4 movie genres that need to be taken out back and shot

Despite that half of my blogs contents consist of me getting wasted and reviewing bad movies, I do actually enjoy going to the movies. I have a deal with a friend that if one of us wants to see a movie and we can’t find anyone to go with, the other one will go with them. This is why I have seen Fast and the Furious 4 in theaters, I narrowly avoided having to watch Step 3D but then relented and watched it on Netflix with him a few months ago. I gotta say, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be so I guess jokes on me. Anyways, On my most recent visit to the movies, to see the cinematic masterpiece of Final Destination 5, there was an ad for a remake of Footloose. This is uncalled for, this also made me want to compile a list of things that movie studios need to stop letting happen.

1. No more fucking remakes

They're remaking this. And Gremlins. And the Monster Squad. Fuck your childhood!

As I mentioned earlier, they are infact remaking Footloose. The ad I saw had a little vignette infront of it about the making of and the phrase “give it some hip hop flair” was uttered. I nearly ripped my own head off in a blind rage. Why is this happening so much lately?  Did you know they’re making a new Spiderman movie? The first Spiderman movie with Tobey Maguire came out when I was in highschool, do you know how old this makes me feel? Blarghhh. I can accept some horror movie remakes, but usually the original was made in the 80’s which instantly makes it amazing. Horror movies from the 80’s had the best box art, the most bewbies, and the gorest scenes. Oh and the covers usually had some sort of terrible pun which I cannot get enough of.

YES YES YES

I mentioned earlier that I made the amazing decision to cancel cable because it’s full of garbage and Netflix has all the answers for me in the form of Southpark and most Troma films. Because of this, I rarely see commercials anymore so I usually only find out about terrible remakes while watching the tv at the bank while I’m doing deposits for work. It was there that I found out about the remake for Fright Night, which apparently has already weaseled its way into theaters, In 3D!!!!! So I went on a rant to the bank teller about how the original wasn’t all that effing good to begin with but they just remade it because vampires are so popular for some reason. He totally agreed with me, but I think it might be because last time I was there he told me a long story about how his computer broke/part of my bra was hanging out. Advantage Rigby!

The only thing worse than a movie remake is when a movie remake it called a “re imagining”  or a “re telling” Fuck you. It is a remake. This whole thing is making me want to go dance out my rage in a warehouse.

DAMN YOU JOHN LITHGOW JUST LET ME DANCE!!!

2.Inspirational Sports movies

Seriously. This genre should have ended with Slap Shot, or possibly The Might Ducks (ONE AND TWO ONLY)

really the only flowchart you will ever need

I went to a movie with my friend Di and they had an ad for an inspirational sports film about UFC, let’s read the plot synopsis shall we?

Two brothers face the fight of a lifetime – and the wreckage of their broken family – within the brutal, high-stakes world of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) An ex-Marine haunted by a tragic past, Tommy Riordan returns to his hometown of Pittsburgh and enlists his father, a recovered alcoholic and his former coach, to train him for an MMA tournament awarding the biggest purse in the history of the sport. As Tommy blazes a violent path towards the title prize, his brother, Brendan, a former MMA fighter unable to make ends meet as a public school teacher, returns to the amateur ring to provide for his family. Even though years have passed, recriminations and past betrayals keep Brendan bitterly estranged from both Tommy and his father. But when Brendan’s unlikely rise as an underdog sets him on a collision course with Tommy, the two brothers must finally confront the forces that tore them apart, all the while waging the most intense, winner-takes-all battle of their lives.

You can tell it's a serious movie because it's in black and white

What this doesn’t include is that the two brothers have to *GASP* FIGHT EACH OTHER at the end, and also one brother is a Iraq war vet. Of course.

As soon as this trailer ended, the movie we went to see started and Di was super distraught that the last trailer we saw was for that. It, and I quote, left a bad taste in her mouth. I am inclined to agree. These movies cater to the dumbest demographic, especially ones set in the US. That UFC movie combines The war on terror, Joe Everyman, a troubled past, father issues, Men punching each other in the face, and a heartwarming ending. Oh and I’m sure there’s a marriage on the rocks and a little child who just needs something to believe in, thrown in for good measure. They should give away tickets for free to these movies. FREE LIKE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

3. American versions of foreign films

This irks me like nothing else. It’s totally ridiculous and uncalled for, especially in recent examples, like Let the Right one In getting remade right after it came out in Sweden, a shot for shot remake except the minor differences of changing the title to Let me In because it’s shorter and easier to remember, and changing the two main characters into a little boy and girl instead of a little boy and androgynous character that used to be a boy. Oh, did I say minor? I meant HUGE AND RAGE INDUCING.

The changing of the title drives me nuts, like how Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone got changed to Sorcerers Stone because it was decided that children don’t know what a Philosopher is. But a Philosophers Stone is a real thing! I know this from being a huge nerd and seeing the entirety of Full Metal Alchemist. I’m seriously the coolest person you know. What the fuck is a sorcerers stone?

I googled it and I got this. Also, what is he so smirky about? WHAT DO YOU KNOW OLD MAN?

What is the reasoning for this other then stealing someone elses idea and remaking it in order to employ your own actors and production staff, is it the subtitle thing? Is that it? You assholes. I can’t abide remakes of Foreign films other than remakes of Japanese Horror films, have you seen the original Grudge? It makes no effing sense and I’ve seen it like 5 times. J horror (thank you Marina for now having that in my vocabulary) movies make no sense and the villains are retarded. Did you know there’s a horror movie about a wig that kills? I’m serious! And I saw one about a haunted locker, it was ridiculous. Where was I? oh yea, those are ok.

oh shit bitch!!! you in danger gurl!!

Movie remakes of foreign products but TV remakes are almost just as bad. Have you seen The Office? Of course you have. I know I am about to sound like a pretentious A hole but the british version is legit better and didn’t run for 18 years. For those of you that have seen The IT Crowd, you are awesome, For those of you who haven’t, go watch it. Most of it is on Netflix so you have no excuse. Anyways, they remade it in the states and I don’t even think it aired it was so bad. It’s on youtube so take a look at this mess. I know it has Richard Ayoade and Joel McHale in it, but it still somehow manages to be unbearable.

4. Movies pulled entirely out of someones ass

sure why not, this exists lets make it a movie, i'm dead inside, so on and so on

Here is a prime example of that: A movie is being made about the game Angry Birds. How is this possible? I can understand making a movie about a video game that contains a plot, cutscenes, and character development but what the hell is Angry Birds? I’m sure everyone is fucking itching to find out why the goddamn pigs are stealing bird eggs, and I’m positive it can be stretched into at least 90 minutes. Oh and shit you guys! since the birds rocket off a slightshot in the game, this movie will most definitely be in 3D so they can fly at your flipping face.

They’re also making a movie about The Sims. The plot is two kids get their hands on a copy of The Sims but whatever they do in the game, affects real life. OH MY GOD YOU GUYSSSSSS. So this movie will be a failure unless they include a scene of a woman shouting gibberish to the heavens, pissing her pants and then crying softly into her hands. I will also accept a scene of someone swimming in a pool and then when they go to get out realize that the ladder is gone. Later they come back as a ghost and wander around while eerie music plays. This could potentially be a hit now that I think about it.

"I'm hungry! I can't get into bed because it's pushed right against the wall! The toilet is clogged so I hit it with a wrench for 15 minutes! HELP ME!!

But if you were warming up to the idea of movies based off fucking nothing. Here’s one to make you want to go knock on your neighbours door and punch him into a coma when he answers just to spare him the knowledge of this movie being made.

Farmville.

They are making a Farmville movie.

I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH!! NO I WILL NOT HELP WATER YOUR CROPS I HOPE YOUR FAMILY STARVES TO DEATH AND YOU LOSE THE FARM

And with that, I leave you to weep in the shower with the knowledge that God has truly forsaken us.


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1 Response to “4 movie genres that need to be taken out back and shot”


  1. 1 marina October 27, 2011 at 10:33 am

    you know you love all things j-horror. especially games where you take photos of ghosts (?)

    also that wizard picture – i have a sexy denim vest with him on the back, just in case people can’t see how smarmy i am from the front..


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