I am a book snob. I am snobby about books. I own this, and I’m not ashamed of it. I also like to read trashy novels from time to time because really when you get down to it, books are just a form of entertainment and sometimes you don’t want to watch a documentary about Darfur, you want to watch two girls rip each others weaves out. So sometimes I read bad books. I recently read Sweet Valley High: 10 years later, and I regret nothing. It was a fantastic book.
I cannot abide certain books however. This book is one of them. The story of how this novel came to be blows my effing mind because it is just so ridiculous.
Some of you may not be familiar with this book series, but it is currently blowing up and people won’t shut the fuck up about it. It’s an erotic novel that is being called “mommy porn” because apparently it is rejuvenating people’s love lives. This is the bleakest thing I have ever heard. If you need a poorly written novel to spice up your love life, you should probably just throw in the towel. I don’t have a problem with smutty novels, but they know what they are. This book is apparently being touted as the best erotic book in years.
What a lot of people don’t know about this book is that it was originally written as Fan Fiction. More specifically, Twilight fan fiction. It was titled “Master of the Universe” despite having nothing to do with He Man.
The plot of the fiction was Bella and Edward in an alternate universe, where Bella was a college student and Edward was I guess still Edward but just super rich? I have no idea. Anyways, she becomes his submissive and they do all sorts of weird sexy things to each other, usually having to do with Bella being dumb as hell and getting bossed around by Edward. So not too far from the source material.
For some reason the middle-aged housewife who wrote this book (creepy) decided to try to publish it using an actual name (EL James) and not her pen name:
And no, I am not kidding you with that. If you go pick up a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and look on the copy-write page, it is right there.
She also decided to go ahead and change the characters names so she wouldn’t get sued. So she changed Bella Swann to Anastasia Steele (I’m serious) and Edward Cullen to Christian Grey (yup.) and some other minor changes were done as well. Then it somehow sold like a bajillion copies and I almost hung myself.
This book wouldn’t be so offensive to me if it was just a run of the mill smutty novel, but it is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. I know my blog has spelling mistakes but I’m a one man show and most of the time I’m 3 drinks deep when I’m writing. I call it “Hemingway-ing” This woman had, I assume at least one proof reader and it went to press with these stupid mistakes all over it. Case in point:
She’s wearing chucks. Idly I wonder what she’d look like in skyscraper heels. Laboutins [sic]…nothing but Laboutins [sic].
First of all, I assume by “chucks” they mean Chuck Taylors. So that should probably be capitalized. Second of all. LABOUTINS.
Also, the main character is supposed to be in college but she is the dumbest, most naive idiot ever. Her reaction to a lot of things is “jeez” If your book is marketed towards adults, you should probably go ahead and make sure “jeez” is not in them. The character Christian Grey also uses the term “Fair point well made” THIS IS NOT A SAYING. It makes me irrationally angry. There is also a baffling amount of ellipses. It’s really quite something.
But the most offensive thing about this book isn’t the structure, it’s the actual content. As it is a “racy” book, there is a lot of boning in it. Like an absurd amount of boning. It’s supposed to be really scandalous and really into the whole BDSM scene, but as far as I can tell it’s less of a mutual understanding between two people and more of a Christian being really weird and controlling over a really stupid girl who is obsessed with him. Fun Fact: Anastasia has an orgasm after using Christians toothbrush because she’s so “close to him”
And when I say using, I mean literally using it to brush her teeth. She’s not like, slapping herself in the vagina with it or anything. I live with a boy and I have accidentally used his toothbrush many times. It’s not sexy.
I have not read this book, I need to make that clear. But because it was originally a poorly conceived fan fiction, there’s still traces of its original self floating around the internet. That I have read. I am not proud. There is also an amazing tumblr dedicated to making fun of it called 50 Shades of suck.
If you still think this book sounds good then feast your eyes on this excerpt from it. Make sure you aren’t wearing a monocle because it will definitely fall off your face while you’re reading it.
His breathing is ragged, matching mine.
“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.
“Err. yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.
“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.
“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string. what! And. a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all. Jeez. And then he’s inside me. ah! Skin against skin. moving slowly at first. easily, testing me, pushing me. oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony. his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm – in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me. oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.
“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to send me flying, flying high.
Whoa. and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer.
“Oh, Ana!” His breathing is ragged in my ear, in perfect synergy with mine. “Oh, baby, will I ever get enough of you?” he whispers.
CAN HE SMELL HER PERIOD?? IS HE A BEAR?!?!? Matt can tell when I’m getting my period but it’s usually because I have a full meltdown after not being able to open a bag of chips, or I burst out crying at a Purina commercial.
So there we have it. That is in a book that was written by this woman.
Like all godless heathens living out-of-wedlock, I like to get weird sometimes but even that was too much for me. You will notice that there was two “jeez” uses in that small section. Now that you know the horrors contained within this book (with a basic bitch cover I might add) you can now join me in screaming internally whenever you see someone reading it. I almost broke my damn neck the other day when I walked past a bookstore and saw a huge display of these monstrosities. I said “these” because somehow there are 3 books.
That’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that the movie rights for this piece of horse shit have been bought for 5 million dollars. I have had sex dreams that were better than this book (both months apart involving Darryl from The Walking Dead. I think there’s something wrong with my brain) I should have written those down and changed our names to something ridiculous. Though I guess Rigby is already a bit of a stretch. I could change it to like, Riley Platinum or Rebecca von Beautiful. BEST SELLER.