Call the Academy Awards and give these movies ALL THE AWARDS EVER.

Well the holidays are fully upon us. I can determine that by my Disney Princess advent calendar being mostly eaten, and the amount of times I have turned around and fled after spending 30 seconds in a Wal Mart. One of my favourite things to do on my days off work for Christmas is to lay on the couch with no pants on and watch movies while nursing a hangover/creating a future hangover. I have stumbled upon possibly the three worst ACTUAL movie trailers and I really want to share them with you guys because I know you, much like me, love alternating between raging, laughing and saying “oh come on really? what the fuck!” at your computer screen. So without further ado here are 4 awful movie trailers that you will no doubt be posting on your friends Facebook walls with the caption “hahaha holy shit”

October Baby

First of all, as soon as this girl said she was an abortion survivor I immediately thought of Charlie Kelly from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Please tell me some of you did as well.

Second of all, what? Is this movie supposed to scare people into not getting abortions because your botched abortion baby could show up at your door years later with a stupid look on her face? that does sound horrible actually.

One of my favourite parts is at around the 50 second mark when the girl asking “why am I sick?” is immediately followed by a reviewer saying they laughed so hard. Also please note that this quote  was taken from an abortion survivor, which is very alarming because I’m sure the family dinners are supremely awkward at that household.

As the trailer goes on we realize that this girl is in fact adopted and goes on a fun filled roadtrip to find the woman who tried to abort her ass. I don’t understand why the movie wasn’t just about a girl trying to find out who her birth mother is, why throw in the “botched abortion” angle? It seems very distasteful and almost completely scientifically inaccurate. If anything this movie wants me to support abortions more so that doctors won’t be so shitty at giving them and fuck up the whole thing leading to wacky roadtrips down the line. Lord knows we do not need another Crossroads situation on our hands.

I know abortions are a touchy subject but I really feel that Kang and Kodos said it best.

“Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others”

C Me Dance (yes it’s C, not see)

I have no idea what the fuck this mess of a trailer is supposed to tell us. The first half seemed like a girl who thought she could defeat cancer with a combo of dancing/prayer and then it took a sharp turn around the minute mark and became a movie with a demon in it? I love how when they first showed the demon a bunch of leaves were swirling around him because if The Happening taught us anything it’s that weather is EVIL.

FUCK YOU GUYS

Is this movie about a girl who challenges the devil to a dance off (hopefully in a factory!) and then if she wins she doesn’t die of cancer? That doesn’t sound entirely terrible, especially if it was in 3D!!!!

I really just can’t get past the whole C in the “C me dance” ridiculous! Oh apparently on closer inspection the demon in question is actually in fact Lucifer himself. Apparently the prince of darkness has nothing better to do than bother an overacting teen, a teen I might add who is not even  blonde. Why is he wasting his time with Sarah plain and tall? disgusting. I hope this movie ends in a Devil went down to Georgia situation and when the girl beats the devil in a dance off he has to hand over his golden leg warmers

So Awesome!

A Warriors Heart

Despite looking like it should have been released directly to VHS  in 1998, this movie is actually just being released.  I am quite familiar with the two main actors from getting drunk at the last three Twilight movies and having to stare at their bland faces. What a pair of honky crackers. This movie is totally all over the map, first it looks like it’s a love movie between two highschoolers who are clearly well into their 20’s, and then it might be a sport movie about FUCKING LACROSSE. But then you think it’s a movie about a soldier dying in Iraq, and then a movie about some kid going to a native american boot camp. This movie trailer made me say “wait..what?” 4 times. FOUR TIMES. That is uncalled for! I was already on planning to include this movie on the list the second Lacrosse came in the picture but then it was just cemented after the Native American Bootcamp got brought in. But really, Lacrosse? I feel I can’t move past this.

ah! this includes both lacrosse AND a Native American, do you think this movie was based entirely on this image result from Google?? I MUST INVESTIGATE FURTHER

I am really, really sick of movies pandering to the whole Iraq war veteran thing. I mean, I really want them to bring the troops home just so I won’t get a bad taste in my mouth after seeing all these retarded movie previews when I’m just trying to enjoy my fucking Swedish Berries! Which brings us to our next Cinematic masterpiece…

Act of Valor

Ughhhh. I got bored halfway through this preview and it was only 2 minutes long. So what exactly is the story? who are these people and why should we care? We get it. The United States is proud of its army. Stop making movies about it. Oh and maybe don’t stick an ad for a video game at the end of your movie trailer if you want to send any sort of legitimate message. That message being, of course, FUCK YES AMERICA WE BLOW SHIT UP AND RESCUE WOMEN WITH BLACK EYES BETTER THAN YOUR COUNTRY WOOOOO. I did kinda dig on that dude falling in the water into the loving arms of a SEAL though, that was very touching.

This movie trailer was actually brought to my attention by my friend Di after she told me about a movie preview she saw that was even shittier than the one for that UFC movie I wrote about earlier. I sent her a link to that fucking lacrosse  movie thinking that might be it but she corrected me and showed me this badboy. I wish every single day that she hadn’t. DAMN YOU!

 

So please, If anyone from the Academy is reading this, please for your consideration: the four greatest movies of our, nay, ANY generation. Not even Kanye could disagree with these winners!

haha oh Kanye! you smug fuck.

 

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4 Responses to “Call the Academy Awards and give these movies ALL THE AWARDS EVER.”


  1. 1 Di December 21, 2011 at 2:55 am

    Wow, I don’t think I could pick which one of these movies is the worst! But I will say this…C me dance is going to theatres as an ‘A’ list movie? That girls acting was ‘C’ at best, that should be a straight to DVD. Ugh.

  2. 2 Amy December 21, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Hahahah, I actually have seen that “C Me Dance” trailer before. I want to say I’ve seen the movie, but I have seen so many awful Christian films, that I always fall asleep and they blend together… I actually went to Bible School for almost a year, and this is what we did as “fellowship fun.” Would be awesome, but only if there was whiskey involved. (Speaking of which, go and rent the three “Left Behind” movies as fast as you can. Pure excellence.)

    But I would actually go see “Acts of Valor.” I don’t consider myself the most patriotic person in the world, but I have a few friends who have either died in Iraq, or barely survived and are beyond fucked up because of it. I don’t actually like war movies, but seeing how things really happen, I find interesting. It’d be like watching the whole Military Channel lineup in 2 hours.

  3. 3 kaffsillogicalconclusions December 21, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    A Warrior’s Heart has to be the whitest looking movie ever. I didn’t believe it was real the first time I saw the trailer.

  4. 4 marina December 25, 2011 at 7:06 am

    what! no way! i was just talking about this creepy book i found at the bookstore about this girl whose mother had a “saline abortion” and her baby ended up surviving and was all screwed up from it, and became an angry christian and campaigns actively against abortion… and shes the “abortion survivor” the quote is from. holy moly. the things that come back to haunt you..


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