I wrote this quite awhile ago and debated releasing it or not because I was EXTREMELY drunk when I wrote it. Not like ha ha drunk but like oh my god drunk. I re read it and felt a mixture of pride and shame. It was a real scene but it made me laugh a few times. This article is like my secret attic family, and I decided to let you guys in on it. Please don’t judge too harshly, and keep in mind I drank 2 bottles of wine while writing it.
Now, for your consideration:
Whats up nerds? So I feel like I should explain myself and the choices that brought me here. I decided (at the suggestion of my lifemate Jenna) to live blog a movie for you guys. So essentially I just watch the movie and write about it as it goes. Solid idea right? Right. I figured I should watch a movie I’ve never seen before, but that was fairly recent/well known so people would get what it was about without me rehashing the plot.
I chose the new Spiderman movie. May God have mercy on us all. You guys, I assume, know the basics of the Spiderman canon, so let’s get this show on the road!
Ok it’s really hard to balance a glass of wine on your laptop while you’re writing
Opening credits are made of web. Shocking.
Ok this is interesting because it’s showing Peter Parkers dad and he apparently loved bugs/was some sort of bug…professor? He had a chalkboard with some important looking evidence on it. He has some secret and he’s flipping out because someone trashed his office
Peters dad is dropping Peter off with Aunt May and Uncle Ben
WHAT THE FUCK SALLY FIELD IS AUNT MAY?? SHES LIKE 50?
fuck spilled my wine
Now Peter is a scruffy teen and no one likes him. He skateboards. He’s ALTERNATIVE AND QUIRKY. He’s like the Zooey Deschanel of this school. I think I spelled her last name right without looking it up and that’s upsetting.
Oh fuck I forgot they put the whole Gwen Stacy plotline in this instead of Mary Jane. Gwen Stacy gets chucked off a bridge and dies in the comics just fyi.
A SHEEN IS UNCLE BEN. Martin?Is he the one married to Catherine Zeta Jones?
He found a mysterious briefcase that made Uncle Ben and Aunt May shut the fuck up for two seconds when he brought it to them. His dad apparently worked for Oscorp. I’m guessing this is important because of the expository flashbacks happening.
SECREEEEEET BRIEFCASE COMPARTMENT YOU CAN PUT YOUR WEED IN!!!
Or top secret files as seems to be the case.
Peter’s researching and there’s a lot of different headlines coming up on the screen. I’m confused, did his dad die or just abandon him with Sally and the Sheen? I hope they explain it. Anyways, Peter lied his way into an internship or something into Oscorp?
Gwen Stacy is there too. What are the odds?? two movie characters in a building at the same time!! She’s wearing fucking knee high socks to her interning job. You idiot!
Oh fuck! Lizard is the villian of this thing I’m guessing since they just introduced that one armed professor. I wish I was watching the Spiderman cartoon instead. Remember Kraven? Fuck yeah!
There is A LOT of dramatic stings and sneaking around. I’m sure I would be more stressed out if I gave a shit.
Ok what? I looked away (to get wine) and Peter must have gotten bit by the spider. He’s doing awkward Spiderman schtick on a train, so I guess this is what I’m doing with my life. ha ha ha. He ripped a girls shirt off with his sticky hands. Oh boy! is this a movie! What the fuck was so wrong with Tobey Maguire? Spiderman 1 and 2 were really good you guys. This movie wasn’t meant to be. But it was made and now here I am, watching it at 1130 at night on a sunday, alone, with a bottle of wine. The last 20 minutes of the movie have been dedicated to bits where Peter gets stuff stuck to his hands. I DONT WANT TO LIVE.
BING. NO ONE USES BING. STOP BINGING PETER. BING. BINNNNNNNNNNNNG.
Sidenote: I just said “Bing is a great search engine…FOR ME TO POOP ON” out loud. I’m also alone in my house. SEnd help.
Ha ha ha! he got the keyboards stuck to his hands because he’s a spider you see. I wrote keyboards and not keyboard keys. I’m not well. This wine is great though.
Ol’ One arm used to work with Peters dad, and something something spiders. They were spider guys who did spider experiments.
When the hell is Uncle Ben going to die? get this shit over with already! we all know it’s coming, just pull the trigger!
Oh thank god that’s over. See you in hell whatever Sheen you are!
Full Disclosure: I cried in the first Spiderman when Uncle Ben died.
I always wondered how superheros make their suit. In both this one and the OG Spiderman movie it showed them sketching out suit ideas, but never how they made it. Did they commission someone on Etsy?
DENIS LEARY IS IN THIS? Where the fuck is J Jonah Jamieson and his amazing haircut? fuck The Amazing Spiderman! more like The Terrible Spiderman amiright?? wine.
If there’s an underlining plot developing I either missed it completely or just do not give a single shit about it.
This Spiderman is way too smug for my taste. Smugness is awful.
FUCK HE JUST SAID “WATCH IT, I’M SWINGIN HERE!” A LA PACINO. I AM 2000% DONE.
I spilled wine EVERYWHERE.
Peter has a million angst count and Gwen Stacy finds it irresistible. She wants the D.
If you had a choice between no arm, a lizard arm or a baby arm which would you choose? I think lizard arm is a bad choice because it seems to be making this dude cray cray. There’s a girl who used to work at the McDonalds by my house with a baby arm and it was always super awkward when she was working the drive thru and you had to like, lean at a complete right angle to get you within reach of her tiny creepy arm. It was like that creepy baby thing that was in that dudes stomach in Total Recall, like its arm on a full grown woman.Anyways, this movie is DRAGGING.
Whoa what? Matt just got home from drinking at a friends and he won’t stop talking about this curry he bought earlier and how good it is, and now Peter and Gwen are making out on a roof and she knows he’s Spiderman. That did not take long.
Lizard tried to kill some people on a bridge with his power of shoddy looking CGI. But it did give Spiderman the chance to save a child from a burning car. AMERICA.
Matt’s demanding I try this curry.
The curry was pretty good.
Dr Connors (Lizard) keeps talking to Peter for some reason and I feel like there’s something going on between the two that I’m missing, or as I mentioned earlier simply do not care about. Maybe it’s sexual tension? Peter thinks he’s evil, but I think he just misses his arm and he’s like “an arm that turns me into a crazy lizard is better than no arm at all” I feel him. Keep fighting that fight dawg ( I don’t know why I typed that sentence)
ok what. Spiderman is staking out Lizards little underground lair and now they’re fighting. But Lizard looks janky as fuck. Like CW show levels of janky.
Anyways, Lizard knows Spiderman is Peter now because Peter accidently left his camera at the scene of the crime and he put a fucking label on it that says PROPERTY OF PETER PARKER. First of all, who the fuck uses label makers still? especially if you’re going to be carrying it around while dressed as a costumed vigilante?? Has he learned nothing from that episode of the Simpsons when Bart pretended he was stuck down that well? Bullshit.
oh my god there is still 40 minutes left in this thing.
Lizard is chucking Peter around the school. I’ll be honest with you guys, I have no idea how they got to this scene because I’ve been browsing Twitter in another tab. This movie has no momentum, it’s just one scene and then another. There’s no definable 1st, 2nd and 3rd acts. I could be in the 3rd act and I have no way of knowing.
Everyone on the fucking Internet was jizzing themselves over this! This movie is tres estupido and I realize I just mixed France (French?) and Spanish but thats just how angry I am! this movie is dumb in three different languages!!
I do not give a single fuck about anything or anyone in this movie. Lizard is gassing people with weird lizard gas and I do not care at all. However: Spidermans bum looks great. He got arrested, for having a butt that should be illegal!! (ha ha ha! I’m drunk gyou guys)
NM! he escaped! oh wait, officer Leary is on the case and he’s like WHAAAAA PARKER???? but he let him go because that’s how Leary rolls AND YOU WILL DEAL. I hope this is still funny when I’m sober tomorrow and proofread this mess.
I hate this movie and everyone involved in the making of it.
Lizard kidnapped Gwen Stacy because as a female in a superhero movie, this plot device needed to happen.
END. END. END. WHY WONT YOU END.
spiderman is either trying to blow up something or stop something from blowing up.
Denis Leary is dead. Just like my hopes and dreams.
I fell asleep and the movies over. No idea how it ended but it did, that’s the important thing.
So there we have it. This blog was a real wake up call for me. It was horribly misspelled, made little to no sense and was a rambling mess fuelled by wine. I need to rethink some major principles in my life.