Obviously you all knew this was coming. As per tradition, I got drunk and watched the newest Twilight installment. This one was a bit different because when I was waiting for my partner in crime, Jenna, to come home for Christmas and fully enjoy this mess with me, the stupid thing left theaters. This deflated us a little bit because half the fun is getting drunk in the theater and being ridiculous. Yadda Yadda Yadda, we got our hands on a copy and popped ourselves in front of the TV with our dranks and started the insanity.
This is where it got tricky. Whereas the other installments in this franchise actually had a plot, however terrible and weak it was, there was still some semblance of one. This movie had no plot to speak of. Literally all of the events in this movie could have been condensed into 30 minutes. While I was watching it I was actually sweating about how I would possibly write a review of it when there was no substance. I’ll try for you my darlings.
So the last movie ended with Edward awesomely ripping a vampires head off and this movie not so awesomely starts with Bella and Edwards insufferable sister getting ready for Bella’s upcoming wedding, they do this by showing Bella clumsily walking in heels, because she’s just so quirky! They also panned over to Edward staring out from his balcony for a solid 30 seconds but never explained why. I like to think that he was dreaming of a better life when he was just a bit player in a Harry Potter movie and women didn’t try to cut pieces of his hair off while he walked by.
Later that night, Edward creeps hard on Bella in her room just for old time sakes and to explain to her that he kind of sucked (pun!) back in the day because he killed people when he was first a vampire. They had a flashback of Edward wearing a fedora (that’s how we know it was the 40’s) axing a dude, and he claims that everyone he killed was a murderer so it was kind of ok. Bella, of course, is totally cool with her soon to be husband’s confession of countless murders. I also noticed that she was not concerned with her soon to be husband exclusively sucking on dudes necks.
Edward is then whisked away for his bachelor party by his lame brothers, one of who I thought was a brand new character because they gave him an Ellen Degeneres circa 1998 haircut. It was grim. Bella of course just goes to bed because she has no friends. Wah wahhh.
Anyways, since this movie just has to pack so much action and intrigue into 2 hours, they dive headfirst into the wedding. This scene took roughly 30 minutes. I have been to actual wedding ceremonies that were shorter than this scene.
Ok so the wedding is fully in gear and after walking up the aisle for 5 minutes Bella is finally up at the front with her goon of a husband. He decided to style his hair terribly. This actually was a real bone of contention with me because this man normally has glorious hair and for this entire movie it looks like he just got out of a rainstorm. Even Matt commented on it. Clearly you can guess how riveting this movie was if the main characters hair quality was an important point. Bella’s dad and his mustache were looking foxy as always.
Anyways, I was about 3 drinks in at this point and the wedding was STILL going on! Some other stranger bitch vampires showed up and I think one was either mad that Edward didn’t boink her or that there was werewolves at the wedding. I probably should have mentioned that before but yes, those stupid werewolves were there.
Jacob then showed up and roughly shook Bella for a few seconds while telling her she’s stupid for marrying Edward and she kind of takes it until Edward zoomed over and is like “not cool bro” then they mercifully left the scene to go to Brazil for their honeymoon.
I feel that I need to bring this up. How exactly is Edward getting a passport? Or a driver’s license? Dude is like a hundred years old. I was discussing this with Jenna and we came to the conclusion that there’s some sort of secret Vampire society working amongst Government officials to supply vampires with Government issued ID. Or alternatively he’s like The Flash and can just fun so fast that he can skid along water and he just ran to Brazil. Again, judging by this exchange you can guess how enthralling this film was.
Finally the moment my loins and I have been waiting 3 movies for arrived. They bang. While Edward goes and stands in the ocean looking up at the moon (gayyyyy) Bella spazzes out in the bathroom because she’s nervous for the humping. Her husband is a 100 year old virgin, she really has nothing to worry about. Anyways, They finally bang!! I was so excited once they started getting down and dirty. But it was all for naught because just as Edward got one pump in, they cut to black. I was so enraged. I have seen sexier episodes of Pokémon. I don’t know why they couldn’t just give us the goods! WE CAME TO SEE FILTHY BANGING!! (also when I wrote “spazzes out” earlier, my computer autocorrected it to “pizzas out” and I cannot stop laughing about it)
So the next morning Bella wakes up and is covered in feathers because her borderline abusive husband broke the shit out of their bed with his vigorous banging. She’s like “best night of my life!!” and Edwards like “sorry for the soft tissue damage” seriously. Because he’s so strong, the power of his vampire boner caused him to rough her up so she’s covered in bruises. This really does not sit well with me. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of roughness but only if both parties are down for it and there’s a safe word in place (cacao) this was clearly not the case. Edward feels pretty bummed out about the whole thing and Bella in true feminist fashion is concerned that she wasn’t good enough for him.
This movie franchise is going to breed a generation of women who think it’s ok if they get smacked in the mouth as long as their boyfriend is mysterious. Seriously, if you went to a police officer and gave him a list of things Edward does to Bella and said a guy was doing them to you, he would urge you to press charges. He watches her sleep, isolated her away from her family and what little friends she had, dismantled part of her vehicle so she couldn’t drive it to visit a guy he didn’t like, and now for the icing on the cake: beat the hell out of her on their wedding night.
Anyways, they get over this incident and move on to other exciting honeymoon activities like playing chess. I’m also serious about this. There was a montage of them hiking, playing chess, swimming, playing chess, PLAYING CHESS. Finally Bella breaks down her husband and he decides to sleep with her one more time. Big mistake.
This brings us to the movies extremely tepid third act. That’s right, it’s almost over. I know what you’re saying to yourself “but nothing happened! How can it almost be over??” well it is. SO DEAL WITH IT.
Bella somehow becomes pregnant with Edwards monster fetus and in his first good idea ever he’s like “let’s abort that jazz!” and Bella’s like no I love it bla bla. So they fly back to Edwards parents place and she becomes increasingly pale and Gollum like because the mutant baby is eating her from the inside out. It’s pretty funny.
Meanwhile Jacob realizes that he’s still in this movie and he is pretty mad that Bella’s all knocked up, so after a scene on a beach where him and his Indian pals play soccer (intercut with Darcy yelling “This movie is correct! Indians love playing soccer!!”) The wolfpack decides to kill that baby. Solid plan I say. There was a very bizarre and unintentionally hilarious scene where Jacob and the other wolves argue in wolf form about it but in their heads. This was especially funny to me because I pictured the actors in sound booths reciting these stupid lines while they died a little inside. I have no idea what happened at the end of this argument because I was completely checked out at this point. Sorry.
Thus brings us to the funniest part in the entire movie. Bella is full Gollum at this point and is looking really gross. Edwards sister is all gung ho on the baby so she’s looking after Bella and they’re in the bathroom. Edward walks by and sees so he stands there and stares. His sister notices and does the classic slow door close straight out of The Godfather. It was amazing if only for reminding me for a split second that good movies do exist out there. Edward is very concerned about his wires increasing resemblance to Tutankhamun’s mummified corpse and decides to go online and YAHOO mutant vampire babies. That’s right. He uses YAHOO. This made Jenna and I lose our minds because WHO USES YAHOO??? I just had to mention it because, really? YAHOO? Come on Cullen, get your head in the game.
Finally Bella goes into labour and we’re treated to a really weird scene with lots of flashing lights and general terribleness. Edward has to bite the baby out of her guttyworks, which was less funny than I expected. And then just stands there like a goon with blood all over his mouth as he holds the baby. They really should have just spliced in the scene with the chest burster from Alien. Oh right, and Bella dies.
You’re welcome for that little ditty. Edward is pretty sad about it and decides to bite her all over the effing place to try to get her heart started/turn her into the most awkward vampire ever. Where Edwards father is, who is an actual doctor, was not discussed. Half the family was just absent entirely. Bad time to go for a Taco Bell run I guess. Meanwhile, CGI Wolf Jacob is running to the house to murder that stupid baby. Once he lays eyes on the baby though, his plan changes.
What I’m going to explain to you is 100% what happened. I am not making this up and I’m actually glad my brain couldn’t come up with this. Earlier in the movies they had explained that werewolves “imprint” on other people thus falling in love with them forever. I think you know where I’m going with this. Jacob falls in love with the baby. I’m serious. There’s a nice little flashforward where they show what the baby will look like all grown up and I guess that’s supposed to make us feel better about the whole thing. This is just another nail in the coffin of women’s rights that this series just despises for some reason. What if the baby doesn’t love Jacob back? Is she just forced from birth into marrying this stupid llama face? That never came up in the previous times they talked about imprinting because who cares right? They’re just women. Don’t forget though: a woman wrote this series. She’s a very rich, stupid woman.
Meanwhile Edwards plan to bite his wife back to consciousness unfortunately worked and she pops open her eyes and oooh they’re red because now she’s a vampire!!!
Yup. That was the entire movie. I explained the entire mess to you. Keep in mind that they did split the last book into two movies, so the second one has to be better, right? Ughhh. Sorry to add to your post New Years nausea with that fact.