2011 Gathering of the Juggalos aka my greatest dream come true.

So it has come to this. I always knew I would come back to my beloved Juggalos, they are the gift that keeps on giving. At a time I needed them most, they proved they were there for me by reminding me of their existence with the 2011 GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS.

 

SWEET SASSY MOLASSY

One of the reasons I haven’t been updating as much is because I have a serious case of writers block. I am really patting myself on the back by calling myself a writer, but I don’t know what else to call it. I think it’s a combo of my unexplainable urge to get 100% on Lego Harry Potter (I WILL UNLOCK YOU DUMBLEDORE) my laptop being broken for several months and the fact that we canceled cable so my knowledge of pop culture has been lacking as of late. Case in point: I just found out they made another Three Musketeers movie

This summer Matt and I had our 6 year anniversary (it feels like an eternity) and while I was ready to party, my body was all GUESS AGAIN and I got violently ill for the entire night. As I laid curled up in a blanket on the hotel bed cursing the fact that I wore fancy undies and no one was going to see them, Matt brought me the greatest gift of all: his laptop and a bunch of gravol. He then left me to my own devices while he went to hang out with the other couple that came with us on our trip. I then spent the next 2 hours in a drug induced haze reading about the gathering of the juggalos and inspiration struck. Juggalos are my muse, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

 

I will show you the butthole of my soul Juggalos

For those of you that don’t know, I have a serious love/hate relationship with Juggalos, I love that a hilarious subculture of humans exists like this but I hate the fact that they have viable eggs and sperm and may potentially murder me with a hatchet. I talked about Juggalos before, way back in 2009 and I still get hate mail from it. So I can only assume that this article will receive the same sort of response.

The 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos was not the first of these gatherings but let me just give you the run down on this whole situation. Essentially it is a music festival held by Juggalos. As you can imagine, a festival held by a group of people who probably don’t hold highschool diplomas is going to be unintentionally hilarious. There are several bands that play, including the Juggalos lord and savior Insane Clown Posse, there are carnival rides, food booths, tents, gross topless women, and toothless dudes with clown makeup on their face. I have some pictures from the gathering, I should just show you those and let you thank God that smellavision doesn’t exist yet.

 

I find it enraging that the Juggalette on the left has a better body than me. Maybe I should switch to a steady diet of weed and faygo soda

something makes me think these crazy kids are going to make it

BRIAN?!? you better be there ironically you beautiful bastard

At Juggalo gatherings they often have guest “celebrities” show up and the Juggalos react to this the way they react to most things: by throwing trash and screaming obscenities. Last year Tila Tequila showed up and the Juggalos showed their appreciation by whipping bottles at her head. This entire scenario blows my face apart. A pseudo celebrity who got famous for being skanky on MySpace went to a gathering of the Juggalos and got trash thrown at her. This also blows my mind because I assume she got some sort of monetary reward for agreeing to come to this thing, so she essentially got paid to stand on stage for 7 minutes and get pelted with sandwiches and bottles of Faygo soda. A third mind explosion comes into play when you take into account that she probably got paid more for that then the people throwing the junk at her make in a month.

if this picture made a sound it would be the losing horn sound from the price is right

This month they probably didn’t know how to react because Charlie Sheen was the special guest and it seems pretty redundant to throw garbage at garbage.I’m guessing this appearance at the gathering of the Juggalos is one of the last stops on his crazy train. Hopefully the station is the sweet release of death when he chokes on one of his teeth that are falling out from constant drug use.  I am seriously so glad the whole Charlie Sheen thing is coming to an end, It’s not funny. WINNING is not funny. Just stop it. STOP IT.

Anyways, another exciting thing happened at this years gathering of the juggalos, only by “exciting” I mean “a dude died” It’s more of a funny “uh-oh” than a funny “ha-ha” but yea, this shit happened.

It’s actually pretty sad, but ya it happened. I’m actually pretty perplexed as to why this hasn’t already happened. In fact I don’t know there isn’t at least a dozen deaths per year, I mean the carnival rides, the poorly prepared food, the drugs, It’s like a bad smelling storm of impending doom. The kids from the Final Destination movies have a better chance of survival.

Anyways, aside from the occasional Darwin attack, the Juggalo gathering seems like a real scene. If I wasn’t so terrified of being shanked or seeing this:

AY CARUMBA

Then I would probably go as some sort of bizarre social experiment. and yes, those underwear(??) say Pyscho Bitch on them. In fact, most of the girls I’ve seen pictures of at this thing are wearing a shirt that says pyscho bitch or just no shirt at all. So much sunburned pasty skin. I can’t even.  So I feel the following photos will say more than I ever could about this diverse group of fucking idiots. Enjoy!

I can tell you what's not in that can: a GED, a letter from the state saying that your baby Isn't being taken away, a negative drug test

 

of all the things to hate in this world, why WI FI??? GODDAMN IT JUGGALOS

 

awww Nicki isn't that bad!

 

what? is this written on a rock? is this a request or a threat? I'm so scared right now.

 

did you guys ever see Creepshow? where that slimy black mass comes out of the lake and kills all those teenagers? I wish that was in the background of this photo

 

Blergh.

 

my gay what? MY GAY WHAT?

 

what kind of horrible trade is this? she would never survive pioneer days!

 

Clearly why you can see why I am so obsessed with them! A friend of mine went as a Juggalo for Halloween and I wanted to marry him. Seriously everything about Juggalos is hilarious, the entire idea of all these people gathering together to celebrate bad music, poor life choices and a mutual love of getting wasted. It’s like a gift from the comedy gods. The next time you’re having a bad day I want you to stop, take a breath and think to yourself “at least I’m not a Juggalo” It will make you feel better, I promise. This last picture I have been saving for the bitter end of this article because I really feel it sums up the human experience of the Gathering of the Juggalos.

God bless you Juggalos. GOD BLESS.

 

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13 Responses to “2011 Gathering of the Juggalos aka my greatest dream come true.”


  1. 1 Matthew November 17, 2011 at 4:25 am

    Poor gold Rigs. Pure, pooped out of a lepricons ass, gold.

  2. 3 brianne sheppard November 17, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    Ha, you can have him Rigs. I’ll even throw in the leftover face make-up and the track pants. Fuck, I hate the feel of track pants.

  3. 4 Sailer November 17, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Every time a Juggalo dies, an angel gets its wings.

  4. 5 Amy November 21, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Where the hell is Faygo sold anyway? I’ve NEVER seen it in a store, and I actually went to college in the same town that the dude who died was from (and a couple of hours from the festival itself). The two topless chicks look like freshmen sorostitutes who got directions from the local Hot Topic store. I can’t think of any bulemic who can survive Juggalo carnival fare and still look like that… I totally endorse the turd-flavored porn placement though!

    • 6 rigsamarole November 23, 2011 at 4:34 pm

      you are blowing my mind that you were in such close proximity to this festival! If they have it there again next year I might have to send you on some recon missions. I think you can get Faygo in dollar stores? I haven’t seen it at all in Canada which I’m pretty sad about.

      • 7 Amy November 28, 2011 at 1:41 am

        I’ve never been in Family Dollar, or THE Dollar Store, but there are some real finds in a Big Lots! Maybe they have Faygo… I may never have seen a real live Juggaloo, but it makes sense the festival is where it is. There are a lot of things wrong with central Kentucky and Tennessee…

      • 8 rigsamarole November 30, 2011 at 1:16 pm

        I should really just order some Faygo online because I think I need to taste that sweet nectar to fully understand the Juggalos

      • 9 cereal October 3, 2012 at 6:22 am

        its a mid us soda. I’ve been looking for it as i traveled around and could find it in Texas and Missouri, but nowhere near the cost or border .

  5. 10 asdasdffasd March 5, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    Waitwhat? You’re ‘enraged’ because that blonde on the left has a better body than you? For christ’s sake, the psycho bitch has a better body than you! And i’m not even trolling =/

    • 11 rigsamarole March 6, 2012 at 6:52 pm

      wait, what? are you calling me fat? my childs size medium novelty Harry Potter T-Shirt begs to differ good sir! D- for trolling efforts, especially since you added that insufferable sideways sad face.

  6. 12 dax s. January 9, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    God I want to bang the hot ones. Probably because they have to be so easy to bag, I mean I have a job and a car, Neither are too shabby either.. so I’m light years ahead of anyone they’ve been with. God I want to plow a hot juggalette


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