This post is an excuse to talk about the Walking Dead (I apologize for nothing!)

I, much like the rest of the world, am currently having a passionate love affair with The Walking Dead. If you aren’t watching this show what is wrong with you? I will admit that season 2 really dragged with that never ending search for Sophie. I was over it like 20 minutes after she went missing because I refuse to feel sad that she died as a result of being an idiot, if a giant horde of zombies walks by wait a few minutes before you reveal your hiding spot! kids these days with their short attention spans.
Anyways the season finale is upon us, and according to the internet at least one major character is going to bite the bullet. So I’ve compiled a list of the current characters and I’m going to determine the survival odds. I’m basing this entirely on the TV show and not the comics, because they’ve really strayed from the comics.So don’t be that guy who is all “ughh she hasn’t even READ the comics” because I have! so you and your hypothetical question can eff right off. 
Obviously this post contains spoilers, so don’t read it if you aren’t caught up on the show ya dingus!
First up is our main man, Rick Grimes:
BABE. Also, last Halloween I almost rear ended someone because I was staring at a guy dressed as Rick walking  by.

BABE. Also, last Halloween I almost rear ended someone because I was staring at a guy dressed as Rick walking by.

Pros:
  • is handsome
  • can shoot a gun very well
  • has a healthy interest in stuff and things
  • Coined the term “Ricktatorship”
  • Hot Cop
Cons:
  • Possibly insane(??)
  • Was in Love Actually and I hate that movie. I don’t get the hype at all, and his plot was the worst. Ok cool so Kiera Knightly just has to live with the fact that her husbands best friend is in love with her? way to put that on her. You should have kept your mouth shut Rick you stupid idiot.
  • has the most unintentionally hilarious reaction to his wifes death (this might actually be a pro because it really brought the laughs)
Rick is the main character of this thing, and I really doubt he will die. That would be a huge shocker and would make zero sense since he’s the glue that holds these grimy survivors together. He’s a little craycray, but really who isn’t?
Survival odds: 100%

 

Next up is my flawless greasy prince, Daryl Dixon:

BING BONG.

BING BONG. Fun fact: Norman Reedus was once a Prada model. Unfun fact: he cruelly named his child MINGUS. MINGUS REEDUS.

Pros:
  • has a cool leather jacket!!!
  • is a greasy superstar
  • one time he wore a poncho and it was FABULOUS
  • everyone loves him
  • is a great shot with a crossbow
  • his name is an alliteration (I love those!)
Cons:
  • has only one shirt
  • I feel like he might not know how to read
  • he rides a motorcycle (cool in theory, but its super loud and I feel like a zombie could just grab him right off of it)
  • somehow finds Carol attractive(????)
  • one time he fell down a ravine and hit his head and then made a necklace out of zombie ears. that was super weird Daryl.
  • looks like he brushes his hair with a pork chop
Daryl is EVERYONES favorite character. There is no way they’re going to kill him off. He was supposed to just be a guest shot but since the entire world fell in love with his squinty rat face they decided to make him a cast regular. I am hoping that he doesn’t die but I’m also praying to the various gods that he doesn’t hook up with Carol. THEIR COUPLE NAME WOULD BE DAROL…OR CARYL. NO.
Survival Odds: 100%
And then a new addition to the team, Michonne:
SO COOL

SO COOL

Pros:
  • is super hot
  • has a great poker face
  • knows her way around a sword
  • looks great in a cape
  • has excellent taste in papermache cats
  • told Carl he was being a little dingus
Cons:
  • seems to have a soft spot for Andrea and her constant jackassery
  • not a great conversationalist
 
I love Michonne. I’m super bummed that the writers have kind of squandered her character and relegated her to standing off the side looking angry. She did stab the governor in the eye which I LOVED. The governor is still pretty pressed about that whole thing despite that eyepatch shooting his attractiveness level through the roof. So he wants Rick to hand over Michonne so I guess he can poke out her eye? I doubt Rick will do it though, but you never know. She has been getting more lines lately which can either mean she’s about to die or that she’s going to be crucial to the finale.
Survival odds: 80%
The worst one now that Lori is dead, Carol
CLOSE ENOUGH.

CLOSE ENOUGH.

Pros:
  • makes everyone look better by comparison
  • ????
Cons:
  • all around sucks
  • is like 100 years old
  • wtf is up with that haircut
  • oh snap
  • She gave up looking for her kid super quickly and made everyone else do it
  • You’ve got a kid, you’ve got to think you’ve got a responsibility  You don’t look for an hour and give up and sit on the porch like a goon. You get your ass out there, and you find that fucking kid!
I cannot stand Carol. She brings absolutely nothing to the table except fretting. She’s dead weight. I guess shes kind of OK with a gun? but other than that, she’s terrible. She tries to be sassy but I’m not buying it!!! I am not here for Carol and her antics! The only good thing that might come out of her, is a sex scene between her and Daryl, but then I’ll have to tape a picture of myself to the screen over Carol so my lady boner isn’t totally killed by her and her stupid haircut. You guys can do that too if you want, I’ll supply the photo. 
Survival odds: 70% (though I wish it were 0%)
The hugest pain in everyones ass, Andrea
For the last time Andrea, you are not pulling off that cowboy hat. TAKE IT OFF.

For the last time Andrea, you are not pulling off that cowboy hat. TAKE IT OFF.

Pros:
  • actually pretty bad ass when she’s not being an idiot
  • is a good shot
  • once killed a zombie with a pocket knife
  • that’s pretty cool
Cons:
  • got dickmatized
  • not a great judge of character
  • slept with Shane
  • god I hated Shane
  • for some reason told the governor that not only did Rick have a baby, but that the baby might not be his
  • Seriously Andrea, shut up for like 2 seconds
In Andrea’s defense, you know if you were on the run from zombies for the better part of a year and then some dude let you stay in his sweet mansion in his safe neighbourhood AND let you hit it, you would stay. I know you all would and I know I would. So I’m going to let that slide. But the governor is clearly evil and one would think you would cut and run as soon as you found out your boyfriend had a room full of heads in tanks. That shit aint cute!! I have a feeling she might die in some sort of last ditch valiant effort to redeem her character, because right now she is just the worst.
Survival odds: 50%
Americas sweetheart, Glenn
Aww Glen ya little cutie, I'm even going to resist making a Shortround joke. Love ya!

Aww Glen ya little cutie, I’m even going to resist making a Shortround joke. Love ya!

Pros:
  • is adorable
  • Everyone loves him!
  • extremely useful
  • stepped in as leader when Rick went bonkers
  • once killed a zombie with a chair leg
  • good at math ???
  • that’s racist
  • Sorry
Cons:
  • has a girlfriend
  • kinda short??
  • shouts a lot
  • keep it down, Glen!
Glen is pretty solid. He’s a pretty important part of the group, and helps go for supply runs and fortify the jail. Because of this, I’m worried they might kill him just to have a shocking season finale. That would blow. Glen is adorable. I hope he lives, because there are a bajillion people who should die instead of him. I’m looking in your direction Carol.
Survival odds: 75%
Glens better half, Maggie
HOLY SHIT! I think I'm in love

HOLY SHIT! I think I’m in love

Pros:
  • actually pretty great
  • let the governor feel her up so he wouldn’t kill her boyfriend (good looking out)
  • is a great shot
  • cool as a cucumber
Cons:
  • used to be Bela on Supernatural and I’m still holding a grudge
  • Bela was the WORST
  • that’s about it, Maggie’s pretty great
Maggie’s alright, I’ve got nothing against her. though if she died it would give Glen a chance to yell NOOOOO to the sky while holding her dead body. Can the writers resist such a great opportunity?
Survival odds: 60%
…and the rest.
Hershel
Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Pros:
  • is Santa?
  • has a little ponytail
  • has medical training
Cons:
  • Old as heck!
  • missing a leg
Hershel is super expendable. He’s old, he’s disabled, and if he died everyone would be like awww that sucks, but then get over it quickly. I would be alright with him dying.
Survival odds:10%
Beth
Oh boy, I bet this was a riveting scene.

Oh boy, I bet this was a riveting scene.

Pros:
  • ????
  • looks after the baby I guess?
Cons:
  • trying too hard to be Luna Lovegood
  • boring
  • Always ends episodes by singing depressing songs
  • I thought her name was Becky for the majority of this season
I had to Google what this characters name is if that gives you any indication of her popularity. She could die off screen and it would probably take a few episodes for anyone to notice
Survival odds: 5%
Judith
You all know what a baby looks like, here's that poncho I was talking about earlier

You all know what a baby looks like, here’s that poncho I was talking about earlier

Pros:
  • come back to me
Cons:
  • is a baby
  • noisy
  • brings nothing to the table
  • has a terrible name
If I was in this situation, I would have thrown that baby over the fence weeks ago. But TV shows shy away from killing infants, so survival odds are high.
Survival odds: 90%
Carl
duhhhhhhhh

duhhhhhhhh

Pros:
  • umm
  • knows how to shoot
  • killed Lori
  • she was BRUTAL
  • Lady MacBeth of the zombie apocalpyse
Cons:
  • is a little shit
  • somehow his head is the same size of a grown mans head
  • how is Ricks sheriff hat not falling off?
  • we should keep an eye on this head size situation
I could take or leave this little brat but Rick seems to have some sort of attachment to him so whatever I guess. I doubt they’ll kill him, but I’d be alright either way
Survival odds: 85%
Merle
GA ROSS

GROSS

Pros:
  • has a sweet knife arm
Cons:
  • racist
  • ugly
  • ripped his brothers only shirt(!!!)
  • I guess used to beat Daryl? or just didn’t do anything when their parents beat him
  • what a great big brother
  • wow.
Merle is awful. Cut this turd loose. 
Survival odds: 20%
I’m not even going to bother rating The Governor and that little Dilbert looking loser Milton (seriously writers, you named a wormy character Milton? come on!) because one or both of them are clearly going to die. 
So hopefully my predications are right! though I guess the writers could really throw us for a loop and have the whole thing be the figment of someones imagination, or even worse go the Sopranos route and just end midsc
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2 Responses to “This post is an excuse to talk about the Walking Dead (I apologize for nothing!)”


  1. 1 Adam March 21, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    I’m going for Merle and Daryl. That’s right both dead. Merle because he’s Merle and Daryl because everyone likes him.

    Michonne infuriates me though. By now you’d think she’d realize that stabbing a zombie in the chest doesn’t kill it.

    Also more Tyreese is needed, dude is badass(apparently i’m 12 again)

    also for some reason i wanted a dirty dancing reference with judith

  2. 2 kevin March 23, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Love this! All my best nightmares involve zombies. (except the ones where..oh god…my sister is…. naked. Just kill me, and no, we didn’t.. I just wake up with a horrible stomach ache.)
    My favorite character: Michonne- she’s not as cute as that chick from 28 days later but she got it goin on baby, except for the talking. She’s in danger from others because she lacks speaking skills, you know like manipulation, telling lies, coming across as likeable, etc. She’s one of those ‘does not play well with others’, but by herself? wooo-wee! Her and the kid should just smear zombie juice all over themselves, and then go off by themselves. They’d do just fine.


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