Dating Tips from someone who farts themselves awake once a week

Every day that I wake up and look over to see a sleeping, snoring angel of a man next to me I always wonder how I got so lucky, but I really should be asking myself how did he get so lucky to have me. I’ll tell you how he got lucky to have me, I am a flipping catch. I decided to share with you lucky ducks my secrets to wrangling in a man, or woman, or whatever the genital situation is of the one you desire. Possibly an Old Gregg downstairs mix up? I’m not here to judge.

1.Try to be as disgusting as possible all in one shot to get it out of the way

This photo of me eating a burrito stuffed into a cheeseburger doesn't even crack the Top 10 grossest things I've done. TAKE NOTE

This photo of me eating a burrito stuffed into a cheeseburger doesn’t even crack the Top 10 grossest things I’ve done. TAKE NOTE

You know that saying “if you love something, let it go, and if it comes back it was meant to be?” well this saying is more “if you love someone, fart in their presence before date 5  and if they laugh, it was meant to be” Seriously. I know girls that have NEVER farted in front of their boyfriends. That seems very stressful on both psyche and colon.  I really dislike the whole “eww girls farts are gross” It is extremely true, but they are also very hilarious.

This theory extends way beyond the realm of just farting. This also includes the always poopular (typo, and I am leaving it!!) “seductive sloppy drunk” When Matt and I first started dating I once got so corked that I stepped in mud on the way back to his house and decided to hose my shoes off in the shower, while I was still wearing them. As I struggled to keep myself upright by leaning against the shower I looked over at him and said “hey..hey…wanna do it?” He most certainly did not want to do it and closed the bathroom door on me Godfather style. He didn’t dump me however, and I feel I really got a relationship milestone out-of-the-way. That’s another problem with society (mannnn) they are demanding we celebrate all the wrong milestones in relationships.

You should celebrate the first time you drunk vom while crying in front of your significant other, the first time you have a gross cold and lay on the couch watching Ren and Stimpy on Netflix for 5 days, and the first time you both bond over laughing at a stranger getting injured. These are all very important dates and should be celebrated as such!

2. Get your own life

Haha! jokes are hard to write sometimes.

Haha! jokes are hard to write sometimes.

I understand there is a window of time when you’re first dating someone and want to spend every waking moment with them because “aww I love the way they cut the crusts off their sandwich” hasn’t turned to “why can’t you eat a sandwich like a normal human being??” yet.  I get that. There was once a time when I was like that. Then 2 years passed. Then 7. And here we are. I firmly believe the secret to our success is completely ignoring each other for huge chunks of time.

I highly recommend this. I mean, still hang out with your main bitch, but make time for your other bitches. And by that I mean your friends (or enemies if you’re doing that keep your enemies close thing) It’s a good way to be your own person and not just become someones boyfriend or girlfriend. Plus if things go south you will still have tons of drinking buddies left. So unless you and your partner are pulling a Pierre and Marie Curie and trying to discover various elements, go hang out with someone else. It’s much healthier for your relationship and you probably won’t get radiation poisoning that way. (ITS A WIN WIN!)

3.  Pick your battles

The tragic battled of "What do you mean you're not coming to my work Christmas party?!"

The tragic battle of “What do you mean you’re not coming to my cousins wedding?!”

Seriously. My mom gave me this advice and she’s been married for almost 30 years, so it must carry some weight. Don’t lose your shit over every little thing. Pick one thing and flip out over that and forget the rest. There are several annoying things that Matt does, namely leave the toenail clippers in the shower so they get all rusty. I let that slide. But if he comes home at 430 in the morning covered in a strangers blood, I will probably voice my concern. The point is, if you lose it over every little annoyance then you will start feeling like a real asshole and your significant other will also think you’re a dickhead. Chances are if they’re doing something that annoys you, you’re doing something that annoys them.

4. Embrace each others flaws

Except you Beyonce, you are flawless.

Except you Beyonce, you are flawless.

Matt has to listen to me discuss the following things on an almost weekly basis:

-X Files

-Stupid people I had to deal with that day

-Whatever actor I am currently having a passionate love affair with (including, but not limited to, Viggofest 2012, Rennerthon 2013, and most recently Reeduspalooza)

-Whatever videogame I’m currently playing

-His personal favorite: “Rigby trying to describe a Gif she saw on Tumblr”

He does not care about any of these things. He listens though, and one time when he was really drunk he got super mad when I told him that Jeremy Renner was on a list of the years ugliest men  (“He’s not a fucking monster! he looks good and he has a great haircut!!”) I appreciate that he only slightly rolls his eyes when I start crying laughing at a picture of a cat looking excited at a piece of ravioli. In appreciation of this act, I watch hours upon hours of mountain biking videos despite having a very loose grasp on the sport itself. I also go to mountain bike movie premieres but usually only for the drinks.

The cat in question

The cat in question

5. Find a straight man to your wildcard, or vice versa.

WILD CARD BITCHES

WILD CARD BITCHES

I honestly think this is the key to a successful relationship. Are you a jackass who constantly does jackassery things and insists on building a pillow fort despite being an adult? congrats, you are the wildcard. Do you make sure your significant other doesn’t  leave the keys in the door and insist on paying the bills on time? congrats, you are the straightman. The perfect relationship is when a straight man and a wildcard find each other.

You know what you get with two Wildcards? Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. You’re both insane, constantly fight, break up and get back together on a monthly basis, and everyone hates being around you.

You know what you get with two straight men? Gap models/White people in general. You’re both boring as hell, never do anything fun, and everyone hates being around you.

The key is a healthy mix between the two. Think about it. All great relationships have this. Scully and Mulder, C3P0 and R2-D2, Thor and Natalie Portman, My mom and dad (my dad disapprovingly shook his head while my mom and I smoked a J on the patio at her 60th birthday party)

So I hope these tips are helpful to you! and the most important tip of all is this: if they can’t take a joke, fuck ’em.

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3 Responses to “Dating Tips from someone who farts themselves awake once a week”


  1. 1 Amy April 24, 2013 at 4:31 am

    As usual, this is the best ever.

  2. 2 Candice April 24, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Why aren’t you famous yet?

  3. 3 Paul October 1, 2013 at 9:56 am

    “Covered in a stranger’s blood.” It would be OK if it was the blood of someone you know?


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