I wrote one of these already but you dickheads very quickly pointed out that I missed several different movies. I’m only human! but thanks to the constant human need to nitpick things that you didn’t even pay to enjoy in the first place, I’m writing another one to maintain my street cred. So here is another list of shitty movie adaptations of videogames. I’m excluding the first Pokemon movie despite the fact that when I watched the end of it on YTV it totally made me cry when all the Pokemon started crying and their tears brought Ash back to life. OH GOD IT WAS HEARTBREAKING.
1. DOA: Dead or Alive
I could obviously write an entire article about Uwe Boll and his many cinematic achievements but I’m sure if you’re the kind of person who reads an Internet blog you’re already well aware of Uwe Bolls legacy, and if you don’t know who he is and have never seen one of his movies I envy you.
I have thankfully only seen this movie once and I barely remember it, it’s like my brain is trying to protect me from some trauma. Literally all I remember from it is that two girls fight each other in a weird wicker tower and then it starts to explode? I have no idea. Oh and there was at least a combined 30 minutes of beach volleyball. Anyways, somehow (I’m guessing a series of handjobs were involved) this movie went to theaters and despite avoiding it there, I for some reason rented it when it came out on DVD. It’s like I blacked out and when I got ahold of myself I was walking out of Blockbuster with it in my hands. I would actually love to see the list of movies I’ve rented over the years at Blockbuster because I know there’s some real jems in there. Like the time I asked if they had some indie movie with Robert Pattinson in it and when they didn’t I rented a movie about Nazi Zombies instead. It was a pretty good move on my part because I eventually tried to watch that Robert Pattinson movie with my friend Jenna when we were high but it was so awkward we couldn’t deal with it and turned it off. We watched Precious instead. Watching Precious while high is hilarious, I highly recommend it.
I am really going on a rant here. The point is this movie is horrible and obviously the people who green-lit it thought they could skate by solely on hot girls in bikinis fighting each other. This is why videogame and comic movies often go awry. The fans are so rabid that when a film comes out they can’t help but nitpick it. Like when I went to go see the Wolverine movie and almost started hyperventilating when they said that him and Sabretooth were brothers. I ranted and raved about it the entire ride home and almost gave myself a rage stroke.
2. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
One of you jerks brought to my attention that on the last list I missed out on Street Fighter but to be honest, I love that movie. It came out when I was like 11 and I remember my friend Jess and I watched it and loved it, so I will not be making fun of that movie because in my eyes that movie is flawless. Just like how people who have those little shitshu peekapoo things convince themselves their dog is cute and that people like it, I have convinced myself that the Street Fighter movie is a masterpiece. This movie however was not.
The first Mortal Kombat movie was just, if not more mindblowing and I know that if it was on TV each and everyone of you would watch it. Let’s talk about how great the soundtrack was for just a second. I used to own the soundtrack and listen to that one song that yells MORTAL KOMBAT in the middle and dance around my room while randomly throwing out little high kicks. I have no idea what other 12 year old girls were doing with their spare time but I was using mine to dancefight and to imagine what Sub Zeros face looked like under his mask (I bet it was dreamy) So when the second movie was announced a few years later I was like YESSSSSS and probably did a few celebratory highkicks. But later I would be highkicking out of grief because that movie broke my heart. It highkicked me through the chest if you will. I feel this scene sums it all up for me:
OH SNAP!! SOMEONE SEND HER TO THE BURN UNIT BECAUSE SHE JUST GOT SERVED.
The most enraging part of the whole movie occurred like 3 minutes in when Johnny Cage was suddenly killed. I was mortified. Now, to be honest, Johnny Cage was never one of my favorite Mortal Kombat characters but that didn’t mean I wanted him to get 2 minutes of screen time before being savagely killed. Just thinking about it pisses me off so much. Like, what were they thinking? I’m guessing that happened because the actor made a pass at the directors daughter or had a scheduling conflict or something but I mean come on, they could have just recast the part, I mean Dumbledore changed after the first two movies and people seemed to deal with it somehow.
Anyways, I have only seen the second Mortal Kombat twice and the first time I couldn’t get over Johnnys death and stumbled blindly out of the theater wearing the same expression as someone stumbling out of a middle eastern deli that was just bombed, so I don’t really remember much. I remember it would have been better if Johnny was there. R.I.P. Johnny Cage. FATALITY.
3. Tomb Raider
I’m going to say this right now: I cannot stand Angelina Jolie. I think she’s a trollop and that she isn’t even that pretty, I’m not saying that because I’m fat and ugly and I’m jealous, it’s because she honestly just drives me crazy with her weird veiny arms and her stable of children. I don’t know what she’s doing to Brad Pitt but that dude has aged like 30 years in an 8 year span. So obviously because of my hatred of Angelina Jolie, I am going to be a little biased. But even if I didn’t hate Angelina Jolie these movies would still be balls. I am irrationally annoyed by the weird long bits of hair that hang out from her pony tail infront of her face and I have no idea why. But both those things aside, this movie franchise is still retarded. I remember when they first came out and everyone lost their mind.
The Tomb Raider games were fun for two reasons:
1.) you got to shoot various jungle animals and sometimes sharks
2.) you could dick around the mansion and try to shoot the butler but it never worked
They did not incorporate either of these things into these movies. Well they might have in the second one but I never saw it, so please someone let me know.
The first one bothered me because it was just there. It’s like the Mentos of movies: It’s just there, you know it’s there, you would never crave it or go out of your way to get it, but if someone gave it to you for free you would be like “oh ok, cool thanks” It’s destined to just rot away being constantly replayed on Saturday afternoons on various cable stations. Think about it! I’m totally right. I think it’s actually worse to be on this list for being so boring than for being on this list for being out-and-out bad. At least people can enjoy the movie ironically if it’s that bad, but no one is laughing at Tomb Raider, that movie just makes you go “hmmm” or “meh” or “maybe there’s a good Simpsons rerun on instead”
4.Street Fighter: The legend of Chun Li
I know I said earlier that I loved Street Fighter and everything it stood for: fighting a sumo wrestler in a Japanese bathhouse, throwing a comb at someone’s head, kicking a car on a dock for bonus points. Unfortunately this movie isn’t an hour and 45 minutes of Blanka biting someone on the head, it’s a monstrosity. I knew about this for a while and just recently mustered up the courage to watch it because A. It was on Netflix and B. I had already watched the entirety of The IT Crowd for the second time. So I thought what the hey, let’s do this thang. I immediately regretted that decision.
First of all no good can come from a movie with a colon in the title. They are almost always horrible. Case(s) in point:
G.I Joe: The rise of Cobra
Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever
Pirates of the Caribbean: (Insert any of the titles)
Really the only few exceptions are The holy trilogy of Star Wars movies and of course, Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo
Anways, the girl in it is maybe 5% Chinese. This enrages me. There is certainly no shortage of Chinese actresses so why not get one to play a Chinese character who grew up in China? ARGHHH. It basically tells the story of Chun Li and how she moved from San Fransisco to Hong Kong to become a concert pianist. Yes, you heard that correctly.And somehow becomes embroiled in the world of martial arts because if there’s two things that go together it’s professional piano playing and punching someone in the solar plexus. So I’m not going to lie to you guys, I did not watch this whole thing. Well I guess technically I did because I fast-forwarded through a lot of it but I could still see what was going on frame by frame in the little box Netflix has for fastforwarding. Those frames were bleak. Here’s a sentence that will sum up this entire mess for you:
You know that weird white guy with the long hair that’s in the Black Eyed Peas? He plays Vega.
CASE CLOSED. THIS MOVIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN OUT BACK AND SHOT.
5. Max Payne
There are three people who can do no wrong in my eyes: The Rock, Mark Wahlberg, and myself. I thought this would be a good movie, because if 2 out of the 3 people I just listed were involved how could I go wrong? After watching it, I had to do a lot of soul searching my friends. I should give you some backstory here, I used to work in a CD/DVD store and as an employee you could “rent” things and then bring them back later. I guess so you could have an opinion when people asked you what was good, and you could point them to The Arcade Fire or Chinese Democracy by Guns N Roses, depending on whether or not their eyes were blinking in unison.
Anyways, this store went bankrupt and we were all unceremoniously dumped. After the dumping I realized I had a lot of DVDs and CD’s still in my possession. Some were good (season 3 of American Dad) some were bad but I secretly loved them (the Twilight Soundtrack) and one was this goddamn movie. Thus, I own Max Payne. In my defense it has been kicked out of my DVD rack to make room for bigger and better things and is currently sitting in a box under my bed next to a DVD of The Italian Job. If anyone wants these, please let me know.
This movie wouldn’t have been super bad if they had called it something else and left out the Max Payne bit entirely. It was a classic Mark Wahlberg film filled with shots of him shooting things and people while furrowing his brow, and other scenes of him wearing a leather coat and crouching down in an alley looking at something. Pretty great, I know. But it was so far removed from the videogame franchise that it’s on this list not for technically being awful, but for trying to trick the audience. This happens a lot in movies and it enrages me. It’s like “oh hmmm videogame adaptations are doing well, and we have this movie sitting here with Mark Wahlberg yelling at people in a darkened street…..Max Payne??”
The only similarities between the game series and the movie is that the characters name is Max Payne and his wife and child were murdered. But really, what gritty character that becomes a reluctant hero hasn’t had their family murdered? SO PLAYED OUT.
So there we have it, volume 2 of horrible videogame adaptions. The sad thing is that I could probably pump out a few more of these bitches, especially now that I have Netflix which seems to be filled to the brim with amazingly bad movies. I still can’t decide if that was a good purchase or not because I had a really difficult time choosing between watching a movie called Titanic 2, Moby Dick:2010 and Megashark vs Crocosaurus last night. What is my life?
Ps. we totally chose Megashark vs Crocosaurus. It was amazing.