So I saw The Avengers. I know I’m going to get huge internet flack for this but it was ok. It was a superhero movie. I think everyone around me worked it up to be soooo great that I was kinda meh when I saw it. But I might not have the best taste in movies because recently I watched the entirety of the movie Charlie St Cloud, and totally cried at it! I’m ashamed of myself. I’m just a sucker for Zac Efron and his floppy hair and pillowy lips.
Plus, to be honest, The Avengers are already kind of a B Squad in my eyes (not as terrible as The Fantastic Four) but I saw it and here we are.
I know that everyone else that has seen this movie has been waging war within themselves to answer the question that has plagued humanity for many years: which one is the best? well fear not, because I am here to answer that question. I will be rating The Avengers on different subjects. General Usefulness, and Style/Bangability. I’m not rating Nick Fury because he has an eyepatch and would therefore sweep all the awards. So let’s do this thang.
Steve Rogers aka Captain America
Steve Rogers is super vanilla. He’s just too good, it’s irritating. As far as usefulness goes, if my recollection of the movie Captain America serves me right, he seems to be very good at punching fake Hitlers in USO shows.
As far as fighting goes, he seems to have a handgun and a shield that he just throws at people and after smashing their faces in, it flies back to him like some patriotic boomerang. Plus one time he rode around on a motorcycle. His usefulness in The Avengers movie seems to go as far as not understanding various pop culture references, so I guess comic relief? 4/5
Like I previously said, he doesn’t understand pop culture references. This is a huge roadblock for me. I need someone who, ideally understands 90% of my pop culture references. I will accept 50% though since not everyone can be as fantastic as me. I feel like Steve would get maybe 15% and that’s if I really limit myself to jokes about things that happened in the 40’s.
This man can fill out a tight fitting T Shirt, and he does have a very pleasing face. I am Canadian though, so I think I might be committing treason if I let him near my bathing suit area. There’s also the problem of him being unable to get drunk. After whatever the hell science thingy happened to him, something to do with cells or some other science jargon made him unable to get drunk. I can’t be with a man who can’t get drunk with me and laugh at my fabulous pop culture references. 3/5
Bruce Banner aka The Incredible Hulk.
First of all, is he really that incredible? I’m here to ask the hard hitting questions. Bruce Banner is pretty useful because he’s a doctor of some sort and is very good at saying impressive sounding science words. I appreciate this. The Incredible Hulk is useful but only in certain situations. In a crowded bus: terrible. In an open field full of scary as hell Canadian Geese: super useful. Fighting the Cloverfied monster: Awesome! Maternity ward: THE WORST.
Bruce Banner is pretty useful as long as he doesn’t freak the fuck out. He’s a scientist who is at least halfway good at his job, because as far as we know just that one experiment went wrong, and really which of us haven’t screwed up on the job at least once. 3/5
The man looks great in a purple shirt. I was a little sad that they didn’t put him in purple pants but I guess I can’t get everything I want. He also seems to have a bit of salt and pepper hair going on, which I LOVE. But knowing my luck, we would be making out and then BAM he hulks out and there goes my face.
After discussing this blog with my friend Chantalle, she has expressed anger towards my rating The Hulk so low. She brought up several good points and emailed me a photo of Mark Ruffalo titled “futurehusband.jpg” so I’m going to bump his mark up a bit. Also, we’re trying to get the term “MRuff” going so spread that around. 3.5/5
Thor aka…umm, Thor I guess.
Thor is hella useful! Dude is really good at fighting, and he has that crazy ass hammer that flys to him when he needs it and I think if he spins it really fast he can fly? or maybe he can fly without the hammer? I asked Matt and he said “I don’t know or care” so there’s that. I also bet Thor would listen to his girlfriends questions about him if she was trying to write a blog about him. Anyways, he’s pretty great and even without the hammer he has crazy pipes and is good at punching.
He’s kind of dumb though and seems to constantly be concerned about honour, which is a bit of downer. LOOSEN UP THOR. 4/5
The man looks flawless in a cape, I think we can all agree on that. He also has a great head of hair that I really want to braid. Plus he has a great booty, which opens up a lot of opportunities to make jokes about ASSgard. Well…I guess just that one joke.
Anyways, the constant talk about honour that I mentioned earlier would really put a damper on my wanting to date/bang Thor. Since I am classless idiot, I think he would probably lecture me a lot. “Don’t drink so much mead in the morning” he would say. “Put more appropriate garments on when leaving the home, not these shabby denim cut offs” he will say. ugh, Thor is really harshing my buzz. But on the other hand, DAT ASS. 5/5
4. Clint Barton aka Hawkeye
I feel pretty bad for Hawkeye actually. Homeboy is hanging out with a bunch of super dudes that can change into monsters or throw giant hammers into peoples faces, and he’s pretty good with a bow and arrow. I think he’s good at hand to hand combat too but I’m pretty much throwing the guy a bone with that one. In the Avengers movie SPOILER ALERT he spends most of it under the spell of Thors dickish brother Loki, but he somehow manages to blow up half an airship with one arrow so that was pretty impressive. But other than that he’s pretty meh. 2/5
I actually had a sexy dream about Hawkeye before I even saw this movie, so I guess marketing works. I do appreciate that they didn’t go with the comic version of Hawkeye and his super fruity purple get up.
Plus Jeremy Renner himself is pretty generic looking. Try to describe him to someone, seriously. It’s impossible. I tried once and all I could get out was that he has short brown hair and a squishy face. My brother refers to any actor with brown hair as Jeremy Renner. But since I did have a sex dream about him, my subconscious must know something I don’t, so I’m giving him high marks 5/5
5. Tony Stark aka Iron Man
Tony Stark is fucking super rich, super smart and has a metal suit that he can fly around in. I feel that pretty much says it all. He does, however, have that weird thingy in his chest that is stopping metal shit from flying into his heart or something? so that’s a bit of a downer. Theoretically he could be taken down a tall dog jumping up on his chest. Steer clear of great danes Tony! I do routinely get scared of the dark after reading scary stories, so his night light chest could come in handy.
As I mentioned, he is super smart and actually made all his suits himself which is pretty impressive, especially to me because I forget almost daily which input my TV needs to be on to hook my computer to it. I JUST WANT TO WATCH NETFLIX, HELP A BROTHER OUT. 5/5
Tony Stark is very stylish because he is very rich. I do not find him bangable at all though and I will tell you why. Smarm. Tony Stark is extremely smarmy and I can’t stand that. I can only handle like 15 minutes of his inane back and forth schtick that he does before I snap and lose it. Smug and smarm are the worst character traits ever. He also has a goatee so I just..I just can’t. He is rich though, and I do have bills to pay so I’ll have to give him that. 1/5
Natasha Romanoff aka Black Widow
Black Widow is useful in several ways, she fills the quota of token female quite well and on top of that she’s actually pretty bad ass. She is apparently a spy and Russian, so I have to give her that. Although in The Avengers she managed to get the goods out of the bad guy by pretending to cry while he talked about how he was going to kill Hawkeye. I don’t really know how to feel about that. She did kick the shit out of Hawkeye later which I enjoyed immensely. 3/5
Clearly this broad is extremely bangable. She’s got that frigging catsuit going on, and it’s top notch. I’m going to have to give it to her for being a sexy redhead, much like myself
So Natasha gets tops marks for being foxy as hell and also having a pretty great name. 5/5
So here we are at the end of this extremely scientific report. I know you are all dying to find out who the best Avenger is. Well I have tallied the votes and the winner is:
I can’t help myself, I just really enjoy Thor. He’s dumb as hell but he would be a great time at parties and if you needed to take down some drywall really quickly. For those of you who are undoubtedly enraged at my opinion, I apologize and feel free to tell me what an idiot I am in the comments. Oh, and you should probably follow me on twitter (@Rigbot) because I’m that guy who self promotes. DEAL WITH IT.