First off: I know nothing about Elizabeth Taylor. Here is what I know about her:
- She was friends with Michael Jackson
- She has her own perfume
- She used to be an actress
- People fucking love her for some reason, though I don’t get the appeal
- Same with Marilyn Monroe. She was not that great you guys!
- I’m getting off track
- I always picture Lucille 2 from Arrested Development whenever someone says her name
That’s it. I do, however, know a lot about Lindsay Lohan. Namely that she’s a mess who deserves to fall into a pit of perpetual unemployment for horrendously fucking up her entire career before the age of 27 and taking absolutely no responsibility for it. So when I heard they were making a Lifetime movie about Elizabeth Taylor that Lindsay was starring in, I felt the same kind of joy I imagine expectant mothers feel.
I love a good train wreck, so I thought this movie would both educate me in all things Liz Taylor, and I could laugh at Lindsay Lohan. So I have my pajama pants on and a bottle of wine, so here we go!
Apparently she married some dude named Richard, I’m guessing that’s the titular Dick.
Liz and Dick are wearing all black and getting interviewed in an all black room, so I’m guessing that they’re filming from the afterlife since they’re both young-looking and that’s a really stupid plot device in a really stupid movie. The music in this is also really generic sounding background music that would be used in a 90’s movie about an estranged couple whose kid is trying to get them back together with various hijinks.
Richards brother is either named Igor, Eyore, or Ivor.
These two dickheads met on set of Cleopatra, which I know is a movie that exists in time and space. That is the extent of my knowledge.
In the most ironic scene of art imitating life, Liz and Dick are drinking on set. Lindsay cannot act at all. She has fucking lost it and she is looking beat.
anyways, now Liz and Dick are cheating on their respective spouses with each other. Boy is she an icon!
It keeps going back to them talking in this weird all black room. Are they in hell? am I in hell? It keeps flitting back and forth between scenes and I’m not sure where they take place in a timeline. Was this over the course of a month? a year? 2 years? 12 minutes? there’s no way to know. I might have more of an idea if I knew anything about any of these people but I don’t so you will deal.
Liz apparently cheated on her 4th husband and she’s only 29. Why the fuck do people like this woman? she seems like a mess and if she was 29 right now she would be made fun of probably as much as a Kardashian or, ironically enough, Lindsay Lohan. People really need to stop glamourizing old Hollywood because everyone then is just as horrible as everyone now, they just didn’t have Twitter to tell us how awful they were.
Anyways, She told her husband she loved Dick (Hiyo!) and not him while they were in a room full of people, which included Dick. So yea, she’s a top-notch person.
Did you know Italy is 80% green screen? because according to this movie it is. This is some Mac photobooth bullshit.
Ok what? apparently Dicks ex-wife tried to kill herself and he found out via a paparazzi with a terrible French (?) accent who said “Suicide yes? what happened?” I also love to get life shattering news from passerby.
OH WHAT Now Liz is pounding back pills and vodka because Dick called off the affair? maybe?
Now she’s in the hospital
Oh wait, now she’s already out of the hospital?
THEY’RE STILL FILMING CLEOPATRA? WHAT IS HAPPENING. So the start of the affair, Liz’s divorce, Dick’s wife’s attempted suicide, the end of the affair, and Liz’s attempted suicide all happened during the course of a movie being filmed? It’s not like they were filming Lord of the Rings and it took 3 fucking years. Good god! and do you know what happened during the course of the Lord of the Rings filming? Viggo Mortenson adopted 2 horses and everyone got matching tattoos. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ELIZABETH.
What the fuck is happening? Did they just cobble together a movie with whatever scenes they had with Lindsay acting somewhat coherent? I have been less confused during a Tool music video.
Holy Fuck! Mr. Sheffield is in this!!!
I just spilled wine EVERYWHERE. I’m going full Liz!
Liz and Dick are having an affair again. These people are the worst. She loves the D.
Seriously though, is Dick’s brothers name Igor or Eeyore? or Ivor? I’m going to have to Google it. It’s Ivor. Who names one kid Richard and the other one Ivor? That’s like how the Mulders named one kid Samantha and the other one Fox. What the fuck, either pick two normal names or two crazy names.
Liz is now a full-fledged drunken mess and it’s like 40 minutes in. They’re getting blasted at like 8 in the morning.
Liz just used the term “shagging him senseless” oh boy!
Sidenote: I can’t stop eating Stone Wheat Thins.
Shockingly, people don’t want to hang out with these selfish insufferable assholes.
This bellboy is really padding his scene. Kudos to you my good man!
hahahaahah! people are protesting Liz and Dick’s affair and some woman is holding a sign that says “Slut on a hot tin roof” That is solid!
But they’re married now so I’m picturing that woman sadly folding up that sign while a single tear rolls down her cheek.
The guy playing Dick looks like an off brand Sean Bean. Also: this 9 dollar wine is delicious.
Ok so he pulled Liz on stage with him at his curtain call for the play he was in and everyones losing their mind. I would be pissed off if I was in that play, like what the fuck dude, I didn’t get to pull my basic ass wife on stage so why do you?
So now they hate each other? she keeps whipping bottles at his head and/or various walls. The only thing she loves more than drinking from bottles is throwing bottles.
Oh wait, now they’re making up? this is exhausting. Couples that are always either fighting or making up always try to claim they’re “passionate” but they’re really just psychos who shouldn’t be together.
He’s pissed off that Liz won an Academy Award and he didn’t. Wow, what a supportive husband. He sure is mature and confident! nothing is more attractive than when you boo and hiss your spouses accomplishments.
Eeyore is there to soothe his wounds. Eeyore also has an accent but Dick doesn’t.
Whoa! They have a stable of children, where the fuck did these kids come from?
These clowns are now living on a boat. Captain Ron style.
Sidenote: all my friends are fucking obsessed with Captain Ron for some reason.
She just FREAKED OUT because Dick told her she had pudgy fingers. I feel her pain. I have tiny little pudgy fingers. I can’t play the clarinet because my fingers can’t reach the bottom hole. It’s my burden, and I have learned to accept it.
hahaah oh my god he just bought her the most ridiculous diamond ring ever. If you took a ring pop and dipped it in gold and rolled it in diamonds it would still be less gaudy than this thing.
Ok now they’re in Switzerland for Christmas. They are going to pull an MC Hammer and go broke!
OH NO! Eeyore ate shit and fell down the stairs!
OH BOY! he’s paralyzed now. That escalated quickly.
Ok now they’re back on the boat. This movie is giving me fucking whiplash.
Lindsay keeps lapping in and out of a British accent. It’s really bad.
I’m laughing uncontrollably at this scene of them yelling at each other on a boat. I mean hahahah, good lord. Everyone who made this should feel bad.
Oh no! bad news again for Eeyore!
hahah what? he died! how? just by being paralyzed? hopefully they will explain.
They didn’t explain.
Dick is pretty sad Igor is dead.
He is expressing this sadness by cheating on Liz. Seems legit.
Now they’re divorced.
Oh no! Liz has colon cancer.
Oh wait, Nevermind. She doesn’t.
Aaaaand they’re married again.
WHO EDITED THIS? I’ve seen Frosted Flakes commercials more tightly edited than this.
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING??!?
Ok now they’re old and Dick just died.
HAHA oh my god, Lindsay just did the fakest faint ever when she found out Dick died.
HER WIG! I AM DYING!
I’m sad MJ wasn’t in this.
Oh and umm it just ended super abruptly. So I guess that’s that.
I have no idea what I just watched. This movie, much like this blog, was a damn mess. One thing is for sure though: Lindsay Lohan is not bouncing back from this trainwreck, but at least she can be proud in knowing she helped create a movie that gay dudes will add to their campy movie night right after they watch Showgirls.
In closing, I feel the following Gif sums up my experience watching this abomination.