So as some of you may or may not know, I had surgery awhile back and the anesthesia really scrambled my fucking brains. After waking up and blurting out MY BOOBS HURT I then asked the nurse when Sam was coming to pick me up. My boyfriends name is Matt. I don’t even know anyone named Sam. As soon as I got in the car I couldn’t stop crying and I remember saying WHO’S SAM over and over again in between choking sobs while Matt just tried to ignore me and drive home as fast as possible.
Anyways, I thought it would be a good idea to review this movie while I was all messed up on pain pills but God didn’t and decided to make me so super ill throughout the week that it took me 2 days to watch 3 episodes of Flight of the Conchords because I kept falling asleep. So I watched half of it stone sober and nearly lost my mind and decided to sit on it until I was able to drink again, hence why this is late as all hell. Clearly that time is now and I am going to get all boozy for this trainwreck. Sorry Liver.
So the movie starts with the familiar theme and you’re all YES I HAVE BEEN WAITING MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR THIS MOVIE. And instantly it’s ruined with some guys voiceover saying what if the impact of a meteorite didn’t destroy the dinosaurs but sent them to a parallel dimension where they continued to evolve like humans? WHAT IF YOU GUYS? Fuck.
So some egg gets dropped off at a nunnery and out pops a little baby, instead of stomping it to death they decide to raise it. Yatta yatta yatta Mario and Luigi finally show up and crush all my hopes and dreams by being totally dickhead idiots. Also they’re poor. Now some girl, who is clearly the baby from the beginning is arguing with some Mob boss or something? anyways its about how they have a grant to dig for dinosaur bones and bla bla bla. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. When someone says to you “what would you like in a movie about the Mario Brothers?” would you say “an argument about the importance of archeology” or “Yoshi jumping on things” Clearly you would say the latter.
Anyways a bunch of shit happened that’s pretty pointless, Daisy(the girl from earlier) met up with the Brothers and Luigi fell in love with her or some shit, I don’t know I started making pancakes and didn’t pause the movie. Now they’re on a double date with Mario and his girlfriend. GOD DAMN IT GO STOMP ON SOME TURTLE SHELLS OR SOMETHING FFFUUUUU.
WHOA HOLD UP. Luigi just said he’s an orphan just like Daisy and Mario took him in. WHAT THE FUCK. This just destroyed my brain. Why would they put in this little detail? just to mess with us? So it should called Super Mario and his protegee/adopted little brother or possible son Luigi.
Anyways as I was ranting Daisy got kidnapped and Mario and Luigi jump into a rock to save her, the rock transports them to this underworld Dinosaur land by making them spin in the air and turn into pixels. I honestly think I’ll have to do this review in sections….it’s just really that bad. Also, it’s ruining my childhood.
Mario world, which is what I called it as a child, is I guess called Bowser Town or something? anyways it’s shitty as all hell. There are no golden blocks with question marks, no giant red fish that jump out of the water and eat you, no vines that come out of boxes. This place is a hellhole! I WANT TO GO BACK TO A WORLD WHERE I DIDN’T KNOW THIS MOVIE EXISTED. But it’s true what they say: you can’t go home again. I need to just bite the bullet and swallow my anger until it shows up months later in my brain and I suffer a rage stroke. Mario and Luigi spend the allotted time spent staring at everything in awe which every movie apparently needs to have before they remember that they need to find Daisy. To be honest, if I was Luigi I would have given up on her the second she got kidnapped and traveled through a magical rock. They barely knew each other! Let it be known that if I am with you and some potential rapists grab you and run away I will probably watch you go and then assume everything worked out for the best. I’m a horrible person.
They still have that shitty necklace and some old bitch tries to gank it from them but she gets chucked over a railing by some huge black woman who then takes the necklace and blasts away on rocket boots. That sentence made it seem a lot cooler than it actually was, believe me. Then the first of many irritating as shit scenes happened when a street performer gets arrested for singing a song about how shitty King Koopa is. Some cops show up and they’re all “You’re under arrest TOAD’ Yes. This is supposed to be Toad. The Toad you know and love is not an adorable mushroom with questionable jumping abilities and a fabulous blue vest. He is apparently a random poor dude on the sidewalk. I weep for my soul. Mario and Luigi also get arrested for the crime of being plumbers/ to move the plot forward. While they’re in the holding cells Toad tells them that they are from an alternate universe and that Bowser gained power by “de-evolving” the king and turning him into slime. He also told them the Princess is in another castle.
Koopa then shows up and instead of being a sweet dinosaur it’s Dennis Hopper in a suit with spiked hair. I really want to know what the director had on him to make him do this. If I ever meet him I want to tell him I loved him in Super Mario Bros. and see his reaction. Hopefully he punches me in the face because that would lead to a big paycheque. NOTE: It has been brought to my attention by one of you guys that Dennis Hopper is in fact dead and has been for quite some time. I don’t know how I missed that but boy is my face red. My comment still stands. I should just quit my job and go around meeting celebrities and bring up their most awkward role and hope for a facepop. I would only have to do it like once or twice and I’d be on easy street!
Anyways, while I was coming up with that amazing 5 year plan, I did not pause the movie and apparently Koopa de-evolved Toad into a Koopa which, surprise surprise, looks nothing at all what you thought it would look like. I honestly do not know why this movie wasn’t sealed in a vault and stored in that warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Mario and Luigi have now bumbled their way out of trouble and escaped from Koopa by stealing a cop car which they promptly crash into a car causing their car to get stuck on top. What follows is a scene of their car ontop of another car which continues to drive around. You guys are lucky I don’t own a handgun.
That mercifully ends quickly and then they drive off a bridge but a bunch of fungus saves them by forming a net to cushion their fall so they don’t smash their brains all over the pavement. Now I hate fungus even more.
Meanwhile the writers remembered Daisy was still in this thing so as she’s hanging out in her prison cell when a woman with a pretty smoking body but a horrible old face comes in and moves her to another cell. I can tell by her severe haircut and smarmy smile that she is evil. Koopa really wants that necklace which the brothers may or may not have anymore, I just…I just don’t care. Bootface tells Daisy that she can merge the two dimensions with that necklace so I’m hoping this fucking thing is almost over. Koopa shows up to taunt her and show off Yoshi who is not wearing sweet boots and a saddle, but is just a baby velociraptor. I QUIT THIS BITCH. I cannot even deal with the utter stupidity of this thing. I will now be cleaning the living room while watching so I don’t feel like I completely wasted one of my days off watching a poorly conceived movie from the 90’s.
Around this time THE THIRD FUCKING PERSON has brought up that THAT STUPID ROCK CAN MERGE THE WORLDS. WE GET IT.
Mario and Luigi are now in some room with a giant gob of slime, which is apparently Daisys father. They shoot the shit for a while and then split up so Mario can go rescue his girlfriend who also apparently has been kidnapped. And Luigi goes to save Daisy. He succeeds but then almost instantly gets captured by Bowser and we were treated to this gem:
Meanwhile Mario finds his lady along with apparently a bunch of missing girls but I think they originally intended them to be hookers judged on what they were wearing. But then again it was the 90’s so maybe normal women wore skin tight pleather dresses with teal fringe pleather jackets. Anyways, they escape through a pipe and after a seemingly endless scene of them cruising down the pipe on a mattress chased by Goombas I was like holy shit is this almost over?? And then the scene ended with
And then something weird happened. They land in the downtown core and instantly meet up with Luigi and Daisy. Now the last time we saw them they were getting captured by Bowser. I re watched those 8 minutes or so that had passed since, and at no point is it ever explained how or when they escaped from Bowser. I don’t know if my version skipped or what, but I have no idea what the hell happened. Most likely the writers and editors didn’t notice and were too drunk at that point to care.
So a bunch of irritating shit happens and Bowser and Mario start fighting while that crazy lady with the hot body but old face goes crazy, steals that necklace and jams it in that rock that merges the world. In doing so she exploded and Luigi made some shitty joke about it. (what a psycho!) Anyways, Mario and Bowser are fighting and merge into pixels and fly away? I don’t fucking care anymore, this movie is like an elementary school concert that your kid is in for the first 3 minutes but you can’t leave so you have to sit through everyone elses performance. It’s that painful and boring.
They show up in Brooklyn and Bowser is like FUCK YA! and turns a man into a monkey with his gun. The crowd who witnessed this did not scream or run away from the monkey gun, they instead point and laugh. Goddamnit.
Luigi uses a variety of tools BECAUSE GET IT? HE’S A PLUMBER!! and gets the necklace out thus causing Mario and Bowser to return to Koopa World or whatever the fuck they call it and the brothers shoot Bowser who then turns into goop after briefly turning into an unsatisfactory CGI Dinosaur. I hate my life.
Everyones pretty stoked because apparently no one else had the balls to defeat him even though they readily had bombs available for purchase on goddamn main street. The koopa troops celebrate by dancing awkwardly and Daisys dad gets turned back to normal. This is pleasing to me because it means the movie is almost over. Finally they are able to return to Brooklyn and in a move that enraged me even at a young age Daisy is all “YA I’M GOING TO STAY THANKS FOR SAVING ME THOUGH LUIGI LOLZ” I remember being little and watching this and just completely losing my shit, totally unable to comprehend why you would want to stay in that shitty world with your dad when a totally acceptable man wants to kiss you!!! If I was 8 and John Leguizamo burst in my door asking me to come live with him I would in a second. I really had a thing for older men when I was younger, I think I’ve said this before but I seriously would have been in some trouble if an attractive pedophile got his hands on me.
And of course then theres the THREE WEEKS LATER segway which shows the brothers hanging out back at their apartment in Brooklyn, Luigi is wearing a pretty excellent Yin Yang shirt that’s tucked into his pants. Then all of a sudden Daisy runs in to their apartment wearing fatigues and she’s like I need your help! and it ends with them running out the door to help, therefore opening the door to a sequel that thankfully was never made.
So here we are at the end of this journey. And what a journey it was. We laughed, we cried. Mainly the crying thing. It took me 5 separate sittings and 4 months to write. I’m also very confused as to why this movie was so completely off base from what anyone would assume a Mario Brothers movie would be. I can sort of see where they were going with it, but to be honest if they were going to make a Mario Brothers movie I would think the logical thing to do would be to animate it since you could get away with more that way, plus they already had a Mario Brothers tv show that was pretty popular so why not stick to that format? Live action just doesn’t work, I mean think about how horrible a live action Sonic the Hedgehog movie would be