Black Friday: A retail death match

I am sure you are all well aware of this situation but I felt like after watching 45 minutes of youtube videos featuring people losing their GD minds that it was my civic duty to make fun of these morons. I live in Canada and our Thanksgiving, well mine at least, is comprised of mainly day drinking, eating a huge dinner and wearing paper crowns we get out of those Christmas crackers. Last thanksgiving we really switched it up by going to the bar, which I might add, was completely packed. I spent most of the night watching a man who was clearly high dance frantically for hours by himself on the dancefloor. It was a solid little holiday.

happy holidays from this guy, glowsticks and E.

The closest thing to Black Friday that we have in Canada is Boxing Day and as someone who has worked in a mall for 3 consecutive Boxing Days, I’m going to go ahead and say it was not as bad as some of this footage I’ve been seeing of Black Friday. I used to work at a lingerie store and on boxing day we would only let in a few people at a time so we wouldn’t get totally mobbed. My job was to stand at the door and let people in one at a time until there was 15 people in the store. I must say that I did go a bit mad with power. I was like an underwear bouncer and people lost their minds at me. A grown woman yelled at me for not letting her in fast enough and another woman tried to give me 5 bucks to let her in right that second. So that display was less frightening and more sad, and really hilarious to talk about. I’ve never set foot in a mall on Boxing Day when I wasn’t working because I  prefer to spend that day being hungover and playing with my sweet toys that I got the day before.

SWEET. Fun Fact: I went through at least 8 of these in my childhood. As Wolverine is my favourite, he always got included in adventures and constantly got destroyed.

I do know people that have lined up the night before Boxing Day outside of electronics stores to get cheap TV’s and whatnot. They have gotten good deals but it’s really only a good deal if you count your time being worth nothing. Usually Boxing Day sales last all week so the stores can unload all their merchandise on people. As someone who worked retail I can tell you that half the things on sale are from 4 seasons ago and a lot of the time they just keep things the same price they were before the sale, and just switch out the normal white tag to a red tag so people think it’s a super good deal. People are idiots you see.

"We're dumb!"

Apparently most of the people in the US spend thanksgiving either mentally preparing themselves to shank a bitch for a good deal, or alternatively silently cursing the fact that they have to go to their terrible retail jobs at midnight to watch hordes of the undead grab blindly at sweaters and vacuum cleaners. I honestly do not get this. I do, however, understand people who line up outside of videogame stores waiting for a game to come out but I think that’s because I have a soft spot for hardcore nerds and it would probably be pretty fun to hang out in one of those lines. I think that doesn’t bother me because it’s more of a concentrated effort for a single goal but Black Friday seems like a huge mess where everyone is just clobbering each other. And judging by the video footage most of the shoppers are wearing sweatpants which is just a whole different mess on it’s own. I have compiled a short list of places sweatpants are acceptable to wear out in public and a mall is not on that list.

you bet your ass this grimy bitch is on the list!

This whole thing is ridiculous mainly because the objects everyones spazzing out over will be forgotten by the time the next black Friday rolls around. Remember Tickle Me Elmo? Nintendo Wii? Furby? Polio vaccine? I rest my case.

I have seen footage of refugees getting bottled water from the red cross act in a more dignified manner. Then again, Dyson vacuum cleaners are really much more important than water.


Last year someone got trampled to death in a walmart, which of all stores probably has the most mass per customer especially when you factor in all those little scooters that people use in there. This morning when I checked ye olde Google there was already a story about someone pepperspraying a bunch of people for trying to get to the X Boxes before her. X Box? Really? I hope that woman is cursed with the red ring of death on that ill gotten Xbox.


Some of the stories coming out of the states about Black Friday violence are involving attempted robberies. This seems like the right way to do it. Just wait in a parking lot for some idiot to come back to their car and then rob them. They do all the shopping for you, and you just have to wave a gun at them for 30 seconds and make your escape, it’s like a personal shopper that you don’t pay and make lay face down on the concrete and count to 50 while you run away. My favorite story so far is about a woman who someone tried to rob and she was all “oh hale naw!” and grabbed a gun out of her glovebox and shot it into the air while the robber ran away. This story is amazing for several reasons. Namely the fact that this woman had a gun in her glovebox and that her response to a robbery was to shoot her gun in the air like Yosemite Sam.

"Git your hands off my purse ya varmit!"

So lets watch some videos of people losing their minds at stores, for comparison sake I have also added in a video of Hyenas trying to steal food from some lions. The similarities are really quite astounding.

Hahah wow. And this is why most of the world hates The United States, well this and the fact that congress just officially made pizza a vegetable. Something that really raises the question of what a vegetable pizza would look like. Just pizza bagels on top of a bigger pizza? That sounds like a stoners dream. Some people probably argue that Black Friday is a tradition and that they enjoy it but I think they’re lying to themselves. I have a holiday tradition of getting blitzed and watching Home Alone every year, now that’s a tradition you can get behind! So I hope you guys all had a trample free day! Or if you did go to black Friday you were the trampler and not the trampl-ee.


4 Responses to “Black Friday: A retail death match”

  1. 1 Amy November 26, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Okay. Americans are awful. Speaking as one, I didn’t realize how bad we TRULY were until I got fed up and left the country, and I was pissed of as it is, at the time. But speaking as a poor college student back in the day, throughout the years, I worked for Disney, Hot Topic, and countless other retailers, all the while working nights shilling drinks like a good underage boozer. I will tell you right now… it is those disullusioned housewives that are the worst. Their husbands no longer love them, cheat on a regularly basis and (may or may not) beat them because they don’t spend his paycheck on their shitty-ass kids. I grew up in a loving and influential household (so sue me) and have had the misfortune of watching my homeland turn to absolute garbage. If I were 11 and cried when I wanted my father or mother to buy me some overpriced piece of shit (I don’t mean you, PS3/XBox360/Kinect!!!!!!), they would turn to me and tell me to change a change a tire to earn it. I hear parents now telling their kids to “be nice” for a reward and I want to BACKHAND them, especially when I was their teacher when they were 5. There is a reason teachers now have to have “equal footing” and “social cohesion” and can’t just say “that is wrong” for early learning. Please tell me things are not this politically correct in Canada. … I had a great vacation there once, at Marine Land in Ontario….

    • 2 rigsamarole November 30, 2011 at 1:13 pm

      I am laughing so hard at this rant haha, can you please move to Canada? just write that rant on your application and chug a bottle of maple syrup and I’m pretty sure they’ll make you an official citizen.

  2. 3 Ashli November 27, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    As a witness, I can confirm the amount of Wolverines that died under our watch. RIP Wolverine 1,2,3, & 4. Ye were loved.

  3. 4 Amy December 12, 2011 at 9:36 am

    I happen to hate pancakes and waffles. I get my sugar intake from acohol so I have no room for sweet things. I WILL however, eat Fireball Whiskey candies. I cannot stand Hot Damn, but cinnamon-flavored whiskey is just right. A pain in the ass to make, but awesome as hell. Colorado is as cold as can be, so Canada can’t be that far off, right?

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