Bait: If you watch one movie this year about digital sharks eating Australians in a grocery store, let it be this one.

So this movie has a lot going for it, digital sharks, a natural disaster and people dying in hilarious ways.  I feel like this movie was essentially made for me and I’m a little mad at myself for not watching it sooner. I vaguely remember hearing about it but it somehow fell completely off my radar until a few days ago. I recently watched The Loved Ones (which is a legit flawless masterpiece that everyone should watch) and I was like “hmm I can’t tell if the dude in this is babely, or if it’s just because I’ve been staring at him for the past hour and a half” this happens to me a lot, It’s like a weird movie version of Stockholm Syndrome. The worst was when I watched all the Transformers movies and convinced myself I was in love with Shia Labeouf. It was a dark time for me.

Anyways, I IMDB’d the dude and after a brief mix up where I thought his name was Samuel Xavier and not Xavier Samuel because I might have brain damage, I discovered I was indeed correct in my handsomeness assessment and I also found a link to this little gem. Clearly it was a sign from God to watch this movie. Though he was also in a Twilight movie which is very unfortunate, but you can’t blame a bitch for trying to make a buck, so I’m trying to not judge him too harshly.

Oh honey no.

So the premise of this movie is as follows:

 A freak tsunami traps shoppers at a coastal Australian supermarket inside the building – along with a 12-foot Great White Shark.

That’s it. That’s the whole synopsis. I had to get that from IMDB because this movie doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. That is troubling considering Wikipedia contains articles about The Numa Numa guy, a comprehensive list of various deaths that have occurred at Disneyland, and Adolf Hitlers dog.

So the movie starts off with my main man Xavier sleeping in  a car on a beach. Seems legit. His girlfriends brother comes up, gives him a jar full of some mystery liquid which is apparently a hangover cure because they got wasted last night at his bachelor party and they are now going to their jobs as lifeguards. That was a lot of exposition to cram into a minute and a half but they did it.  Two things: Why would you have a bachelor party when you have to work the next day. Second thing: WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JAR??? I swear I saw a fucking fish swimming around in there, and Xavier is all like SURE I’LL DRINK IT. Motherfucker you are really dumb. For real.

IS THAT A FUCKING SEA ANEMONE??? WHY WOULD YOU DRINK THAT?!

Anyways, whatever that mystical Australian hangover cure was, it didn’t work very well because minutes later dude gets eaten by a shark while Xavier is making out with his sister on the beach.  GREAT LIFEGUARDING.

One year later, Xavier is pretty bummed out that his girlfriends brother got eaten by a shark in front of him and I assume he’s also pretty sad that his friend died without telling him what the fuck was in that jar. Oh also, his girlfriend left him. Probably because she couldn’t deal with his impulsion to drink random things out of jars.

He works at a supermarket and on the walk to work he sees a dog acting weird and some birds flying around (FORESHADOWING) and he reacts to them the same way he reacts to literally everything else in the movie: with a look of mild annoyance.

ACTING

While he’s stocking shelves we get introduced to like 6 different fucking characters. There’s cop, cops daughter, employee the cops daughter is banging,some kind of Asian store manager, other girl who works at the store, 2 idiots in a car with their stupid dog, and Christian Troy from Nip/Tuck who is there to rob the store. I don’t know who the fuck plans to rob a grocery store in the middle of the day but here we are. Xavier also runs into his ex fiance who moved to Singapore for a year after they broke up and BING BONG she totally has a new boyfriend! what do you say about that Xavier?

….ok.

So while Xavier is looking stupid, an actual action scene was occurring in which Christian Troy and his cohort were robbing the store but then got interrupted by a fucking TSUNAMI.

A DIGITAL TSUNAMI! THE WORST KIND.

So shit really went sideways, and everyone’s kinda hanging out in the wreckage of the flooded store, when they discover there’s a frigging shark trapped in there too!! fuck, talk about a case of the Mondays! Oh there’s also people stuck in the parking garage but none of them are good looking so I don’t care. Oh and there’s also somehow a shark down there with them as well. hahah, Australia!

Obviously, some inconsequential people get eaten by a shark and the remaining survivors try to think of various ways to escape. Singapore boyfriend comes up with the greatest  worst plan in the world. A wire is dangling precariously close to the water and they decide the breaker needs to be turned off before the wire touches the water and fries them all, so someone has to swim down to the breaker room and turn off the switch. Singapore boyfriend volunteers to head down there and comes up with the idea to make a shark proof suit with various baskets and shit. I’m not lying.

WHAT CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG

He gives Xavier some speech that was very vague about how his ex still loves him, but that they still banged or something, I can’t remember, I was laughing pretty hard at that suit. Surprisingly enough, things go wrong and homeboy drowns. But his death wasn’t in vain because he did turn off the breaker and he will leave a very hilarious corpse.

They then move on to plan B: throwing rope at an air duct to escape.

Nailed it.

After a few false starts and me rewinding the rope throwing scene several times while laughing,  they rig up some sort of pulley system and the store Manager is like PEACE OUT ROUNDEYES. and he tries to climb up only to be brought down by DIGITAL SPIDERS.

THIS COUNTRY IS AWFUL

After escaping a barrage of pixels, he seems to be in the clear.

gee whiz! when it rains, it pours!

hahah oh mercy! so that plan failed. Oh also, that entire subplot with the people stuck in the parking garage is still happening.

Everyone involved is now like Fuck this is getting annoying, and Christian Troy comes up with not an actual bad idea to hook the shark with a meat hook tied to a shelf,  and then swim for the exit while it’s flailing around in the water.

“My smugness will help us”

This plan SHOCKINGLY works, but maybe not so shockingly because it’s like 30 minutes before this turd limps to the finish line. They’re about to boogie out of there when cops daughter hears banging in the parking garage and realizes it’s her boyfriend and they have to go save him. Xavier volunteers to go with her, but not before him and his ex reconcile. He reacts accordingly.

Does this face say “I reunited with my lost love” or “Who stole my parking spot?” YOU BE THE JUDGE.

Once down in the parking garage, they discover there’s also a shark down there. Seriously though, there’s like 10 Great White Sharks in the entire fucking ocean and 2 of them manage to find their way into a fucking Australian Costco? This wouldn’t have happened if The Crocodile Hunter was still alive!

Cops daughter finds the cop car and some guns inside of it, and much to the enjoyment of anyone still watching this thing, Xavier SHOOTS THE SHIT OUT OF A FUCKING SHARK.

FUCK

YES

FINALLY they try to leave the Supermarket, and Christian Troy decides to use the leaking battery of a truck that’s jammed in the wall to blow the whole thing open/use up the last of the budget for some CGI debris. But wait! there’s still the first shark, which has somehow gotten loose from their shoddy trap! Good thing Xavier is there to do shoot the fucking thing with a taser gun while hanging upside down. He also had the foresight to tuck in the front of his shirt so it wouldn’t flop down in front of his face. LIFEGUARDING!

You can’t see Xaviers face, but I assume he’s rolling his eyes and sighing in annoyance to this situation

So the shark wriggles around for almost a solid minute before I guess just sort of dying.  The last 2 minutes are of the survivors walking in slow motion to sad music out of the building, and Xavier and his ex hold hands and I assume get back together. He, again, reacts accordingly.

No doubt lost in thought about what the fuck was in that jar at the beginning of the movie.

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3 Responses to “Bait: If you watch one movie this year about digital sharks eating Australians in a grocery store, let it be this one.”


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