So this obviously happened. I don’t feel I need to explain myself. I love bad movies, I love stupid movies and I’ve been on a real Jeremy Renner kick, so it made sense. My friend Rachel was on board because she also loves bad movies, and she is in love with grumpy cat, so Renner being Grumpy Cat personified really sealed the deal for her. So we went to see it and we loved every minute of it. It was super fun, it didn’t take itself too seriously and it wasn’t 14 days long like the majority of movies being released lately.
Y’all (I’m so sorry for saying that) know the Hansel and Gretel story right? Parents abandon kids in the woods (good for them) and they get kidnapped by the witch in the candy house and then escape by kicking her into the oven. But what happened AFTER??? Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is here to tell you. SPOILER ALERT: The answer is wear leather and shoot witches in the face. Also, Hansels gun looks a lot like a weiner.
So the movie begins when they’re all grown up, Hansel is looking approximately 25 years older than his sister but whatever, we’ll overlook that. The siblings roll up on a town where some dicks are about to burn a witch because they think she’s responsible for a bunch of children going missing. Hansel jabs his fingers in the chicks various head holes and declares she’s not a witch but they are here to find the witch responsible. The sheriff is of course suspicious of them because we need one of those characters in this movie.
Later that day Hansel and Gretel beat the shit out of a witch they find in the woods, but also get the shit kicked out of them. Seriously, they are not very good witch hunters. roughly 80% of this movies dialogue is Jeremy Renner oofing and groaning after getting kicked in the face. At least they’re spending time together, I always like seeing siblings getting along together.
The only advantage they have going for them is that witches magic doesn’t work on them. They didn’t apparently think to look more into this, but obviously this comes up later. They go to a local pub where the very first documented case of a fanboy might have occured when this kid runs over and starts jizzing himself over how great they are and how he wants to be a witch hunter too.
After killing that witch they find a bunch of scrolls in her shack with lunar cycles and references to the 12th moon on them. Hansel declares that he thinks the kids missing and the 12th moon deal are related somehow. YOU FUCKING THINK HANSEL?? Hansel is hands-down the dumbest character in the entire movie. Gretel is clearly the brains of this operation. Oh and while they’re discussing this with the mayor a weird steampunk wristwatch Hansel is wearing dings and he injects himself in the leg with a syringe. Turns out that after stuffing his face with candy in that witches house, Hansel developed diabetes and needs to inject himself with insulin. I’m 600% serious. This is an actual subplot in the movie. I’m not entirely sure that’s how diabetes works but sure why not.
The following scene I’m going to describe didn’t really push the plot forward but I feel I need to include it. Later that night, Gretel is sleeping and she has a nightmare about their parents abandoning them. She rolls over and the camera pans down to reveal that Hansel is sleeping on the floor. No blanket, and using a boot as a pillow. She wakes him up to tell him about the nightmare and he’s all “guhh I’m tired, I’m not sleeping well because I’m using a goddamn boot for a pillow. I don’t want to talk about our deadbeat (literally) parents, go to sleep” He then ROLLS UNDER THE BED and falls asleep. This scene is notable for several reasons. Why is Hansel sleeping on the floor? Is there only 1 extra bed available in this entire town? If he just likes sleeping on the floor, why didn’t someone give him a blanket and a pillow? If you’re going to make a bed that’s tall enough so a man can sleep under it, why not just go for the gusto and make that shit into a bunkbed? GOD. Also Gretel, you couldn’t help a brother out and sleep head to toe or do the old over under? You bitch.
Anyways after what I’m sure was a great sleep, Hansel is buying various shit at the market when that girl they saved from being burned shows up and she’s all “You’re handsome, what up” and he’s like “hold my pumpkin” (seriously) because his watch dinged and he needs to inject himself with insulin or he will have a diabetes attack. He literally falls down on some steps, then injects himself and he’s instantly better. I am almost postive that’s not how diabetes works. The chick, Mina, is all oh bro, you got the beetus. He takes his pumpkin and the scene ends.
Meanwhile a witch with a haircut that looks suspiciously like it’s from 1992 hears a kid crying in the woods and comes across a very obvious dummy sitting on a log. oooh Hansel totally made a decoy kid out of that pumpkin and a vitrola nearby is playing a recording of a crying kid (question: where did they get that recording from) They all fight and after Hansel gets smashed in the face with a rock and a huge stick, and Gretel gets kicked several times in the ribs, they somehow capture the witch.The two of them interrogate her back in the town, and Hansel asks approximately 2 questions and then gives up. He’s seriously super shitty at everything he does.
Gretel doesn’t give up so easily because someone needs to move this plot along, and she manages to discover the witches are planning a ceremony that would require 12 children and the end result is that fire wouldn’t burn the witches, and that would make Hansel and Gretels job a bajillion times harder so they decide to stop it. Hansel goes to save the last kid they need for the ritual, while his sister stays behind to guard the witch. Hansel arrives too late (you loser) and sees the kid getting towed away in a cart by a troll. Hansel yells “HEY!” at the troll and then stares at it for a few seconds before getting kicked in the side by a witch and falling over. Hansel. Get your shit together guy. Hansel fights with the witch for awhile and then stupidly grabs onto its broomstick as it flies away and takes him with it.
Meanwhile, Gretel is tusslin’ with the main witch who you might remember as Jean Grey from the X Men movies. According to Wiki, her characters name is Muriel so uhh there’s that. Muriel is all “I’m not going to kill you because there’s something I need from you” but then she got shot by a minor character and Gretel fell out a window and into the creepy arms of that fanboy from earlier. The next day, Gretel and the fanboy, Ben, shoot the shit about witches for awhile until Gretels like well fuck, I better go find that jackass brother of mine .
Smashcut to: Hansel hanging upside down in a tree because COMEDY!!! but he falls out because HE’S TERRIBLE!!! and Mina just happens to be there and she’s all I’ll clean your wound wink wink. She somehow convinces him to take his shirt off so she can “clean his wounds so he doesn’t get the fever” but he had like a minor cut above his eyebrow and zero injuries on his chest. That chick has game, I will give her that. They then bang in a pond after Hansel tells a RIVETING story about a frog.
While Hansel is plowing this random, Gretel is wandering around looking for him. Instead she finds the sheriff and his merry band of goons who proceed to kick the crap out of her. But that troll from earlier is watching from the woods and he’s PISSED OFF ABOUT IT! So he stomps in all their heads and carries Gretel into the woods. I chose this time to go pee because I was concerned I might miss a Renner sex scene. When I returned, Rachel said all I missed was that the troll said he didn’t hurt Gretel because “Troll don’t hurt Witches” she originally thought he said “Bitches” and we actually weren’t sure of which one it was until the end. Also, the Trolls name is Edward. This movie was seriously so fucking amazing you guys.
Meanwhile, Hansel is wandering around and stumbles upon a cabin. He opens the door and immediately gets tackled by someone, and falls through the floor into a cave under the cabin. Hansel, seriously. Sweep the room. SWEEP. It turns out to be Gretel and they’re both super stoked to see each other and then touch each others faces for an uncomfortably long time for siblings to touch each others faces. Hansel also busts out AN AMAZING GRUMP FACE when his sister tells him about how she got the shit kicked out of her. They crawl out of the hole and Hansel is all Oh shit! this is our old house! here’s my old bed! (They don’t discuss whether or not he slept under it, but I assume he did) after remincing for awhile, Muriel busts in and she’s all “Hey jerks, guess what? your mom was a white witch! Let’s roll the tape on that”
A flashback reveals that their mom was indeed a white witch and Muriel needs the heart of white witch to complete this spell on the blood moon. She spread a rumour that their mom was a witch and the townsfolk burned her while their dad was hiding them in the woods, and then they hung him when he got back, so he never got a chance to come back and save them. So now Muriel needs Gretels heart to complete the spell because she’s a white witch. I have no idea what the fuck Hansel is. I guess a warlock? I don’t know and no one asked. Muriel then shanks the shit out of Hansel and kidnaps Gretel. Good looking out Hansel.
Hansel wakes up sometime later in the cabin being cared for by Mina. His shankwound has healed completely and he has a mini freakout when Mina explains that she’s a white witch. He seriously cannot wrap his head around the existence of a white witch, despite the fact it was revealed to him earlier that both his mother and sister are white witches. Good lord Hansel. As a side note: I think Jeremy Renner was at least mildly intoxicated throughout the filming of this movie.
Hansel, Mina and Ben team up and Mina blesses their arensel of weapons so that they’ll destroy the witches. Sure, why not. They head to where the ceremony is taking place and Hansel shoots the shit out of a fuckload of witches while Mina uses a gatlin gun (I’m serious) to help. He cuts Gretel loose, and sets all the kids free. Muriels pissed because they screwed up her ritual and she flies away on her broomstick. But despite that, solid job guys.
The gang finds Muriel and wouldn’t you know it! it’s at the same delicious candy house from when they were kids! What are the odds. Talk about a case of the Mondays. After TWO TIME ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE Jeremy Renner delivers the line “Don’t eat the fucking candy” and part of his soul dies, they start fighting with Muriel and Mina gets stabbed and dies in Hansels arms. He then SOMERSAULTS IN GRIEF into the candy house and gets smashed in the face by Muriel. Gretel runs in and they start fighting with her and have her hanging by a chain but just as Hansel is choking the shit out of her, his wristwatch starts beeping. What a bad time for a subplot illness to pop up! Jeez! He starts getting all whoozy and realizes the witch kicked his insulin out of arms reach. He then faints (pussy) but his sister injects him with his insulin (yay!) and he’s instantly fine (wha?) then they cut the witches head off with a shovel and blow up the house. THE END.
In the epilogue, the siblings have now teamed up with Ben and Edward the troll and they all go around killing witches. I feel like with the inclusion of a gigantic troll, Hansel is no longer required because the troll is probably 100% stronger than Hansel, and at least 20% smarter. Rachel also mentioned that if anything Hansel was worth negative points because of his diabetes. Sorry bro.