Excerpts from a strangers diary circa 2002: part 2

Hey lovers, sorry I haven’t updated in a while, I have been busy with work, dying of allergies and getting hit on in the cat medicine aisle of wal mart while shopping for worm medicine. I live a glamourous life! I know you are all dying to know what is going on in this fantastic diary, so let’s stop farting around and get right to the good shit.

Where we last left off, our narrator was at the movies with her on again-off again boyfriend Chris, they’re like the Ross and Rachel of our times. So what are these crazy kids up to now?

Sunday, October 6

Really good news(happy face), Chris came out to my friend Christys last night. We didn’t even kiss (sad face) but he was squezing and rubbing my butt and he was feeling me up!! And I got tingly all over!!!!! and when they were walking me home Chris said he wished he was home in his bed with me!!!!! and I just smiled and nodded but what I was thinking was OH YEAH ME TOO!!!! So that was my night, Cya!!!

This is one of my favorite entries because of the erotic context and the insane amount of exclamation marks peppered throughout. Chris really knows what the ladies love! I know nothing gets me in the mood like a vigorous butt rubbing session. I’m all OH YEAH!!!!! when Matt starts rubbing my butt. Seriously though, this dude is smooth. I was hideous in Grade 8 so I have nothing to compare this too because boys didn’t talk to me, but do Grade 8 boys talk like this? My God.

Tuesday, October 9

Something bad happened today, It all started in science when we got a new seating plan and I got seated next to a guy named Adam. All my friends said I was flirting with him and everytime Chris looked over I was laughing and touching Adam. He was REALLY mad at me and everyone at lunch said he was going to dump me!!!! So I wrote him a note saying I was sorry and shit. Then after school I cried cuz I thought that but then now it’s all good!!

First of all, If Matt got mad at me for every time I talked to a guy we would be broken up by now because I do enjoy conversing with the opposite sex, but this girl really crossed the line by LAUGHING at something a guy who isn’t her boyfriend said and how dare she TOUCH him!! what a little whore. She should have told Chris to fuck right off because clearly he is a possessive douchebag. but then again, who knows how many guys have touched her butt?

Also, I cannot stop laughing at the last sentence of this entry: “I cried cuz I thought that but then now it’s all good” What the fuck does that even mean? Oh mercy!

The following entry is undated but it’s fucking hilarious in it’s simplicity.

FUCKING BASTERD KEN I HATE HIS GUTS!!!!!!!

Everything about this is comedy gold, the exclamation marks, the capital letters, the misspelling of the word basterd. It’s just top notch. She never reveals why she hates Ken, or if infact he is a basterd.

Saturday, October 20

I’m so boarded out og my mind!! Im grounded for another 11 days and it really sucks. On October 11 Chris dumped me but thats ok shit happens!! so yeah! I’m grounded until the day of Haloween, it really sux and it’s realllllllllly boaring!

Nothing enrages me more than the misspelling of the word Bored. Why the shit can’t people spell this? looking back on what you wrote, how does boarded make sense? OH GOD I HATE YOUTHS. So I guess Chris is out of the picture, that’s really too bad, I thought they would really make it in this crazy world. Also, I’m guessing Ken found her diary and grounded her for exposing him as a basterd.

Tuesday, October 24

Happy and Good news!! I am now going out with this dude named AJ! Hes so nice!! I dont go by looks but if I would rate him out of 10 he would get a 7! but hey, he’s really sweet! he always grabs my bum and says you have a really nice ass hehe. Night!

Wow. Who does this bitch think she is? If you’re dating the guy shouldn’t he be a 10 in your eyes? This reminds me of the time I was floating down the river with Matt and our friends Lance and Brianne, Bri and I were floating ahead a bit and some jerk offs on a boat drove past us and held up signs that said 8 on them. We were super pissed and when we told the boys they were like YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY AN 8 IS GOOD!! But after a solid whine session Matt relented and said “Rigs, to me you are a 10” that is all I wanted to hear. Clearly I am not a 10. I can’t dance well, I have a flat ass, and I don’t know my multiplication tables. In the eyes of a backup dancer, an ass man and a mathematician I am probably a 2. But to Matt I am a 10 and to me he is a 9.5

This bitch better recognize that she has a good man in her life! a man who just wants to rub her butt and in the end isn’t that just what we all want??

Tuesday, October 24

On friday I kissed AJ. It was really funny because everyone wouldn’t leave us allone, they just kept folowing us and AJ yelled F*CK OFF! and then kissed me! it was his first kiss and when he said F*ck off it took me by surprise because he never swares!

Keep in mind, I did not add those stars in, she censored her own entry for some bizarre reason. This AJ seems like a real charmer! he tells her he has a nice ass, tells her friends to Fuck off, and is named AJ. That is a hat trick of sexiness!!

Monday, October 30

I dumped AJ. I couldnt stand him hes soooooo annoying!! g2g see ya!!

hahahah wow! I’ve had hangovers that lasted longer than that relationship. This chick is a man eater! Poor AJ.

Well on that note, I think it’s time to end this edition. It’s been a real rollercoaster, we’ve had some laughs, we’ve had some tears, It was a great time. I hope you all reflect on what you have learned here and hopefully you can apply its lessons to your day to day life. And by that I mean rub your significant others butt more often. Or a strangers, whatever.

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