First of all, I feel I need to explain myself and why I’m reviewing this goddawful mess of a film. So I was watching this new show The River on ABC it and I’m all “hey, that dude looks both very foxy and familiar” and after a quick search on my lifemate IMDB I found out it was my forgotten love, Joe Anderson. You may remember him from being all kinds of good looking in Across the Universe. I decided to pull a classic Rigby move and marathon all of the movies he’s like I did with Viggo Mortenson a month ago. The Viggo experience led to a sexy dream about him, so I figured I really had nothing to lose.
Turns out I had a lot to lose, namely my dignity. I have actually seen almost all the movies that this guy was in somehow, but they were all so bad I blocked it out of my memory. The Ruins was one of these movies, Along with this trying way too hard to be arty movie about Joy Division that I watched at some film society night and completely destroyed any sense of classiness by bursting out in laughter when a character had a totally unexpected seizure. My life is in shambles.
I saw this movie when it first came out but that was several years and braincells ago, so I can’t remember anything about it. I figured two birds with one stone right? I get to see my darling Janderson (It’s what I’m calling him DEAL WITH IT) and you get to read about how my soul is dying from this craptastic movie. I also somehow tricked my friend Di into joining me but to be honest it was pretty easy since she also loves bad movies and drinking.
I should also mention it took a shockingly long time to find this movie online, which leads me to believe no one wants this movie to be seen.
The movie opens with some lame ass white people hanging out by a pool getting drunk, apparently they are two couples on Vacation in Mexico. There’s also I want to say Russian(??) subtitles on this copy so maybe I’ll learn something while I watch this pile of trash. Aww yiss, it took roughly 30 seconds for my beloved Janderson to make an appearance and he is shockingly not looking very sleepy! he is however using a goddamn terrible German accent. I will let this slide because he is shirtless.
Janderson randomly comes over and offers to show them a Mayan temple that his friend is apparently hanging out at and they agree. This can’t possibly go wrong. Several scenes continue with them jerking around on the beach being fucking dumb while we drink.
A random Mexican appeared on screen and I yelled “IS THAT CHEECH?!” It was not. I am racist?
So now they’re in the jungle trying to find this temple and one of the tricks is like I HAVE FLIP FLOPS and I am enraged. Gurrrl, why are you wearing flip flops when you’re in a fucking jungle looking at temples and shit!?!? Ok some creepy kids showed up and the white bitches are like HOLA!! White people. amiright?
My friends Jake and Megs just showed up with booze and I got distracted. I don’t think we missed much though.
Alright they’re at the temple and some dude rolled up on a horse and started spazzing the fuck out while start shooting arrows at them. This is a reasonable reaction apparently. One their shirtless unnamed friends that I just noticed was with them got shot so they ran up the temple. BEST VACATION EVER! Apparently Jandersons buddies name is Heinrich and he’s just randomly yelling it, thus causing me to randomly yell it.
Janderson is losing his shit because he found Heinrichs dead body covered in leaves, and my friend Jake is commenting on how goddamn sleepy he looks. Joe, go have a fucking nap.
Janderson hears Heinrichs phone down the bottom of a pit so they decide to shimmy down using this weak ass looking rope pulley they found. Worst fucking idea ever. Shockingly the rope snaps and my beloved Janderson falls to the bottom. Hopefully finally taking that nap he needs. Apparently now they decided to send another girl down the hole despite the rope snapping like 30 seconds beforehand. PROBLEM SOLVING.
The rope doesn’t break the second time around and the girl found Janderson at the bottom and he’s all kinds of fucked up yet alive. She’s complaining that she hurt her knee though, so she’s clearly in worse shape.
They’re trying to leave the temple but people are there guarding it and wont let them leave. This movie probably would have made more money in the theater if they used this same tactic when people tried to leave.
So now a janky ass backbrace has been rigged up to save Janderson from the bottom of the pit. I’m really sure this will work. If I was him I would be so pissed that my rope broke on the first go and now two dumb bitches AND a backbrace have successfully made the trip down the pit. I would also be concerned that these bitches are my sole hope for living.
Well they have succeeded in suitcasing him not once, but twice! and now his back is definitely broken. You dumb idiots!
I went to the bathroom and I asked what I missed and Di said “…I kinda feel like a chick jerked one of the dudes off in a tent” fair enough. Fear erections are the best erections.
After falling asleep from the jerking, the girl wakes up and finds that a plant has grown inside her leg. It’s pretty gross.
Jandersons legs are now also covered in vines and he’s yelling about it in his hilarious German accent. The phone is still ringing down in that pit and they’re getting lowered down again. NO ONE GRABBED THE PHONE THE FIRST TIME?!?!? Good lord people GET IT TOGETHER!
These two dumb girls are walking around in the pit trying to find the phone and it turns out it’s a fucking plant making the sound of the cell phone. I CANT EVEN WITH THIS MOVIE!!!! Luckily(??) they escape the attacking plants. Hurray.
Meanwhile, Janderson is clearly dying and one of the dudes is a med student so he decides that they need to chop his fucking legs off. Haha oh mercy.
AHHHH so they decided to smash his fucking legs with a giant rock and then like, hacked off his legs! This is so bananas! I’m super grossed out and have spent the entire scene flailing around with my drink in my hand. There are several screen shots of his leg getting pulled off available, but I will spare you.
Well he passed out so at least he’s finally getting some sleep. We’re all getting progressively drunk so it’s getting difficult to focus on this shitty movie. I will soldier on!
All the couples are fighting because the plants made it sound like one girl was boinking her friends boyfriend, but she didn’t actually.I don’t really understand the motivation of these devil plants, I think they just really hate tourists. Anyways, the movies just been everyone yelling FUCK YOU at each other while a goddamn vine creeps down Jandersons face and kills him. Bravo you idiots.
I missed some of it because Megan and Jake started telling us about this delicious rum punch they can make, and we all got pretty excited about it.
Now the blonde girl is convinced a vine is growing inside of her, what an attention whore!
So turns out there are actually vines growing in this trick so they cut her open and yank all that shit out while she wines (mispelling after I spelled vines for so long, and I’m leaving it!!!)
They have now run out of food and Jake has come up with the solution that they should just eat the murder plants to kill them after I suggested they eat Janderson. Both are solid plans I think. Megan is now going into detail about how she would totally eat a dude if it came down to it and that the “back straps” are the best part. I’m keeping my eye on her.
The blonde chick is now chopping off various parts of her body while muttering and it’s pretty goddamn sick. Ohhh her boyfriend tried to stop her and she spun around and stabbed him. I should mention that his T Shirt had a bullseye pattern on it and it was a real missed opportunity for her to stab him directly in the bullseye. Ya blew it.
The vines are now grabbing his dead body and I’m guesing thatthey mussed have pulled Jandersons body away too at some point but I missed it? I was drinking heavily as you can tell by the horrible misspellings I made earlier in the sentence. I decided to leave it as a reminder to myself to keep on being awesome.
They stabbed the blonde girl because she would not shut the fuck up about wanting to die and it just got very tedious. There’s just two of them left. The dude covered the girl in blood and is trying to do the old “pretend they’re dead trick” that never works by bringing her body down to the bottom of the temple and causing a clever distraction of “being shot multiple times by Mexicans while his girlfriend makes a run for it” She’s now running through the jungle while the CCR song Run through the jungle DOES NOT PLAY. MOVIE, YOU ARE FUCKING UP!!!
She ran to a vehicle and successfully escaped from the jungle! good for her.
Annnd turns out she had the vines all up in her too.
Annnndd now it’s over
Well there we have it. Was it bad? yes. Was it a good excuse to get drunk in the middle of the day with my friends? yes. So alls well that ends well I suppose! Except for I guess all the characters in the movie. Yikes.