Interview with a Tranny.

I know I said I would be updating with tales of my trip to Ireland and I do have some stories to tell but I really feel this one needs to be shared as soon as possible due to the sheer level of insanity contained within.

You guys read my blog so you must have gathered that I’m kind of a drunk asshole. You are correct in that assumption. I also have two other drunk assholes in my life: Jess and Jenna. When our powers combine magical things have been known to happen, but nothing so magical as what occured this past weekend. Jenna lives in Vancouver which is 4 hours away from Jess and I, so we decided to go visit her ass for her birthday on the weekend. We were all pretty excited to get the band back together but really nothing could have prepared us for the madness that ensued. God was smiling down on us that weekend. I also envision him winking and doing the elbow nudge to St Peter or whoever the hell hangs out with him in Heaven. Possibly Macho Man Randy Savage.

pictured: Jesus about to lose his World Wrestling Champion belt

One of the nights we were there, Jenna and I watching Austin Powers while powering up for another night out. Jess was outside the hotel smoking and was gone for quite a long time. Little did we know she was cultivating the very reason for this blog.

Jess came in and told us that she had made a new friend and was going to be hanging out with us for awhile. What happened next I seriously could not believe.

Now before I get into this I want to say that I really don’t have anything against someone who is transgendered, I would imagine it would be a very difficult thing to deal with and I think it’s a very brave thing to dress and act the way that you feel inside. I have felt extremely plain and unladylike in the prescence of some transgendered people because they look so goddamn ladylike and I refuse to throw away a pair of underwear that have a huge rip in the crotch. So you can see what I’m working with here. That being said: in walked the jankiest ass tranny I have ever seen.

So as soon as I set eyes on this lovely lady, who was very tastefully dressed I might add, thong straps pulled up over the top of jeans is a very flattering look. The first thing that ran through my mind was “I can’t believe Jess got mad at me for drinking in public 8 hours ago and then does this” Jennas first thought was “Shit. We are going to get robbed” my second thought was “fuck, I really wanted to just get drunk and watch Austin Powers on cable tv in peace”

"Feed my fish...not too much! I'm going to LONDON ENGLAND"

I am convinced her downstairs situation had nothing to do with the slew of hilarious lies spewing from her mouth, and more had to do with the fact she was an obvious insane drug addict. she busted out gem after gem while we struggled to keep a straight face. She introduced herself as Larissa and said she met Jess outside when she asked for a smoke since she needed to calm down after hearing that her 2 year old nephew died after getting stuck between a mattress and a wall. Don’t feel too sad since I’m pretty sure that nephew doesn’t even exist.

MURDERER!!! also, I see what you did there

I know a kid and he used to be 2 and I’m pretty sure if he got stuck between a wall and a mattress at that age he could easily escape and then probably tell me the story. In fact next time I see him I’m going to cram him between a wall and a mattress and tell him to escape, I’m confident he would be able to with ease. So unless this made up child had no arms I’m pretty sure this is the worst story ever, but it was just the first of the many truth nuggets Larissa pooped out for us:

On the subject of parenting:

She had apparently given birth to a child out of her urethra and then promptly lost custody of this potentially made up child because she was an unfit mother. She used air quotes when saying unfit mother. I feel those we uncalled for.

On the subject of marriage:

She was married already and divorced apparently, and her ex was a real jerk you guys.

On the subject of partying:

She was a real party girl, and she credits this to starting drinking vodka at the age of 13.

On the subject of almost being sliced in half by an elevator:

She was in one and the cord attached to the top of the elevator snapped and she got stuck in one for several hours before trying to pry the door apart to escape. I cut the story off at this point because we were actually in an elevator as she told it and we were at the ground floor so I just said “and here we are” and quickly shuffled away. Presumably the story ended with her not getting chopped in half.

On the subject of being the original Snookie:

This was the real whopper of this entire baffling situation. After she told this story Jenna and I sent Jess texts telling her that she is an idiot and this woman is clearly an insane drug addict.

There is a reality show called The Bad girls club and it is exactly what it sounds like: a house full of degenerate skanks that pull hair and throw drinks in each others faces no less than twice an episode. Larissa claimed that she was on the sequel to this show and that her nickname was Snookie but the producers liked the name so much they stole it and gave it to the Snookie we now know and secretly love (I know you guys all love her do not deny it!!)

Sometimes I think about how this girl has a published book and is much richer than I'm ever going to be. I think my hairdryer and I might go have a bath together

I asked her a few questions about this and she told me that she hasn’t actually seen any of the footage and it used to be online but now it’s not. If there’s one thing I know about The Internet, it’s that it never forgets. EVER. I was texting Matt during this entire ordeal giving him a play by play and I begged him to google the badgirls club and see if she was on it. He complied and she was not. He didn’t seemed too shocked about the whole situation so I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not but either way, he googled for me and that’s all I ever really want in a man. Oh and the reason she ended up on this show is that she originally came to Vancouver to model but a producer saw her on the street and cast her in the TV show. Yup.

not pictured: dignity, larissa the tranny, self worth, intact hymens, I could really go on

I shot Jess a look and at this point she was barely holding it together. We needed to get out of this scene as soon as possible and we were actually planning on going to a Burlesque show so we told the girl we needed to leave, she asked if we wanted to get some pictures together and clearly we did. So here it is:

 

my eyes are closed because I was laughing so hard. Jess' face is also just spectacular.

Fantastic. Just…fantastic.

So we went downstairs and tried to go our separate ways because unfortunately Larissas wallet got stolen and she had no ID so couldn’t get into the bar, I think this also might be because she was clearly under 19 years old. She asked Jess to buy some smokes for her and then we hustled away. As we walked away from the most ladylike flower ever we pounced on Jess but our anger quickly turned to laughter because we had escaped unstabbed so now it was just a hilarious story to tell at parties. Jess actually said “you should thank me! It’s good blog material” so Thank you Jess.

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4 Responses to “Interview with a Tranny.”


  1. 1 Sailer October 15, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    I’m pretty pissed that my picture with the tranny is on Larissa’s camera and not yours. Blerg.

  2. 3 George November 4, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Boobs. This blog needs more of them.


  1. 1 Tranny | TagHall Trackback on January 29, 2012 at 10:02 pm

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