Like many of you poor unfortunate souls (holla to my guuurl Ursula) I work in an office. This does have several advantages such as gifts of free booze and candy from other companies around Christmas time, and the occasional day when you do around 45 minutes of actual work and spend the rest of the day wheeling around on your chair and making personal phone calls. There is a dark side to working in an office though, and I’m not talking about having to listen to a recap of last nights The Biggest Loser, I’m talking about the radio.
I used to like new music when I was a teenager, but now that I’m an old bitter bitch I very rarely like any of the music played on the radio. It’s often a baffling ordeal for me. I’m getting old and I hate it. (Who the hell are One Direction and where did they come from) But this isn’t about some stranger bitch version of Take That whose stupid hit song always makes me think it’s Summer Lovin’ from Grease when it starts, this is about a group far more offensive to my eyes, ears and probably nose if I got close enough to smell them.
I’m talking about LMFAO. They have been in my peripherals for a while but only once I started listening to the radio was I fully immersed in their awfulness. By my count they only have 2 actual songs. They might have more, but if they do they all sound the same as the original 2. These 2 songs are played nonstop on the radio and I’m really scared that I am going to Hulk out and smash the hell out of that radio one of these days. Hopefully my bright purple work pants rip into shorts when this happens.
I feel this photo of Jon Hamm meeting one of the idiots from this band sums up my feelings for them perfectly:
That’s the stuff.
First lets tackle the fact that the band is named LMFAO. This enrages me. I cannot stand when people type LMFAO or ROFL, mainly because it seems like it’s always out of touch moms that use these terms. I may not be one to judge because I have a folder on my desktop titled “Lulz” that is just full of funny pictures I find on my Internetting adventures, but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyways, they claim their band name stands for “Loving my family and others” but I call bullshit on that because that is the stupidest acronym I have ever heard, and is somehow even worse than Laughing my fucking ass off.
The two dipshits also have the most ridiculous names ever. Even Frank Zappa would think it was too much.
We have RedFoo (I can’t) and SkyFoo (even deal with this) I have no idea which is which and quite frankly I don’t care to know.
But that’s not even the worst part. One of them is 37 goddamn years old. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS??? That is super troubling. When you’re 37, you shouldnt be saying “sorry for the party rocking” you should be screaming at your college aged neighbours at 430 in the morning for keeping you up with their “party rocking” He also apparently used to be a day trader? I really hope that isn’t true and Wikipedia is just messing with me.
When I was a young miss and frequented bars, there was always this one stupid ass song by Buckcherry called Crazy Bitch. It was so terrible but whenever it came on there would always be shrieks from girls all around the bar as they hurdled towards the dancefloor to dance all sluttily while looking around to see if any guys noticed them. At the time I thought this was a great technique to filter out the normies from the crazies, and I still stand by that. I think LMFAO songs are the 2012 version of Crazy Bitch. If you see a girl dancing like a skank to that song, you need to steer clear. In saying that, I did dance to an LMFAO song with my friends a few months ago but in my defense I was hideously drunk and I’m not proud of my actions. I can also assure you I was less “dancing sluttily” and more “doing the dance Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club” I also stubbed my toe. : (
Well this is the part where I was going to post one of their music videos but frigging youtube made me sign up and bla bla bla, so here’s just a picture of my face while watching an LMFAO video
GUHHHHH that was brutal. Oh and that face is 10% reacting to the fact that there are at least a dozen videos on Youtube of teen girls dancing to that song. I am so glad I do not have a teenage daughter that has access to a webcam. Good God. All the incriminating evidence of me doing embarrassing things as a child was captured on disposable cameras and could easily be destroyed in a nice, cleansing fire, but really all I have to hide is shit like this:
The worst thing about LMFAO is that they know they are terrible. They have to. They’re like “ya, guess what? We’re rich as hell with our stupid hair and our dumb white glasses with no lenses and you are going to just all eat it up like the rabble you are” They’re essentially super villains! So that means they must be stopped by any means necessary. Is that Warehouse from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark full yet? can we stick them in there? or drop them into some sort of bottomless pit? or just shoot them in the back of the head execution style?
Who am I kidding, even in death they will continue to irritate us. They’d probably get buried in matching zebra print coffins and make the pall bearers wear bright red skinny jeans. The priest is standing there wearing a sleeveless t shirt that’s 4 sizes too small that has PARTY ROCK written on the front in pink capital letters. And then they would haunt us all with annoying spectres of death doing the dougie at the foot of our beds in the middle of the night. The horror. THE HORROR.