This story for one does not focus on my rampant drinking but instead on Matt and Brians. After my first escapade on the first night we were in Mexico I was taking it somewhat easy on the drinking. I also find it really hard to get drunk there because I just end up getting sleepy from all the sun and going to bed at like 9. On this particular night we decided to go to a local brew pub because there was a cover band playing and the boys really like beer. I don’t like beer but I do love chicken wings and cover bands so I also thought this was an excellent idea. Jess decided to sit this one out because she was tired and I was pretty bummed out because I feel Jess always is a good motivator to drink. I had a few before we headed into town and on the way to the restaurant the boys decided to stop into a store for some free Tequila shots.
20 minutes later they emerged noticeably hammered after getting 4 shots for free. I looked at them and decided my night of drinking was over. I’m usually the person in a group of drunks who decides to rein it in if I can see that someone else is teetering on the edge of being really unsafely drunk, like they would very easily try to destroy a train crossing sign or go home with some random ugly dude. As soon as I can see this start to happen I decided to stop drinking and be the mom and/or Dad of the night. Since these idiots were so drunk and we were in Mexico I resigned myself to a night of not drinking and herding them around like small drunken children.
We got to the brewpub and they were both acting like total jackasses. Despite this they ordered a tower of power, which is like a keg for the table that holds 6 pints of beer. I ordered a sprite and two orders of chicken wings because if it’s one thing I love it’s running a train on some chicken wings. The band started playing and they were actually really, really good. I know this because I have ears and also because Matt kept saying “this band is really good” every few seconds into my ear.
After about a glass and a half Matt decided he was done and couldn’t drink anymore. Brian decided to pick up the slack. I am constantly in awe of Brian because he can literally party harder than anyone I know. I don’t know if it’s in his genes or because he’s in a band or what but this kid can stay up all night, get super drunk and feel fine the next day. He’s some sort of drunk long haired super booze soldier or something. Brian is in a band and because of this he started totally losing his mind over the band that was playing. Brians in a metal band which I’m sure he would get mad at me for saying because it’s actually some sort of sub genre like crust punk puke jazz metal, but anyways he has this super deep voice that he uses to yell in his band and also in various social situations. He also started reacting to this band playing a cover of Kings of Leons sex on fire in the same manner he would react to a metal show, which is to randomly kick in the air while slamming your hand down on the table and screaming over and over again. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want us to get thrown out so when I noticed the owner looking at us I alternated between pulling on Brians shirt trying to get him to sit back down and throwing my arms around the tower of power so it wouldn’t topple off the table. This went on for a few songs, with a short break after each where Brian would scream “PLAY PANAMA” several times in a row. In his defense, that song is flawless.
During the intermission our waiter came over and asked if everything was ok and Brian decided to ask him if he could go onstage and sing Panama with the band. My face was full of chicken wings so I just looked on in horror. the waiter laughed and said he would ask the band. He clearly didn’t ask the band.
Finally around 1230 I decided that this parade needed to end and ushered the boys out the door. They stopped instantly to tell some kids longboarding that they “were awesome” and I couldn’t stop laughing. I then noticed that Brian had a cup in his hand which was apparently the rest of the beer to go. I love Mexico. It didn’t last long though because he tried to shimmy up a hill for no real reason that I could see, promptly fell on his face and spilled it all over the place. The rest of the walk home went ok with only a few stops to pet a stray dog and get a hotdog from a vendor. Brian had just finished his and we walked about 2 blocks when we saw another vendor and he went to get a hotdog. I asked him what he was doing and he said getting a hotdog. apparently forgetting he finished one seconds earlier. He is truly king among men.
Matt had organized a surfing lesson for the next day and kept saying how he was going to be hungover and how Carlos (the guy who gave them the shots at the beginning of the night) ruined his life. This phrase caught on and the two of them enjoyed shouting it to no one in particular and in one case, a table of people eating at a classy outdoor patio restaurant. On the way back to the condo you have to walk a really long stretch of sidewalk with cactus, aloe vera and bushes on either side and a wall that blocks out the cemetery. Brian decided to start wrenching plants out of the ground and doing various, what I can only assume was Spiderman impressions by jumping onto the wall and springing off awkwardly. This went off without a hitch a few times until he slipped and fell on his back and rolled around on the cement for awhile saying “I hate Carlos” You also have to pass a Cactus store and garden you can pay to walk through it’s called Cacti Mundo. Brian, upon seeing the huge sign advertising it, decided to change his battle cry from “Carlos ruined my life” to “Cacti Mundo! Mucho fun tonight” which he said several times as he tried to jimmy open the gate into it.
I could not stop laughing at these two idiots but I was a little sad I didn’t get sauced to join in on the fun. We finally got back into the condo and I went to change into my sweatpants because I like to be super sexy when I sleep. As soon as I opened the bathroom door after changing I was greeted with the fridge door open and Brian laying on his back with water spilled all over him. Matt was standing over him laughing and eating a hunk of bread. I helped Brian up and sent him upstairs so he could wake up Jess and she could deal with his dumbass.
The next morning, and by morning I mean 11 o’clock, Jess, Brian and I went down to the pool to tan and presumably continue drinking. Matt showed up shortly after to tell us about his surfing adventure.
“I got up on the first try but after watching the waves for a bit I almost threw up in the ocean and stopped the lesson early”
I felt bad that he had to leave early but part of me wished that he barfed in the ocean if only to know what kind of reaction fish have to human puke. Unfortunately now we will never know. Until the next trip at least.