Magic Mike: I can’t believe no one stripped out of a wizards robe in this.

Well I did it. I went to see Magic Mike. But here’s the most shocking thing: I WAS SOBER. That’s right. I went to a movie that pretty much begs for you to be wasted while watching it, stone sober. I dropped the ball(s) (See in that joke I was referring to testicles to go with the theme of stripping, jokes are very hard to write you see)

Right Daniel?

Anyways, how I came to view this movie was a real “get in bitch, we’re going” situation. I got a text from two of my work friends (who are no doubt reading this at work) asking if I wanted to go, and that they would be at my house in 5 minutes to pick me up. My hands were tied, I was practically kidnapped!

I feel I have to mention this: the theater was fucking packed with bitches. And this was a weeknight. Single dudes need to start showing up in leather vests at showings of this movie, I guarantee you will get at least one phone number or weird hand job. Anyways, despite the movie being pretty ok, there was obviously some things they could have done that would have made it better. (Take note writers of Magic Mike 2: Quest for the jewelled penis pump)

1. MORE OF TARZAN

This was one of the best photos I could find! page 8 of google images had a picture of Jennifer Lawrence and Shredder from the Ninja Turtles Movie, so I jumped ship.

There was a lot of “sexy” men in this movie, you’ve got your Channing Tatum,  Alcide from True Blood, that one Mexican(?) dude from CSI: Miami, that guy from that god awful Beauty and the Beast remake they had a few years ago and I regretfully watched on a flight to London, Matt Bomer (who really should have legally changed his last name to boner for this film) and ughhh…McConaughey

But the real star was TARZAN! he was male stripper played by an ex Pro Wrestler, Kevin Nash to be more specific. His talent shone through in several ways:

  • BEING NAMED FUCKING TARZAN
  • Passing out after drinking too much GHB, thus moving the plot forward to allow some other dude to be a new stripper
  • Being at least 4 or 5 dance steps behind everyone else in their group dance number
  • Remaining in the background of an entire scene laying on the floor after said GHB overdose
  • BEING NAMED FUCKING TARZAN
  • Swinging from a frigging rope in one of his dances

I really feel like if I haven’t sold you on this movie already you are an idiot. I’m telling you right now, Tarzan is the true winner and I was very sad he didn’t get more screen time. He wasn’t included in any of the promotional material and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t even on the movie poster but STILL!! Look at these sweet moves:

Ahahah he has zero clue of what’s going on!! Actually the longer I look at this gif it seems like no one besides Channing Tatum has any idea of what they’re doing, or the life choices that brought them to this moment.

2. Make the dancing less impressive (to make me feel better about myself)

Tarzan aside, the dancing was extremely impressive. They were popping and locking and stepping up to the street and bringing it on and other dance movie titles!

They were getting their groove back! (I’ve never actually seen this movie, I assume it has to do with dancing? and judging by the cover….beaches?)

They had this group number that was set to It’s raining men (which seemed like it was solely for the enjoyment of the gay men in the audience) and they were busting a move all over the place. As an extremely uncoordinated white girl who can barely make it past stage 2 on Dance Dance Revolution, I found this very discouraging. Not only are these dudes much better looking than me, but they also dance better than me.  I have to go on record to say that I used to absolutely hate Channing Tatum. Friends will recall that I referred to him as a “no necked mouth breather” but after 21 Jumpstreet, I was totally sold. Why hasnt this dude been doing comedies this entire time?

SO GREAT

The Chanman (that just happened) proved his worth to me even more in this movie by gyrating his way into my heart with his amazing dance moves.  I even tried out a sexy dance move on my friend Jenna on the way to the bathroom (you’re welcome for that by the way) but it just wasn’t the same. So please, writers of Magic Mike 2 who are no doubt reading this,  make the dancing more on the level of us mere, uncoordinated mortals.

3. Make the main girl less sour

Pretty much her standard look for the entire movie.

Obviously a movie needs a love interest. I have no idea why they went with such a plain sour girl though. I don’t want to be one of those girls who harps on other girls, but I’m full of hate so I guess I am. I had no problem with how this girl looked, or even really her acting ability but the character she was playing was so extremely unpleasant I couldn’t understand why Mike wanted anything to do with her.

Well NOW I can understand why he loves her! It must be her easy smile, and her carefree lightheartedness!

She (I can’t remember her name at all) was the sister of the new stripper (I can’t remember his name either) that Mike (I can only remember his name because it was in the title of the movie) was friends with. She was super bitchy the entire time and completely overreacted at one point in the movie.

oh they look like they have a lot of fun together! those crazy kids!

SPOILER ALERT: Mike and her brother go on a bender one night and she shows up at Mikes house the next day looking for him and then spazzes the hell out when she sees him laying on the floor in a pile of his own vomit. Hear me out:  He was not on his back a la Jimi Hendrix or Jesse Pinkmans girlfriend from season 2 of Breaking Bad, he was just laying on his stomach with a teensy bit of vom laying next to him. But she totally flew off the handle and started acting like a real buzzkill.

 

Maybe I’m an awful person, but I think I would be more mad that a dude barfed on my carpet than if he was potentially choking to death. Also there was a baby pig eating some of it. This movie is weird. I feel I should also mention that one of the girls I was at the movie with had barfed into a pint glass at our last years Christmas party and it was very impressive. This dude should take lessons from her.  Seriously, she like filled it just to the brim and none of it spilled over. It’s actually pretty impressive. Kudos Jenna!

4. Less awkward small talk

….also less of that yellow shirt. NO WAIT! MORE of that yellow shirt. Like so much more of it that it just right over that stupid face of his. 

Half of the scenes I was almost convinced the actors had no idea the cameras were even rolling. I think the entire script was an afterthought because everyone involved realized they needed something in-between the dancing to give ladies in the audience time to fan themselves and clutch their pearls. I assure you, I did not get the vapours during this movie but I was very close during some of Tarzans expert dancing.

The actual movie itself kinda puttered out after a climax (see what I did there) and they just kinda awkwardly wrapped up the love story and didn’t really delve into the fact that the other dude in the movie was heading down the path of abusing drugs and using women, that Mike had given up his life savings, and that whoever sold Matthew McConaughey that yellow shirt was still at large, but who cares because the chanman and that sour chick kissed finally!!! I was definitely satisfied with the rushed ending that doesn’t really hold up to scrutiny.  It had strippers you guys. STRIPPERS WOOOOOOO

WEINERS!!!!!!

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