Grinds my gears vol. 4578309 (I’m bad at counting)

Sorry I haven’t updated in a while, I am a failure. But I’m back and hopefully the short attention span of the Internet hasn’t stricken all of you and you still remember me. If you do remember me then you also remember that I am a cruel hate filled person that is far too bitter for only being 26 years old. So here’s a list of some garbage I hate that I know the rest of you hate too

1. Minesweeper.

FFFFUUUUUUU

God I hate this game so much, when I’m playing those free games on Windows computers there is an order to it. First up is Solitaire, then Spider solitaire, then my true love/arch nemesis Freecell, and to cap it all off I wind down with a relaxing game of pinball. You will notice that Minesweeper is not on that list. That is because Minesweeper is a crime against God.

"I'll sweep your mines you little assholes!!"

When I was little I used to make a custom board for Minesweeper that was like 100X100 and had 1 mine in it. I know you all did this too! Then I would click at random and win instantly and that little minesweeper guy would put on his sunglasses. I felt like a total big shot and would kick my feet up on the desk, I’m sure if I had access to a big Cuban cigar I would chomp on that in victory. But if I ever played it legit I would lose almost instantly and those sweet sunglasses would be replaced with horrible X’s in his eyes! It would throw me into a rage and I would always vow to never play it again. I actually have deleted it entirely off my work computer because I can’t even stand looking at that stupid icon.

COOL DUDE

Have you ever met someone who legitimately likes this game? I think I’m going to use the question “do you like minesweeper?” as a way to filter out new friends. If their answer is anything other than a disgusted NO then that friendship was not meant to be. If I was ever single again (which might happen soon because I’m 50% sure my boyfriend heard me singing Patsy Cline the other day)  I would go to speed dating nights and the only question that I would ask would be DO YOU LIKE MINESWEEPER? YOU DO? NEXT! ALSO KILL YOURSELF. It would be a great way to weed out the losers. If anyone reading this legitimately likes minesweeper stop reading immediately, these words are not meant for your eyes.

2.Those stickers on cars that show family members in stickfigure form

Ugh, this photo is so sweet I just lost my foot to diabetes.

UGHHH Nothing enrages me more than when I’m in my car, most likely singing along to the Little Mermaid soundtrack, when some stupid van pulls in front of me with the entire back window plastered with these stupid things. You know what I’m talking about, they’re always on red vans too it seems. Where are people buying these things? They are making me long for the days of cars covered with stickers of Calvin peeing on various things. I got cut off the other day by one of these vehicles and the sticker had the two parents and, I kid you not, SIX CHILDREN STICKERS. I totally let the cut off slide because if I was driving around in a car knowing that I had six children to go home to, I would drive recklessly too just hoping a horrible car crash would send me to the arms of an angel who would gently whisper to me “in heaven you can shower for longer than 9 minutes without wondering if one of your kids is trying to choke another one to death”

OH SNAP! Ford will probably never recover from this PR slam.

Even weirder are the ones with stickers including dogs and cats, what do you do when the animal dies? Do you just scrape it off or do you go back to the store and buy a big white X sticker to put over top of it, or maybe a halo and some angel wings. How nuts would that be if those stickers started including dead family members? Just wrapping around the whole back of the car. “sorry I backed into that kid on the bike officer, the decal of my dead grandma was blocking my view. If it makes the grieving family feel any better I have an extra giant X sticker they can use to cover up the sticker representing their son on their astrovan”

3.The term Swag.

What does this mean? I keep seeing it and I’m confused every time. I think I hate it because it’s an example of me being old and out of touch, I’m on the downside of my 20s and the word Swag is just a glaring reminder that I’m getting old as balls.

When I was a young buck, swag meant free stuff. Usually giveaway promotional stuff, like stickers and beer coozys you would get chucked at your head during a skateboard movie premiere. But apparently as I was busy paying my mortgage the word took on a much worse, possibly sinister? Definition. It started out innocently enough, waiting in line at booster juice and openly scoffing at a teen in a shirt that said SWAG. But then it got worse. MUCH WORSE. (dun dun dunnn) last weekend I saw not one, but two shirts that said “LOL @ UR SWAG” and “MY SWAG IS BETTER THAN YOUR SWAG” I should also mention that both these shirts were neon green, because apparently the year is now 1993. I lived through Neon once, I’m not doing it again!!

I'm sure as hell not living through these sweaty feet factories again either!

I asked some kid that was rifling through the shirts what it meant and she said it meant “swagger” this is not a satisfying answer and it enrages me that I had to ask a girl in a fringed belly shirt to get it. I really should change this rant from “I hate Swag” to “I hate teenagers” because I do. I really, really do. I saw a girl yesterday with SLUT written on her sunglasses. WHY. First of all, how are you seeing? You have to peer out between the S and L. Second of all, I hate you.

I think I need to cut this short and go make a baby to counteract that girls gene pool. #SWAG

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2 Responses to “Grinds my gears vol. 4578309 (I’m bad at counting)”


  1. 1 Katie March 18, 2012 at 7:29 am

    This made me laugh out loud at word, which got me the side-eye from more than one person, but it also reminded me to delete that abomination of a game from my computer so you are also providing a much needed public service 🙂


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