This is exactly what it sounds like. I guess I should explain a bit further. The year was 2002, choker neclaces were still slightly in style, Napster was in its prime and a young Rigby was attending highschool. On this fateful day I was skipping school because I’m a horrible child. My friend and I were speedwalking to a sidedoor of our school when I saw it. A busted locker wide open with belongings tossed all over the floor. I was about to walk past when I spotted a little diary laying there. It had an angel on the cover and a little lock on the side. I obviously took it.
Now I don’t want you guys to think I’m a horrible person because if you were in my position you also would take it. If I didn’t someone else would have and that person would have laughed about it and then forgotten all about it. I, however, knew it was pure gold and have kept it ever since. I have no idea why I haven’t shared this with you guys before now because I have busted it out and read it out loud at several parties and it was hilarious, so why not share it with you?
I was originally going to scan the pages and put them up but that seems extremely tedious so I’m just going to transcribe them here for you, spelling errors and all. And to prove that I’m not pulling this out of my ass, here are some photos of me and said diary:
Also, I swear to you this is not my diary. In fact, this girl does more slutty acts in her year of grade 8 than I will probably do in my entire life. I don’t know what that says about me but moving on. I also knew how to spell better than this when I was in grade 8. So without further ado here is part one of this mess of a diary
Wednesday, July 25
Hey, tonight Rach, Jenn and me are all going to get drunk. I’m a little scard because I don’t know what I might do, you know like I might walk down the street (my street) and my mom or ken would here or see me. Well I’ll prob right again tonight, cya!
First of all if you are so worried about getting caught drinking to the point where you have somehow convinced yourself that your mother and stepdad have some sort of drinking sensor that allows them to determine their daughter is drunk from her simply walking on the street infront of their house, then why the hell would you confess to getting drunk in your diary. A diary is very easy to find and read, as you all can clearly see.
Tuesday, July 3rd
Well you know that day back there that we “were” going to get drunk, it didnt happen. All we did was Rach got kinda high with Lindsay, Jen and 2 guys. Earlier today I was so mad at my mom because she said I couldnt go to the movis cuz I had to pick weeds. G2G cya!
One of my favorite parts of this diary is that she often talks to it like it ‘s a person, at one point she apologizes for not writing it in for awhile. By the way, picking weeds takes at maximum 40 minutes, 20 if you do a really shitty job.
Monday, August 27
Hey, sorry I haven’t writing for a long time. I haven’t had the time. 3 days ago we got a girl puppey from the pound. We named her Bella. I found out that Lisa doesnt like me ne more!! o well. Well I had better go, cya!
See! she feels like such an asshole for neglecting her diary, but really she should be more focused on her obvious neglect of her friendship with Lisa. Highschool girls are baffling because they can decide they like you or hate you at random and then tell you this while you’re waiting in line for seasoned fries at the cafeteria.
Friday, August 31
I have some really bad news. You know my cousin, he died in an accident. I cant believe hes dead. Night!
Ok now I remember feeling like a mega bitch when I first read this entry because this girl is legitimately pouring her feelings, however dumb or boring those feelings usually are, and then this happens and it’s an actual traumatizing event in her life. The horror of this event is lessened slightly by the fact she drew at least 6 sad faces on the paper and ended the entry with Night!
Anyways, lets move on so you guys don’t start thinking I’m some sort of horrible monster
Sunday, September 10
Hey I have REALLY good news today, well it actualy happened on friday but hey..I’m going out with this guy named Chris I might in Highschool!!!! my second week of highschool and I have a bf. (I should mention at this point she drew a weird demented looking smiley face with googly eyes) He was going to come out today but buses dont run on sundays. night!
Things are really looking up for her! I have a feeling her and Chris are going to make it and it gives me hope that one day I will find a love as true as theirs! Although Matt recently walked through our screen door thus blowing it off the track and we also had a 10 minute long conversation about how people should wear rebel alliance jackets in real life more often so maybe I have met my match.
Wednesday, September 19
I broke up with Chris today. It happened today in first class, french. Were still friends but hey shit happens!! Taya and Kyle asked him if he still wanted to go to the movies and he said sure so thats good!! well G2G see ya!
Noooooooooooo! Not Chris!! This girl is a stone cold killer, first she breaks up with him in the most romantic class of all, French, and then throws out a “oh well, shit happens!” this girl is straight up like 13 years old and she is already hard as fuck.
Sunday, September 23
Happy news!! Chris said he was really sorry for dumping me and he just dumped me cuz he didnt want to catch the bus to my house alone. And he asked me out again on Thursday! we went to the movies on friday and we were holding hands and stuff but didnt kiss. we didnt even peck on the lips let alon doing the “toung twister” well we are going out again. G2G to sleep now!!
Whoa bitch, first you say you dumped Chris and now you’re saying he was in fact the one doing the dumping? which one is it? better keep your stories straight!
This entry was when I knew I hit comedy gold. Tell me you did not lose your mind entirely at the mention of the famous “toung twister”
So that’s it for this installment, but trust me it gets wayyyyyy better. Stay tuned! G2G, see ya!