watch if your loved ones went on to live rich, full lives after your death but they probably make you watch Nicolas Cage movies if that happens. He then tells the gang that he went to hell because he shot a dude when he was in a gang. Piper has almost no reaction to this despite the fact that she shot a cop to death less than 48 hours ago and is most likely going to go to hell for it. In a line that is sure to be repeated by myself or Darcy for several months at parties Nicolas Cage declines an offer of a beer because he doesn’t want it “unless it’s served out of Jonah Kings skull” Jonah King being the name of the cult leader…I probably should have mentioned that earlier.
Where was I? Oh yea, so mercifully this is coming to an end and Nicolas Cage and Piper show up at the prison where the sacrifice is going to go down at midnight (how cliché) The Demon shows up and tells Nicolas Cage that Lucifer gets really mad when people sacrifice babies in his honour so he’s going to let Nicolas Cage kill these douchebags but then he has to come back to hell with him. See, I knew Lucifer wasn’t such a bad dude!
Nicolas Cage drives his dumb car through the wall of the prison interrupting the sacrifice which, as far as I could see, did not involve any sort of spell, chant, séance, pentagrams, or other satanic bullshit but was just Bellas dad about to stab the kid in the gut. I don’t know much about raising Hell to Earth but I think you would at least need a Ouija board at the very least. Anyways, Nicolas Cage shoots people and makes things explode for like 15 minutes until he shoots Bellas dad with that demon killing gun he had. My dreams then came true and Nicolas Cage starts to die and gives Piper the baby and tells her to look after her and raise her, he then drinks an icy beer from the skull of that dude (seriously) and then drives into Hell in the car that JFK was assassinated in (seriously) leaving his baby granddaughter to be raised by a jobless, homeless 22 year old woman who is a wanted cop killer. I’m sure things are going to work out just fine for those two!
The film then mercifully fizzled out to a Meatloaf song which prompted me to make a mental note to download more Meatloaf as well as The Little Mermaid soundtrack. The litte Mermaid had nothing to do with the movie, I just really, really like the song Under the Sea.
So that summed up my Tuesday night. I’m clearly living my life to it’s fullest potential, especially since as soon as I got home I took my pants off and watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 clips on Youtube. I’m shocked that I’m not married yet.