50 Shades of OH MY GOD THIS BOOK IS TERRIBLE

I am a book snob. I am snobby about books. I own this, and I’m not ashamed of it.  I also like to read trashy novels from time to time because really when you get down to it, books are just a form of entertainment and sometimes you don’t want to watch a documentary about Darfur, you want to watch two girls rip each others weaves out. So sometimes I read bad books. I recently read Sweet Valley High: 10 years later, and I regret nothing. It was a fantastic book.

I cannot abide certain books however. This book is one of them. The story of how this novel came to be blows my effing mind because it is just so ridiculous.

Some of you may not be familiar with this book series, but it is currently blowing up and people won’t shut the fuck up about it. It’s an erotic novel that is being called “mommy porn” because apparently it is rejuvenating people’s love lives. This is the bleakest thing I have ever heard. If you need a poorly written novel to spice up your love life, you should probably just throw in the towel. I don’t have a problem with smutty novels, but they know what they are. This book is apparently being touted as the best erotic book in years.

What a lot of people don’t know about this book is that it was originally written as Fan Fiction. More specifically, Twilight fan fiction. It was titled “Master of the Universe” despite having nothing to do with He Man.

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

The plot of the fiction was Bella and Edward in an alternate universe, where Bella was a college student and Edward was I guess still Edward but just super rich? I have no idea. Anyways, she becomes his submissive and they do all sorts of weird sexy things to each other, usually having to do with Bella being dumb as hell and getting bossed around by Edward. So not too far from the source material.

For some reason the middle-aged housewife who wrote this book (creepy) decided to try to publish it using an actual name (EL James) and not her pen name:

“Snowqueens Icedragon”

And no, I am not kidding you with that. If you go pick up a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and look on the copy-write page, it is right there.

The author, hard at work.

She also decided to go ahead and change the characters names so she wouldn’t get sued. So she changed Bella Swann to Anastasia Steele (I’m serious) and Edward Cullen to Christian Grey (yup.) and some other minor changes were done as well. Then it somehow sold like a bajillion copies and I almost hung myself.

this was pre-crudely MS painted for me! Thanks internet!!

This book wouldn’t be so offensive to me if it was just a run of the mill smutty novel, but it is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. I know my blog has spelling mistakes  but I’m a one man show and most of the time I’m 3 drinks deep when I’m writing. I call it “Hemingway-ing”  This woman had, I assume at least one proof reader and it went to press with these stupid mistakes all over it. Case in point:

She’s wearing chucks. Idly I wonder what she’d look like in skyscraper heels. Laboutins [sic]…nothing but Laboutins [sic].

First of all, I assume by “chucks” they mean Chuck Taylors. So that should probably be capitalized. Second of all. LABOUTINS.

“Anastasia, pass me the Sqny batteries for me to put in this weird butt vibrator I’m going to use on you”

 

Also, the main character is supposed to be in college but she is the dumbest, most naive idiot ever. Her reaction to a lot of things is “jeez” If your book is marketed towards adults, you should probably go ahead and make sure “jeez” is not in them.  The character Christian Grey also uses the term “Fair point well made” THIS IS NOT A SAYING. It makes me irrationally angry. There is also a baffling amount of ellipses.  It’s really quite something.

Seriously. Final Fantasy dialogue boxes have less ellipses than this shit.

But the most offensive thing about this book isn’t the structure, it’s the actual content.  As it is a “racy” book, there is a lot of boning in it. Like an absurd amount of boning. It’s supposed to be really scandalous and really into the whole BDSM scene, but as far as I can tell it’s less of a mutual understanding between two people and more of a Christian being really weird and controlling over a really stupid girl who is obsessed with him. Fun Fact: Anastasia has an orgasm after using Christians toothbrush because she’s so “close to him”

And when I say using, I mean literally using it to brush her teeth. She’s not like, slapping herself in the vagina with it or anything. I live with a boy and I have accidentally used his toothbrush many times. It’s not sexy.

EROTIC

I have not read this book, I need to make that clear. But because it was originally a poorly conceived fan fiction, there’s still traces of its original self floating around the internet.  That I have read. I am not proud. There is also an amazing tumblr dedicated to making fun of it called 50 Shades of suck.

If you still think this book sounds good then feast your eyes on this excerpt from it. Make sure you aren’t wearing a monocle because it will definitely fall off your face while you’re reading it.

His breathing is ragged, matching mine.

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err. yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string. what! And. a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all. Jeez. And then he’s inside me. ah! Skin against skin. moving slowly at first. easily, testing me, pushing me. oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony. his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm – in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me. oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to send me flying, flying high.

Whoa. and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer.

“Oh, Ana!” His breathing is ragged in my ear, in perfect synergy with mine. “Oh, baby, will I ever get enough of you?” he whispers.

CAN HE SMELL HER PERIOD?? IS HE A BEAR?!?!? Matt can tell when I’m getting my period but it’s usually because I have a full meltdown after not being able to open a bag of chips, or I burst out crying at a Purina commercial.

 

So there we have it. That is in a book that was written by this woman.

Robbed of Peoples Sexiest person award to be honest.

Like all godless heathens living out-of-wedlock, I like to get weird sometimes but even that was too much for me. You will notice that there was two “jeez” uses in that small section. Now that you know the horrors contained within this book (with a basic bitch cover I might add) you can now join me in screaming internally whenever you see someone reading it. I almost broke my damn neck the other day when I walked past a bookstore and saw a huge display of these monstrosities. I said “these” because somehow there are 3 books.

Why.

That’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that the movie rights for this piece of horse shit have been bought for 5 million dollars. I have had sex dreams that were better than this book (both months apart involving Darryl from The Walking Dead. I think there’s something wrong with my brain) I should have written those down and changed our names to something ridiculous. Though I guess Rigby is already a bit of a stretch. I could change it to like, Riley Platinum or Rebecca von Beautiful. BEST SELLER.

 

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9 Responses to “50 Shades of OH MY GOD THIS BOOK IS TERRIBLE”


  1. 1 Amy May 21, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Okay. I downloaded all 3 “books” in a bundle because people were going so nuts about ’em on TV about it (no one I know would admit to even thinking about it.) The first two read like horrible fanfiction… I haven’t read fanfiction since high school, and that was 10 years ago, and it was always about some horrible anime series I happened to be watching. This brought it all back. Even as a teenager, I would refuse to read things like this.

    As someone in their late 20’s, I learned quite a bit about butt plugs and safe words. If someone hurts me in bed, I don’t need to remember “mustard.” I bean them in the head and tell them to back the hell up.

    I’m not saying I have fully read the first two. I used my e-reader to fast-forward through at least 35 sex scenes in each book- even if it was a sensual and not sadistic moment. In reality, anyone having this much sex would definitely not enjoy it. Plus, they meet, “date,” and get married within maybe 2 months. If this thing ended like “American Psycho,” it would be more believable.

    I have had the third book on my e-reader for two weeks now (I usually take a day or two). The only thing this series has done is firmly cement my decision not to have kids yet, because if this is “Mommy Porn,” then it means half of my brain cells go to the kid during birth. Good God. Read Charlaine Harris’s stuff for good, wholesome sex crap.

    p.s. Tom Cruise’s cousin from “The Vampire Diaries” wants to be Christian Grey. BARF. Let’s make it Mel Gibson so we can all be a winner. They should pass bottles of Maker’s Mark to each theatre patron too. I want to earn my $45 dollars for going to see a horseshit movie.

  2. 2 Natasha Louis May 26, 2012 at 9:42 am

    i just want to say i absolutely love you. and if you’re ever looking for a twin, i’m it. keep rocking the fuck out.

  3. 3 Jenna May 31, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    I don’t even know what to say other than I had the best laugh reading this entry and posted a bunch of it on my Facebook (I hope you don’t mind). I haven’t read this mess yet, but I’m sure I will, because my fellow book snob and I love to read this crap and then complain about it. We did the same with that disaster known as Twilight. I hatefully refer to it as “the same ten adjectives for describing how beautiful stupid Edward is repeated over and over and over again”, and apparently this junk is the same way.

    I’m afraid to read it because shit like this just enrages me and I want to hit everyone who thinks that it’s great literature. The world is going to hell.

  4. 4 K July 5, 2012 at 9:57 am

    It should be peddled as a weight loss book. Every time I read “my inner goddess”, I threw up a little in my mouth. By the end of the book I’d lost 3 lbs.

    • 5 HEIDI THE GREAT July 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm

      DITTO DITTO DITTO. My inner goddess, Oh My! What the hell. I was so angry at myself for finishing the book, but I have this rule you know. God it was awful and there was no sense in getting book 2 or 3 and putting money in this author’s pocket. I hope she spends her money on going back to college and taking some grammer, writing and who knows what courses. A God awful, immaturely written book!

  5. 6 Janet December 13, 2012 at 12:36 am

    I’ve read the books and seriously,its uhm,you know….
    MY inner godess,”The worst three days of our lives”(See what I did there?). The only way I would go see the movie is if they made it a comedy,cos its so bad it laughable!The Oh jeez-es,the oh my’s,the mutterings,the mumurings,worst book ever!

  6. 7 Ayanna March 20, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Book snob= uppity high horse, never has gotten laid or knows what sex or fetishes or fantasy are. Probably has never been turned on. Also= having a spiked dildo up a period having pussy the whole time. I see book snobs as constantly angry people.

    I loved the series. I have a high sex drive and ADHD which means it can easily be set off….most women can get off easier by reading dirty smut. There were plenty of times I had to touch myself after. I found the inner Goddess thing adorable and cute. We all have one.

    Inner Goddess is just as the book described. it’s the inner thoughts and feelings of your angel/ conscience side.

    • 8 rigsamarole February 12, 2014 at 12:52 pm

      Well Chubbypuppy (if that is your real name) I am VERY aware on what fetishes are. My main grief with this entire book series is that it doesn’t properly explore the Dom/sub relationship, and it romanticizes a very abusive relationship. I LOVED the part of the book where Christian screams at Anastasia for forgetting to take her birth control pills, remember that? the pills that he made her take to begin with? because he owns her reproductive system? boy those were fun sexy times weren’t they?

      That entire book series is detrimental to every single demographic. It glorifies an abusive relationship, It’s written extremely poorly, and The characters are horribly one dimensional. I could go on, but I feel I already covered most of these points in my review.

      also, you are totally right about book snobs. We all have spiked dildos up our period having pussies. Even the men.

  7. 9 Ayanna March 20, 2013 at 10:13 am

    I feel you will probably not post my comment because you come off as the type who only wants to be surrounded by positive and agreeing comments.


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