Last minute Christmas gift guide

Hey ya hosers, Christmas is right around the corner! If you are anything like me, you bought all your presents a month ago so you can fully enjoy December the way it should be: half drunk and with a cinnamon bun in each hand. In case you weren’t as well prepared as me, I have compiled a list of great (???) gifts for those hard to buy for jerks in your life.

5 Dollar a Day Automated Bank

If you try to put in any currency that isn’t American it self destructs and an American Eagle dies.

Perfect gift for: Abraham Lincoln fetishists, Scrooge McDuck, Someone who doesn’t have a bank account because they’re suspicious of “The Man”

At first I thought this was a bank that was loaded with 5 dollar bills and would give you one every day, that would be pretty sweet. But no, it’s the exact opposite. You’re supposed to put 5 bucks a day in this thing and then I guess smash it with a hammer at the end of the year and get out your 1825 bucks? There are so many things wrong with this. Namely that this is 60 dollars. Think about that for a second. Here’s a better gift idea: a shoe box with 60 bucks inside of it. Good God. The reviews are really great too. This one’s my favorite.

Ummm. Bitch you are completely missing the point of the FIVE DOLLAR A DAY BANK. This bitch has no respect for the rules! just putting random bills in all willy nilly. Anarchists will be the downfall of our society. The second best review is someone complaining that it broke after 27 days. How so? It’s a piece of wood that is hollowed out that you put money in. Unless it caught on fire or disappeared into a wormhole, it’s still able to hold your money.

This horrifying mousepad

I don’t know about you guys, but I think this mousepad is hitting on me.

Perfect gift for: 4Chan users, creeps, people who are really into liking things ironically, registered sex offenders

Obviously this is from Japan. Japan has zero fucks left to give on the weird pervert front. The Prime Minister probably has this thing on his desk. This little ditty is from my favorite weird as hell Japanese website, JList. I’ve written about it before but I can’t look away. It’s like one stop shopping for Hello Kitty shirts, Strawberry Pocky and Buttplugs. I should also mention this thing is 55 bucks, maybe it comes alive at night and gives you weird handjobs? That would change everything. Also, let’s talk about how sad-looking this thing is. There’s also this one

Which is 7 dollars more for some reason? maybe because this one looks more ok with the fact you’re putting your wrist between her legs and your gross mouse on her face. Her eyes say “It’s ok that you haven’t cleaned the gunk off the bottom of your mouse for 9 months. I like it” Also she needs to get her blue ribbon situation under control, what is even going on there?!

Don’t Break the Bottle game

Perfect gift for: Recovering alcoholics, The Jigsaw killer, idiots

What we have here is this stupid contraption you put your booze into and then you have to solve the puzzle before you can get the bottle open. It’s supposed to be a party starter but the only thing this will start is a domestic dispute. If you brought this thing over to my family christmas it would end with everyone screaming at each other and then someone driving to the booze store to get another bottle and we would boo and shun whoever brought that fucking thing in the first place. Drinking is serious business. MOTHAFUCKER YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME??

This creepy dragon earring

"There, now I'm ready for that job interview!"

“There, now I’m ready for that job interview!”

Perfect gift for: hippies, people who celebrate Summer solstice, Teenaged Goths who mutter “fuck you” to their parents when they pass them in the hallway, a hobbit? 

I’m not even sure of how this thing  straps onto your frigging ear, but it’s a real winner isn’t it? I’m a little disappointed that there’s not a jewel in the dragons eye or that it’s not clutching onto a bitchin’ crystal ball or something.  Actually now that I’m looking at it, this thing doesn’t even have any arms. Is it a snake then? Also, now that I’m staring at it, this girls earhole looks weird.

Anyways, this is a guaranteed conversation starter. The waitress at Denny’s will be super impressed by it as she pours your 9th cup of coffee at 5 in the morning while you discuss Invader Zim with your goth friend Zephyr.



Perfect gift for: Serial killers, people who love puns, someone with a foot fetish, people who wish they lived in The Beasts enchanted castle

Oh boy this is a real eye roller. It’s like a pun you can keep in your living room forever! they should also include muscle cream with this thing since you’re going to throw out your shoulder pretty quickly from frantically elbowing people and then pointing to it while saying GET IT??

I would almost buy one of these just to see the look on the persons face when they open it. Just like how my favorite thing to do is expose people to Sleepaway Camp and just stare at them during the last few minutes to perfectly capture their look of horror. Maybe giving everyone these footstools can be my new thing!

I am glad they put shoes on this because it would somehow be a million times worse if it wasn’t wearing any.

Well there you have it! I hope I was able to help out with your last-minute shopping needs! I’m sure these gifts will be well received and there’s probably only a 42% chance the gift receiver will chase you out of their homes and vow never to speak to you again. Feliz Navidad Y’all!


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