The worst kind of games, or; This controller is going out the fucking window.

Ever since my parents made the horrible decision to buy us a Nintendo, I have loved video games. I love watching shows about upcoming video games, I love watching trailers for new video games and I love playing them. I am, however, not very good at them. I am good at the classic sidescrolling platform games and some 3rd person games but my biggest nightmare is 1st person shooters. For those of you not as cool as me, those are the games where you can’t see the character you’re playing but just the weapon you use and occasionally the characters hand if you do a sweet judo chop or beat a man to death with a wrench.

TAKE THAT

Anyways, I think my hatred of 1st person shooters goes back to playing Wolfenstein as a child. That game, as I have mentioned previously, gave me the worst anxiety ever. I would constantly be on edge waiting for some mutant nazi to swoop in through an open door and shoot me in the eye. It was very nerve-wracking.

Several video games have enraged me through the ages but most of them are due to my inability to double jump properly or my attitude of “can’t solve a puzzle in the first minute? TO THE INTERNET!” But the types of games I’m about to discuss with you ruined my childhood and I am still convinced they were a cruel joke from game developers. I thought when I was younger that I was just really shitty at games, but turns out a lot of them were just fucking terrible.

1. Any game based on a Disney movie

hahaha oh my god, who would seriously want this?!

The games themselves weren’t any more infuriating than normal SNES games but the enraging part was the fact that you could not save your game. I’m serious. You got 5 lives and you died and went back to the start when you were through them all. No saves, nothing. If you were on level 7 and your mom called you down for dinner you had an internal struggle of whether or not to pause it or turn it off. I say it was a struggle because I, much like most children that grew up in the 90’s lived in fear of leaving an imprint on the tv screen if you paused something for too long. So you had to weigh out how long dinner would take and then decide. Also, once I was playing Aladdin and the power went out and I nearly hanged myself.

I’m going to carve a big weiner instead of my name, it’s how I roll.

Even when I was little this made me really mad because I knew that game saving technology existed.  My copy of Zelda had the ability to save three games at a time so why the hell didn’t Disney let me? it’s not like the company had a shoestring budget or anything. THEY GOT THAT MASCOT MONEY! It bothered me so much. I actually never got past level 3 of The Jungle Book because I always died before I could beat Kaa. This was before the internet so I couldn’t even look up a walkthrough. I am going to now though because it still bothers me to this day. It sickens me. To my very core. So I have now watching a youtube video on how to beat Kaa and I’m really pissed off at myself because it seems so simple but only because the physics of the game are so fucking retarded. ARGHHH KAAAAAA!!!!

2. Pretty much any video game tie in

fuck.

Remember that little mascot for 7up? that little red dot that wore sunglasses? well he had his own video game. Remember Chester Cheetah the mascot for Cheesies? well he had not one, but two video games! I actually own one of them. I have twisted my controller to the point of almost breaking it while playing that game. I have no idea how to get past level 3 and I am 26 goddamn years old.

I’m an ADULT dancing on a GROWN UP sized keyboard!! I PAY TAXES GODDAMN YOU CHESTER CHEETAH UNLOCK YOUR SECRETS TO ME

People nowadays realize that most video games based on movies, tv shows or products are going to be godawful. Just like how most movies based on video games are awful. There are some exceptions to the rule like this sweet X Files computer game my friend Jess had when we were younger and you had to find Mulder and Scully because they got kidnapped. It was amazing because they had filmed real life cut scenes so, if like us, you were prone to shoot Mulder right in the dink as soon as you found him tied up in an attic you were treated to a delightful cut scene of Scully hanging out at his funeral. It was so good.

Anyways, these games sucked and there were tons of them while the SNES was in its heyday. I have a Ren and Stimpy videogame and without a word of a lie I cannot get past the first level. I have played it as a kid, and again as an adult and I still can’t get it. I figured out a puzzle in God of War 3 that used forced perspective and various levers and pulleys but I can’t figure out how to get Ren and Stimpy out of a firehouse without getting beaten to death by a fireman. I honestly have tried to beat this thing probably over 50 times. I cannot do it. The reason is probably 50% that I’m an idiot and a spaz and 50% that these games were spewed out so quickly that they really had no playability. The selling point was based entirely on what character was on the box. I remember a friend of mine had a pink panther game for SNES and that thing was mind boggling. I have no idea what the plot was or how to beat it, you just wandered into random rooms and sometimes ended up on a movie set or in the wild west, it was baffling.

Oh ya, and he was tiny I guess? ugh.

I’m convinced the reason any of these games sold at all was because the only way we could really tell whether or not a game was good was from word of mouth or I guess Nintendo Power magazine so we didn’t know what to buy and what to spit on as we passed by it at Zellers. It was a real leap of faith, and most of the time ended with a real turd of a game.

 

3. Any game that gave you a one screen ending

I WONN GAM!!!!

SNES games were hard, they were really, really hard. Because they were so difficult it was a huge deal if someone beat one. I remember when my brother beat Super Mario World and I almost had a heart attack from freaking out so much and my throat was sore from my constant yelling of “HIT HIM HIT HIM OH MY GAWWWDDDD” And when he finally beat Bowser we celebrated with highfives and jumping up and down. If it was in a movie it would be in slowmotion with fireworks shooting around us. It was a magical moment. Our triumph was rewarded with a pretty lame screen of Mario, Luigi and Princess Peach hanging out with Yoshi and various different coloured Yoshis under a tree and a bunch of letters in the sky saying “Thanks Mario!” or something like that. It was actually not a bad end screen by SNES standards. The worst was when you beat a game and were treated to a black screen that said “Good job, you beat the game” or the very rare,but completely abhorred by nature end screen which told you that yea, you passed the game but try it again on hard you loser.

These games would make you lose your entire mind, I had several nervous breakdowns before I reached the age of 14 and I blame them all on these fucking types of games I just spent the last 1300 words talking about, and then when I finally manage to SOMEHOW beat the odds and fluke my way into beating the final boss I get a thanks. THAT’S IT?!? I don’t know what I expected from pixels, but maybe a thanks doesn’t seem to cut it. CONGLATURATION INDEED.

Though I guess it’s better than this game over screen.

 

 

 

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2 Responses to “The worst kind of games, or; This controller is going out the fucking window.”


  1. 1 Ashli September 19, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    THAT F*CKING PINK PANTHER GAME HOLY SHIT. I am seething with rage just thinking about it.

    I went and tried to play it a few years ago, thinking maybe I was just a dumb little kid, but it still makes no sense. Maybe I’m just a dumb 26 year old – I don’t know. God damn it I hate that game.


  1. 1 TurboBit Trackback on October 5, 2012 at 7:18 am

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