Hello friends! sorry I have been absent as of late, it was combo of my laptop being broken and a desire to both get tanned and drink in the middle of the day which ate up most of my July and August. But I’m back! and I have what I know you’ve all been waiting for: the dramatic conclusion to a slutty highschoolers diary. For those of you just tuning in, I am transcribing a highschool girls diary that I have in my possession by somewhat legal means. Parts one and two are here and here. So let’s get it on!
Tuesday, November 13
Today at longbreak…or was it in the morning? O Well. Jamie asked me out and I said yeah and no we are going out!!!!!!! he wasnt sure if he really wanted to go out with me but now he does (there was 4 smiley faces at this point in the entry) I’m so happy!!!
Oh good! I always thought she would have another shot at love! The best part about this besides the fact that times of the day elude this girl is that she got asked out by someone who was apparently very reluctant to ask her out. What’s the deal with that? is he gay and she’s just his beard? is he acting on someones orders or else they will murder his parents? I am intrigued.
Monday, November 19
Hey!!! yesturday I got piss drunk!!! It was so fun!! but the only bad thing about it was that I told jamie that I gave a guy head (sad face drawing) I also told him I love him and he said it back! and I told him I wanted to make out with him and he’s like me too! night!
WHOA NOW. That really escalated! tsk tsk, random highschool girl! they grow up so fast don’t they? my question is why was this previous fellatious incident recorded in her diary? I would love to see the amount of smiley face drawings and exclamation marks attached to that. I bet there would even be a drawing of a face with a little squiggly mouth that says “yuck!” under it. Oh lord I hope I never have a daughter.
Her boyfriend really had no option other then saying he loved her too. I’m not a highschool guy but if I was and my 15 year old girlfriend told me she sucked a dude off, like I’m not going to say I love her too.
I’m also losing my mind laughing at “I wanted to make out and he’s like me too!” when Matt gets home I’m going to say I want to make out with him. I can almost be absolutely 100% sure he will not say “me too!”
Ok this next entry is possibly my favorite. I bring it up in conversations all the time, it’s so outrageous
Friday, November 23
I’m going to kill the fuckin basterd Ken!!!!Im going to cut him up so he’s bleeding and feed him to the rats like in the bone collecter. HE CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO HES NOT MY DAD!!!!!
Everything about this is solid gold. From the random reference to a thriller movie from 2002, to the completely cliche “he’s not my dad!!!” I recently saw a VHS copy of The Bone Collector at a thrift store and damn near lost my mind entirely. I should find this girls address and mail her a copy of this movie every year with a note attached that says “study the rat scene for Kens demise!!”
Thursday, Jan 10
Hey sorry I havent writen for lots of months! tomorow we are having a walkout at school. I’m walking out with chris! well I better go.
I vaguely remember the walk out she’s talking about here, but I have no idea what it was protesting or anything. I can’t even remember if I walked out or not. I should probably stop smoking crack, I can’t remember shit.
Well we are unfortunately at the end of this fantastic diary, but the last entry is simply spectacular. So here it is, the conclusion of this crazy train:
Friday, January 13
(8 smiley faces) Oh i’m so happy! Today was the walk out, I walked out with chris and his friends and went to his friend Tims house and thats where the fun started!!!!!! we got so high in his dads car and then we watched a movie, wild wild west, it was so boaring so me and chris started making out!!!! we made out super entencly, then he went up my shirt and down my pants but when he wanted to bang me i said no and he never went down there again. then we went out and got high again, then made out more and then got high again! it was sooooo much fun!!! night!!
This completely blows my mind for several reasons: Why is this girl smoking weed and getting fingerblasted by dudes at the age of 15 when I didn’t even kiss a guy until I was 16? damn.
Also I don’t blame her for leaving during a showing of Wild Wild West, that movie was brutal. Oh and just a tip, maybe dont smoke weed in your dads car because he will probably smell that shit later on you dummies!
So here we are at the end of our long, strange journey. It’s been fun, sad, informative and at times extremely erotic. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did, now lets all sterilize ourselves so we will never give birth to a child like this. Goodnight everyone!