Heyoo chimps (misspell and I am leaving it) as you all know, today is Valentines day. Possibly the most useless holiday ever. I actually almost forget about it every year because my boyfriends birthday is the day after and clearly that is the more important holiday to celebrate, mainly because it often comes with a free meal so I don’t have to pony up to pay for his dinner. Advantage Rigby!
Some people disagree with me and think that Valentines is a very sweet and important holiday. These people are wrong. Valentines day has become even more annoying since the invention of Facebook because now I am treated to a solid 15 post block of people putting up photos of the bouquet their boyfriend bought them. Bouquets are not the worst offender though, I am going to be discussing several more terrible and in some cases creepier gifts you could buy your significant other/person you are currently stalking.
1. Gigantic teddy bears
Seriously. Stop with this. No grown woman wants these in her house. Imagine if you’re dating a guy for 5 years and every year he gives you a gigantic teddy bear. What the fuck are you supposed to do with these bastards? just let them pile up? Do you guys remember the movie Paranormal Activity? well in that movie, the couple have one room and in the corner there is a giant teddy bear. This being there distracted me throughout the entire movie. Seriously, next time you watch that movie you will notice it and it will sicken you.
These things must cost a fortune too, I saw one that was a hundred bucks. Do you know how much booze and tacos you can buy with a hundred bucks? Now that makes for a good valentines day!
I have one teddy bear from when I was little. This is acceptable because it has a lot of sentimental value and I’ve had him since I was 7. And yes, I said him. When people buy these stupid dancing gorillas or giant teddy bears it just screams “I don’t know you or your interests well enough to get you something you’ll like, but social pressures made me buy this stupid thing” or, alternatively: “I’m lazy but still want to smash you later”
2. Love kits
I used to work at a lingerie store and they would always haul these dumb things in around February and people always bought them. They usually contain those sexy dice, some form of chocolate edible oil, a feather thing and furry handcuffs or sashes. I in fact haven’t seen one that didn’t have a feather thing. What is that about? are feathers sexy? do you like rub them on your boyfriends balls or something?
always sold out and I always wondered how that night went. Maybe it’s just me but those sorts of things always seem kinda creepy. I couldn’t picture rolling dice with my boyfriend and having to CARESS his ASS or whatever it tells you to do. Just get down to business and then finish watching the episode of Workaholics you paused. That’s romance!
I have no problem with buying sex toys or the like, but these just seem so useless, unless the kit you’re buying for your girlfriend contains an actual sex toy and not just weird smelling chocolate body paint then you’re wasting everyones time. Maybe I’m just biased because whenever I sold one it was always to a giggling 18 year old. And also, I’m dead inside.
3. Property of ____ shirts
I actually saw one of these today with my own eyeballs!! some broad was wearing a “property of my boyfriend” shirt. I started swerving towards her with my car until I snapped out of it, that’s how enraging these things are to me. It’s creepy to begin with because it’s weird to wear a shirt proclaiming that someone else owns you, it’s also very annoying. We get it. You have a boyfriend.
One time I went to a cast party for a web series my friends Jenna and Justine were working on, and it was in the same building as a Supernatural convention. The amount of “property of Jensen Ackles” and “property of Jared Padalecki” t shirts I saw in the walk from the front door to the party was mental and very cringeworthy. It went from funny to embarrassing within like a 40 second walk. Also, everyone wearing them was very unfortunate looking so that didn’t help matters. One legit looked like a barrel come to life. I’m serious! it’s like she came from that enchanted castle the Beast lives in. I know as soon as Jenna and Justine read this they will know EXACTLY who I’m talking about. Yeesh.
Anyways, where was I? oh right. These things are terrible. I really can’t stop thinking about barrel girl, I’m sorry.
I have saved the best for last. These actually exist.
I…I can’t even with this. What self respecting person would buy these and use them. If I saw a couple wearing this while walking towards me on the sidewalk I would have to fight the urge to red rover their asses and knock them down. Why do these exist? can’t you just buy separate gloves and hold hands that way? ughhhh.
Does anyone over the age of 15 actually hold hands with their significant other enough to warrant buying a pair of mittens like this? Most couples I know only hold hands when one of them is really drunk and swaying all over the damn place. Maybe I’m just bitter because I have tiny little hands that sweat profusely and are almost constantly clammy. I’m a mess.
So I’m sorry if you bought your lover any of these gifts, but you must know in your heart that they are lame as hell. I myself just got HEY. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY DUMMY. yelled at me by Matt, so clearly the passion is still alive and well in our relationship. Maybe a giant teddy bear and a pair of smittens will bring the fire back into our lives. Or not.