So after I got shitcanned while watching The Ruins, I went to see The Hunger Games later that night. This was a real misstep. I crushed several drinks at home and then smuggled a bunch of coolers into the movies because I am an adult who makes rational decisions.
I’m actually a fan of these books and my friend Rachel and I have been discussing the movies release for weeks beforehand, most recently in a series of drunken text messages (“Fucking Barf !!!”- Rachel on the subject of Josh Hutcherson being cast in the movie) so I was pretty jazzed up. For those of you not familiar with the movie, it’s essentially Battle Royale but less Japanese and with an actual coherent plot. I’m also very pleased that the main character is a strong female. She might not be the most perfect feminist icon, but she is certainly helping undo the damage that Bella Swann has unleashed on the female population.
So assuming you all haven’t been in a bunker for the past 3 months, I’m sure you all know the plot of this thing. and if you don’t then you are bad and you should feel bad.
The movie opens on the best day of the year: when the capitol sends an escort to draw names for the contenders in the games from that district. Pretty much the worst reason to get out of school that day. My main bitch Katniss is hanging out in the woods with her hunting buddy Gale talking about the reaping and how much it sucks balls.
So they gather everyone up and pull names out of a bowl and the lucky winners get called out. The main character, Katniss’ little sister Primrose (I can’t even with the names in this franchise) gets picked, and since she’s like 12 and pretty scrawny, she’s clearly going to die almost instantly. Katniss feels pretty upset about this and volunteers to go in her place,super great big sister right?!
The other lucky duck chosen from the district is Peeta (I forever and always read that name in Peter Griffins voice when he’s pretending to be a Chinese man) and I have got to say, the look on his face was pretty hilarious when he gets chosen.
This dude has 2 older brothers and neither of them say anything. They just let him walk up to the stage looking like the goon he is. He also has a very tragic haircut so it makes the whole scenario even more grim. If I was him I would walk up to the stage backwards while flipping everyone off. This scenario made me realize that I need to start kissing up to my friends and family in case we’re ever in some sort of post apocalyptic wasteland where fighting to the death is a yearly occurrence. So if anyone needs help moving or a ride to the airport call me! And then remember that act of kindness when I’m getting marched to my death and you have a chance to jump in.
So after this they get shuttled off on a train to head to the capitol where they will be more sufficiently prepped for the games. Once aboard, they meet their mentor, a former winner named Haymitch (forever read in a sassy gay mans voice calling his friend Mitch) He is drunk and disheveled and also Woody Harrelson. Haymitch is basically my spirit animal.
After they show up at the capitol, they get prepped for a TV interview with the master of ceremonies/exposition: Caesar Flickerman. Katniss’ prep team is led by Lenny Kravitz, who I might add is looking extremely bangable. I noticed this earlier when I got stoned and watched Precious, but that’s a story for another time. I have no idea who Peetas prep team was but they threw him in some suit and did his hair extremely terribly. So the two of them do interviews and while they’re waiting we meet some of the other tributes from other districts. Only about 8 of them have names so we assume the others will die horribly in a few scenes. During Peetas interview, Caeser is all “so, do you have a girlfriend or what?” and Peetas like “nope, but I have a crush on a girl but jokes on me because it’s Katniss” and everyones all “awwwww” Katniss is pretty choked because she thinks he’s just making it up to get sympathy. She expresses this by trying to choke him out.
My main problem with this is what was Peeta planning on doing if Caeser didn’t ask if he has a girlfriend? Would he just go out on stage and blurt out that he loves Katniss? I hope so! Everyone tells Katniss to roll with it because it makes them more likeable and you know what they say “if you can’t be with the one you love, pretend you’re in love with some other dude so that people will root for you to survive in a death match”
Later on they make up and Peeta is all “I don’t want to be a pawn in their game, bla bla” It was touching(?) but I was extremely drunk at this point and telling the friends I went with that he was super foxy and could get it. I want to add that this was before I learned that he’s only 19 years old, but even though I now know he’s a child, he could still get it. So Josh, if you’re reading this, I will totally sign your permission slip, help you with your science project and buy you booze. Just keep it in mind.
A training montage follows which was unfortunately NOT set to 1980’s “lets get stuff done” music, but it did show a lot more of the kids who are competing. 2 of the districts have tributes called “careers” because they spend literally their entire lives training for this frigging thing. That’s so grim and vaguely North Korean-esque. They are super scary though and could probably easily murder me.
So everyone is showcasing their talents, Katniss is a stellar archer and Peeta is good at umm throwing things around and camouflage since back at home he used to decorate cakes at the bakery his family owns. He’s not great.
They then have a chance to show off their skills to the head gamemaker (aka the dude who controls the arena they will be killing each other in) and some other random people who I’m sure are important. The head gamemaker is named Seneca (seriously) and he’s played by that kid in American Beauty that loved trash. Remember that guy? Where the eff has he been for the past decade? Anyways, he has a pretty rocking beard which was clearly the star of the entire movie.
Katniss impresses them by shooting an apple out of a pigs mouth with an arrow (so cool!) and Peeta impresses them by I guess throwing stuff (oh jeez) Later on, the team is waiting for the results and Katniss gets an 11 and everyone is super impressed. I’m more impressed that Peeta got an 8 considering his skills lie in baking bread, and walking around with his mouth hanging open.
FINALLY they get to the actual titular Hunger Games! The arena is in a forest and I was so excited for some murdering action!! The first few minutes of the games is totally nuts and there’s people killing each other all over the place while trying to get to this janky metal Cornucopia that has all the sweetest weapons inside of it.
Katniss grabs a backpack (which unfortunately had no snack packs or fruit by the foot in it) and heads into the forest. A bunch of people died in the first few hours, but Katniss is all “fug that” and decides to go sleep in a tree. That night she sees a bunch of the careers walk past, and guess what guys? Peeta is totally with them! dun dun dunn
Anyways, the next day Katniss just kinda wanders around and sleeps in another tree, essentially living the dream life of Bagheera the panther. The gamemakers decide this is whack and start a frigging forest fire to flush her out. After awesomely escaping from legit balls of fire Katniss has a gross burn on her leg so she does what I do in the middle of summer when I have been cooking in the hot sun all day: run full tilt into a body of water. Unfortunately for her this ends with her getting spotted by those dickhead Careers. Also Peeta is still with them looking all kinds of dumb. They chase her up a tree and decide to wait her out like I do when I get in a fight with Matt and stupidly always retreat to the bedroom where there’s no food.
While Katniss is up in the tree poking at her gross leg burn, Hayyyyymitch sends her in some burn cream via adorable silver parachute. What a pal!
The next morning her leg is less gross but she’s still stuck in the tree. Another tribute, Rue (more acceptable name since Rue McClanahan is fabulous) is in the neighouring tree and motions to a wasps nest above Katniss. This is explained to us, the audience, through what I thought was a pretty good framing device of Caesar Flickerman and some other distractingly weird looking dude giving play by play action of the games. They tell us that they aren’t just wasps, but something called Tracker Jackers which will chase you for frigging ever. oh and their venom makes you hallucinate and/or die. Neat. If I wasn’t already convinced wasps were murder driven living bullets, now I’m 100% convinced. Katniss saws off the limb the nest is on and it smashes all over the ground causing everyone to run away. One of the Tributes, Glimmer (I know) sucks at running and gets stung a bajillion times and dies. Katniss unfortunately also got stung and she starts hallucinating while trying to gank the bow and quiver of arrows Glimmer had. She starts seeing double and going all weird, which was baffling for me because I was also seeing double. 3 Peetas (6 for me) run at her and tell her to get out of there, and she kinda stumbles away and we’re treated to a flashback scene showing Katniss’ handsome father getting smashed to death in a coal mine explosion. Pretty great, especially for my friends because I kept leaning over telling them how good looking he was. I’m not a good person, but in my defense neither are my friends because before the movie started my friend Rachel and I had a discussion that the only thing OJ Simpson really excelled at was murdering people. It’s true though, think about it. He’s a pro at murdering people.
Meanwhile Katniss has passed the eff out and Rue has helped her by treating her stings and they decide to team up. I’m sure you can see where this is going. Rue tells Katniss that the careers have stockpiled all their food and weapons back at the cornucopia, so they split up and while Rue creates a fire as a diversion, Katniss blows up the giant pile of food and weapons. It’s pretty great. Katniss hurries back and finds Rue trapped in a net. I never really got the whole net trap, it seems like it would be easy to escape from especially since in a lot of movies the nets not really attached to anything, so you could just kind of shuffle away even if the net was still on top of you. Anyways, good news is Katniss frees her from the net! Bad news is Rue instantly get stabbed with a frigging spear. Wah wahhhh. Katniss kills the kid who shot her and then in a moment that made Brianne cry so hard she needed to have one of my many purse coolers, Rue dies. Katniss is pretty upset by this and decides to cover her body with flowers. Rues district sees this act of kindness and responses the same way my province does when a team loses a hockey game: they lose their minds and riot.
The president (Donald Sutherland, who by the way I once saw in a horror movie going downtown on a girl and it has forever scarred me) is pretty mad at this big Eff you to the capitol and wants the gamemakers to off Katniss. Hayyyyyymitch convinces the gamemakers to play up the whole “star crossed lovers” angle and change the rules so that two people can win if they’re from the same district because it will give everyone hope and they’ll forget all about that whole riot business. Nothing quenches the fire of hatred like a good old fashioned “will they or wont they? Ross and Rachel situation”
This change in the rules is announced and Katniss goes on a hunt to find Peeta. She finds him, after like 30 seconds of searching, in the most horrifying scene of the movie which caused me to scream AGHHHH!! While waving my drink around. He somehow disguised himself as a frigging rock and was hiding while slowly bleeding to death from a pretty gnarly sword slash on his leg. I have no idea how he managed to accomplish this while having to deal with his injury/general stupidness. Ahh Peeta, love you. His uselessness is very endearing to me for some reason.
After hanging out in a cave, Peeta thanks Katniss for looking after him, and they reminisce over the time Peeta chucked a starving Katniss some burned bread. MEMORIES!! they kiss and snug for a bit and Katniss is totally the big spoon. Peeta’s lucky! I hate being the big spoon. But he’s not fully enjoying this because he has blood poisoning/a dumb name. An announcement is made that something each person needs will be at the cornucopia the next day so Katniss assumes it’s medicine for Peeta. She goes and almost gets her frigging head cut off by one of the other tributes but the boy from Rue’s district saves her. She manages to grab the bag meant for her district and heads back.
The medicine works and Peeta is back on his feet. Huzzah! but then after he tries to help by “going to pick some things” (for some reason this line reading made me lose my mind laughing and I had to put my head between my knees to calm down) he inadvertently kills another tribute by picking poison berries which she ate after he left them in a pile on his jacket. Oh Peeta, you are so useless it’s adorable!
The game makers decide this is taking for fucking ever (much like this blog) and send in a bunch of mutant dogs to speed it up. After wandering around in the dark for a bit, Peeta gets jumped on by one. (PEEEEETAA!! – Brianne upon seeing this) and Katniss saves him. They run to the cornucopia and the last remaining opponent is there and he has, of course, gone insane. After rambling on about how he’s dead already (tell me about it) Katniss shoots him and he falls to the ground to be mauled to death by the dogs. Oh I love a happy ending!
Peeta and Katniss are left and they’re all “what the hell is the hold up” until an announcement says the previous announcement of two victors has been repealed and much like the Highlander, there can only be one. What a bunch of dicks! Peetas like “I’m the most useless person in this franchise, you can kill me” and Katniss is like “Bro! lets eat these poison berries together and the capital can then suck our respective dicks!” and Peetas like “uh. ok” They then prepare to eat the berries but Peeta pauses for a second to touch Katniss’ braid. I’m serious. It’s really weird. He’s just like HOLD THE FUCK UP DID YOU BRAID THIS YOURSELF?
Then the capitol is like PYSCH! You both won!
They go back to District 12 and everyones like “yay!” except Gale who’s like “fuck! I wanted to kiss Katniss and touch her braid!” and President Donald is like “You in danger gurrl!” THE END.
So pretty solid, I thought. I will definitely get drunk and go see the next one when it comes out. I also asked Matt how long he thought I would survive in a Hunger Games/Battle Royale situation and he said “minutes” So maybe I should focus my attention less on getting drunk at PG movies, and more on the deadly art of archery and/or cake decorating.