Some of you might remember an old article of mine about my insane relative that came to stay with my family and I as well as my article about a conversation I had with an insane man on a skytrain well believe it or not but not all my encounters with strangers are horrifying/hilarious. Sometime they’re just hilarious. This is one of those times.
You all know the story of Romeo and Juliet, they were star crossed lovers and the only thing keeping them apart was their families hatred for each other. I can sympathize because I have a similar situation with my heterosexual life mate Jenna. The only thing keeping us apart is the fact she lives 3 hours away, and I hope our lives don’t end with one of us shanking ourselves while the other one drinks poison but we’ll see how it goes. Anyways, because of the fact we don’t get to see each other very often when we do see each other we go totally bonkers. My other heterosexual lifemate Jess lives in the same city as me so we see each other quite a bit and just get semi bonkers (see: drinking in kiddy pool) but because of the distance between us and the fact I only see Jenna usually once a month it’s quite a scene when we get together.I love her very much, and to hammer the point home of how great she is, here is a photo of her kicking snow on me:
Chances are if you live in Vancouver and you have seen two girls doing the running man on a dancefloor you have probably encountered Jenna and I. But this story doesn’t take place in a nightclub, it takes place in the most magical setting of all: a city bus
I honestly cannot remember where were coming from but it was 4 in the morning and pretty much the only thing in my purse was a bottle of Fireball and my wallet, which I assume had no money in it. So anyways we were riding the bus for a little while deciding whether or not we should try to covertly drink and risk being kicked off. It was a tough choice because we really like drinking but we really didn’t want to walk 7 blocks in the middle of the night. The choice was made for us though when a group of guys came on the bus and instantly started cracking beers. I can’t be certain but I’m pretty sure I did a comical 1980’s style eyebrow wiggle at Jenna and busted out the bottle. I’m sure in real life it was more of a drunken wink and the bottle got caught in my purse straps. Regardless of how it went down we were now swigging from the bottle. The guys looked shocked and one asked why were were drinking that and doesn’t it taste gross? Being a true Canadian I offered them all a sip and just as the last two were drinking some really really drunk guy slid up next to me and asked if he could have some too.
You know how Charlie Sheen exists? Put his cracked facial expression on a skinny 20 year old man. Now put him in the bus seat next to me. It was a real horror show. Obviously this guy didn’t understand the difference between having a friendly comradery with a group of 6 black dudes and being a totally creepy drunk guy alone on a city bus. He asked if I could have a sip and I told him flat out no he could not have a sip. I figured that if the guy decided to hit me or anything my backup of several dudes would put a stop to that. I figured this because earlier an Asian girl who looked like she was about to puke into her cupped hands got off at a stop very quickly and in doing so stepped on one of the guys sneakers. He looked like he was about to hit her in the back of the head for that so I figured if this guy smacked me in the mouth he would step in, sneakers or no sneakers.
I’m not entirely sure the guy even heard me though because he just stared at me for so long that I noticed his eyeballs were blinking completely out of sync. I think I just sort of turned around and faced Jenna because I couldn’t stand him breathing at me any longer.
Our conversation was cut short when the bus pulled over to make a stop and one of our new friends decided to open the door that’s in the middle of the bus and pee. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I wasn’t even mad, I was jealous that he was able to do that when just a few weekends before I had struggled to find a place to pee in the middle of the night and ended up going behind an office building where a janitor may or may not have seen me (Making you proud mom!) So Jenna and I start elbowing each other and giggling when the bus driver walks back and just tells him to hurry up because he has stops to make. SO GOOD. At that point I felt like I could do anything on this bus short of punching out the windows and the bus driver would just tell me to pipe down a little bit.
So it continues on like this for a few more stops, us drinking and having fun when some totally assclowns came on totally stinking like weed. I could clearly see where this was going because the sort of people that smoke so much weed that it permeates their pores are also the same kind of people that would go up to a group of black men and give them the old wink and nod because HEY THEY’RE BLACK SO THEY MUST SMOKE TONS OF WEED. I was really drunk so I was hoping for a race war in the middle of the bus floor and judging by the bus drivers attitude we would still make it home on time. So they did their whole routine of saying how high they were and I don’t know if it was because women were present or that these black guys weren’t walking stereotypes but they didn’t seem to care. I don’t know about you guys but whenever I smoke weed, I cannot handle being in a public place whatsoever. I went to Mcdonalds once when I was stoned and almost broke out in a cold sweat because the guy working there was emptying out the garbage can behind me for SO LONG. And then this girl came in wearing, I shit you not, a mens jacket, a tutu-esque skirt and rainbow tights. She was also sobbing. It was the worst thing ever. It haunts me to this day, so many questions went unanswered. It was a really spiritual moment.
Anyways, back to my story. I was very suspicious of how high these guys actually were and they were just in general pissing everyone off. So Jenna was drinking from our bottle of fireball when the guy asks her for some. For those of you that don’t know Jenna she is the sweetest person but she is also a raging bitch. She shot him her usual side eye of “Gurrrrrrlll, are you for real?” and then I chimed in with some lame excuse about how we didn’t know if his mouth was clean. He asked us how we knew anyone elses mouth that we were sharing with was clean. This elected a “WTF!” from one of our new black friends and the guy decided to retract his statement. He then came back with this gem of “well what if I’m a dentist? my mouth would be really clean!” now there is no way in hell if this guy actually was a dentist that he would ever be riding the bus drunk at 4 in the morning.
I was busy furrowing my brows at him when the greatest insult ever came to mind. “WELL I’M AN ANTI-DENTITE!!” I was so proud of myself for busting out this gem of a Seinfeld quote I couldn’t stop laughing at myself. Clearly this was totally lost on him but one of our new friends yelled “ooooh SEINFELD!” and started clapping. We parted ways with our new friends shortly after and as we stumbled into Jennas house and as her cat gave me a good night hiss I thought to myself about how much fun we had and more importantly, the great life lesson I learned: Apparently black guys like Seinfeld. Who knew.