So it’s finally here. The end of an era. I’ve had some good drunken times with this awful franchise, and I’ve also learned a lot. I’ve been trying to be more useless and bland in my relationships, but my personality keeps getting in the way. Maybe someday I can be as desirable as Bella. I’ve also been trying to get my boyfriend to act more protective of me and treat me like a toddler, but he keeps respecting my decisions and not resisting when I leave the house. GRRR!!
Now that this movie series is complete I am 100% certain that every single person in this story would be better off if Bella was either dead or just didn’t exist to begin with. Think about it.
When we last saw our valiant heroes, Bella was transformed into a vampire, Jacob was creeping on her baby and Edward was looking vaguely like he had to fart. At the opening of this movie, a newly transformed Bella is hunting with Edward in the woods. It’s all going pretty swell until Bella almost eats a hiker. Bloodlust is fun!
Once they get back to their house, Jacob comes out and he’s all “sup bro, I’m in love with your baby” This is weird for several reasons and I need to explain further. Jacob has “imprinted” on her baby thus becoming hopelessly in love with her, they try really hard to explain that because it’s just a baby it’s not a romantic thing, it’s just like a friends thing. It’s still awful. And another thing, does this poorly named child, Renesmee, have any say in it? what if she doesn’t want to date this obviously gay werewolf? As a woman in the Twilight universe her opinion doesn’t matter as every single female character in this thing is just a placeholder for whoever is reading/watching it to pretend it’s themselves in order for them to live out some weird gay werewolf fantasy.
Also, the baby is oddly completely digital. Why is this? there’s millions of babies! I saw 4 of them today already. Just grab a baby off the street for god sake. It’s very distracting.
Anyways, Bella is not too keen on her baby being oogled by Jacob but she has no say in the matter because she’s a girl, and she just kinda gets over it within a few scenes. Edward and Bella move into a little cottage that is disgustingly twee, and of course it has already been decorated entirely without Bella having any input because ovaries.
Things are horribly boring for awhile until a delightful scene where Jacob tries to show Mustache Dad (who is the real star of this thing, let’s be real) that he’s a werewolf and he does so by getting naked in the woods before turning into a wolf. Sidenote: after turning into the wolf he kinda snarls at Mustache Dad for awhile, which seems counterproductive if you just turned into a gigantic dog and are trying to calm someone. Mustache Dad demands to go see Bella (for some reason) and the vampires give her some pep talks to act like a human that include blinking every few seconds, slouching and pretending to breathe. I assume these are the same notes Kristen Stewarts acting coach gave her. ZING!!
A few drinks later (because clearly I was wasted at this thing) actual events started to occur when the super fruity vampires in Italy think that Bella and Edward’s digital child is a kid they turned into a vampire, which is apparently not cool. Seems pretty cool to me but whatever.
Edwards sister has one of her conveniently timed premonitions that tells her the fruity vampire army is coming to kill everyone. I’m game. So they start going to various parts of the country to round up vampires to fight the other vampires. Again, I’m game! Also, because there’s so many new vampires kickin’ around, it’s apparently activating the dormant werewolf gene that all Native Americans possess (It’s called science) thus causing kids to become werewolfs. So thanks for that Bella, now a bunch of 12 year olds are transformed into monsters who have to fight vampires so your stupid kid doesn’t get her head kicked off or whatever. Bella is the worst.
First on the docket of vampires who get rounded up is my main man Lee Pace, who is looking unfortunate as some sort of smarmy vampire who dresses like Stevie Nicks. It’s not great, but as I have said before: you can’t blame a bitch for trying to make a buck. He instantly wins the affections of the audience by killing a passerby while Edwards no necked brother and his sister with the bad wig look on.
More importantly though, my other main man Janderson is in this thing! unfortunately he is looking extra sleepy and decided to go with the line reading choice of using his normal British accent but then putting marbles in his mouth and mumbling around them in a vaguely Southern accent. I didn’t understand half of the things that were coming out of his mouth and I’m only blaming it 40% on the fact that I had poured a mickey into a thing of Sprite. He mumbled incoherantly about something and then went and hung out in their attic for the rest of the movie. Get that cheque Janderson!
There’s also some super aryan looking fucks, and a couple of Irish vampires thrown in for good measure. They seriously throw about 14 new characters into the movie in rapid, confusing succession. But the creme de le creme is a couple of vampires that look like they are the love child of Edgar Winter and Yakov Smirnoff. I think one was named Vladamir but I can’t be certain. Oh and please be aware that this movie featured this creepy looking dude.
After several somehow boring training montages, I was starting to check out because I felt like it was in hour 4 and nothing had really happened. Edwards sister Alice and her boyfriend who inexplicably had an Ellen Degeneres circa 1998 haircut disappeared to do things and after some topnotch investigating by Bella, she discovered that Alice had set up some passports through a man named J. Jenks (I’m serious) for her digital baby and Jacob in case the rest of them get slaughtered. I don’t think that having these fake passports will really stop the redflags that will pop up when an Indian teenager is traveling with a white baby. That’s just the reality in this post 9/11 world.
Ummm what else. oh Mustache dad has a new girlfriend, and he either thinks Renesemee is Edward and Bellas kid, or Edwards niece that they adopted. He also knows Jacobs a werewolf, and might know that the rest of them are vampires? I have no idea. He is not a great cop, let’s be real.
So anyways, the vampires find out that Bella has a super vampire power that is being a shield. She then says “what is that” I then rolled my eyes so hard they almost ejected from my face. They explain to her and anyone who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word shield that her special power allows her to SHIELD herself from other peoples powers, much like a SHIELD.
Finally the fruity vampires come on the scene and they’re all wearing Highschool band uniforms. They kinda shoot the shit for a bit in an icy field and this happens:
Ya. I think everyone involved in this franchise is in on a joke that most of the audience is missing. Anyways, after the greatest scene in history ends, a whole bunch of killing happens AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. People were getting their fucking heads ripped off left right and center.
Bella uses her extremely important SHIELD powers for a few seconds and then it’s never mentioned again. More importantly though, Edwards smarmy dad gets his head ripped off and a bunch of wolves get killed. Also, under that crack in the above picture is just straight up molten lava. Twilight never stops teaching us about what true love means and also that the center of the earth is only a few feet under the earths crust. Edward almost falls in the pit of lava and I was so excited that they might actually end this thing in an exciting, fuck you to the entire fanbase. I was laughing and sloshing booze all over the place. It was a very exciting time to be alive.
Unfortunately, much like my budding rap career, It was not meant to be. Turns out the whole thing was a goddamn vision from Alice and she was showing the head fruity vampire that he would die if they fought. I’m serious. So the last 25 minutes of the movie is the worst, most overused trope in all of film and television history: IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Alice came back into the movie to not only spit in the face of the audience, but to show the fruity vampires that she found a kid just like Renesmee who is the bastard love child of a vampire and a human. They apparently stop aging when they reach the “Age” of 16. I put that in quotations because they just look 16, but they’ve actually only been alive for a few years. Jackpot for Jacob! He gets to bone a chick who looks 16 but actually has the mentality of a 6 year old. Stephanie Meyer, you should seriously seek help.
After the head vampire realizes he’s going to die, he calls off the attack and I assume moves to New York, changes his name to Wesley Snipes and tries to date Liz Lemon.
The rest of the 290 extra characters disperse, Edward and Bella gaze blankly at each other and Renesmee resigns herself to a lifetime of dating Jacob with no say at all in the matter. TRUE LOVE PREVAILS.
That it. The movie ends. And I bet you can clearly see why the last book was broken up into two movies! It didn’t at all have to do with milking the last ounce of cash out of the franchise before the core audience moves on. Not at all!
Well I’m a bit sad that my journey of getting blasted and watching these movies is coming to a close. These things were like a gift from the god of unintentional comedy. I am glad you guys could share this rambling, poorly written adventure with me. I’ll always hold mustache dad in my heart.