Behind the Candelabra: Matt Damon needed money

Obviously this was going to happen. This movie has everything I love: Matt Damon, the potential to be unintentionally hilarious, I assume at least one lavish dance number, Leisure suits and actors phoning in their performances. The only thing that could make it better would be if Pacino was in it, that dude has been phoning it in for the past decade. You know it’s true Al!

It also had this scene, which is just...just amazing.

It also had this scene, which is just…just amazing.

 

Anyways, I had some friends in from out of town and like the good host I am, I decided to download this movie so we could watch it while we got baked. I also grilled them up some sausages, albeit very poorly.

 

FOOD IS READY!

FOOD IS READY!

 

This movie was almost two hours long, yet almost nothing happened in it. It was really quite something. I assume you all know a little about Liberace but if not here’s the run down. Dude played piano in an extremely flamboyant Vegas show, had several house boys, and yet no one knew he was gay. This was the 70’s though, so people were more preoccupied with Russia and Yo Yo’s.

 

The movie opens with Liberace playing the piano in a scene that seemed like it lasted 5 years. turns out it was only a few minutes but I was really high and I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that people would pay money to watch this dude play the piano. Also, how did NO ONE know he was gay?!? I MEAN COME ON

He does seem to have a pretty impressive wing span though.

He does seem to have a pretty impressive wing span though.

 

 

Matt Damon and his fabulous hair cape then makes an appearance, as he is working on a movie set with animals. He goes to a gay bar and meets some dude and they start hanging out ,and the dudes all “hey, let’s go see Liberace” or something along those lines. Anyways, they end up at one of his shows. I missed some of this because I was outside setting fire to some meats.

 

Liberace and Matt Damon meet backstage and Michael Douglas cranks the mincing up to 10. He was chewing scenery all over the place. Once he laid eyes on Matt Damon’s beautiful feathered hair this movie took a turn for the creepy. They all go to a pool party at Liberace’s house. (sidenote: Liberace pool party would make a great band name) and Matt Damon (Scott, or as Liberace says “Scaaaaaaattttt”) notices Liberace’s poodle has cataracts, and he offers to get him some medicine for it. Liberace totally sees this as an in! good for him, using his janky ass old dog to get the D. So Scott and Liberace start hanging out as a young gay man and an older pianist do, and one thing leads to another and BLAMMO!!!

 

The scene that followed freaked all of us out so badly, it made all of us yell and made Jenna turn to me and ask if this was supposed to be a thriller.

GUH!

GUH!

Scott wakes up after a night of sweet loving and turns to see Liberace propped up on one elbow smiling at him. It was terrifying. It was like that burger king commercial where the guy wakes up with the king, but instead of a delicious breakfast sandwich, all scott got was a creepy smile from Michael Douglas. Poor Catherine Zeta Jones. It was very rapey, unlike the Burger king commercial. I don’t think the Burger King would rape anyone, he has very kind eyes.

this is essentially my dream come true

this is essentially my dream come true

About this time we were all growing increasingly concerned for Matt Damons well being. Things were getting super weird, which I suppose is to be expected in a movie of this caliber. After hiring Scott to be his companion (AHHHH) He quickly comes up with the great and not at all horrendously terrifying idea of Matt to get surgery done on his face to make him look more like Liberace. Because why wouldn’t a guy. This brought in the greatest single character in the entire movie.

Absolutely no caption I could possibly add could make this better.

Absolutely no caption I could possibly add could make this better.

Rob Lowes face is giving me so much joy. He looks like a cross between a lizard/man hybrid and a David Bowie action figure someone left out in the sun. We all started questioning why so many people agreed to be in this movie, and it turns out Steven Soderbergh directed it. So they all either wanted to work with him, or he has blackmail photos on the entire cast he threatened to leak.

Anyways, Scott agrees to get the surgery because I guess radical, unnecessary facial surgery is just something you have to deal with if you want to live in an eccentric lounge singers gigantic mansion rent free. After the surgery, Matt ummm doesn’t look great.

Good Gravy.

Good Gravy.

 

Aside from rooting around in his face for no good reason, Dr.Lowe also gives him a bunch of speed because Liberace wants him to lose weight. He was essentially the 1970’s version of Dr. Spaceman from 30Rock.

tumblr_m95zsozchB1qzpo8yo1_500

 

Life in the glittery house of horrors continues on somewhat normally aside from Liberace’s long suffering houseboy occasionally telling Matt how much he sucks and how Liberace will get bored of him and replace him. (possibly with Ben Affleck???) It’s important to note that during one of these exchanges Matt was wearing a speedo, which I have taken upon myself to screen cap and show you here. You’re welcome.

 

This thing has got to have been custom made.

I can’t even deal with this photo. I’ve been laughing at it for days

The movie kinda plods along for a while with a lot of scenes of Michael Douglas smiling creepily and also Matt becomes a full blown coke head in a montage that shows him rubbing his nose a lot and selling jewelery that Liberace had given him. This whole thing might be painting Matt in a poor light, but it’s important to take into account that the real life scott was only 17 when all this started going down. Messed up right? but then again, Is it? think about all the 20 year old chicks that hang out with shriveled old dude wangs just for the cash. That’s hazard pay they’re getting and as I have said many times before: you can’t blame a bitch for trying to make a buck. So Scott is just a trailblazer that the Anna Nicoles and the Courtney Stoddens of the world should look up to. Good for you Scott!

 

AMERICAN HERO!!!

AMERICAN HERO!!!

Dan Aykroyd (yes, he’s also in this) is Liberaces manager and his role in this film seemed to be just to yell his lines into a telephone at Liberace about his finances and/or Scott. He also decided to deliver all his lines with the same speed and tone that he used in that SNL skit about the Bass-o-Matic. It was very baffling.

Michael then comes up with the idea that he’s going to adopt Scott as his son so he can be willed everything when he dies. Uhh, ok I guess. Apparently in the 70’s you could just go ahead and adopt full grown men. Well here in Canada you can’t and I should know because I looked into adopting my 28 year old friend into my family because his Canadian citizenship is taking foreverrrrr to get approved. I don’t know what your deal is Canada, the dude is handsome and looks great in sweaters!!

 

The man in question.

The man in question.

Anyways, before this can actually happen. A man who I think was Ben Stiller in a wig and sunglasses introduced Liberace to a new young man. UH OH! Scott, you in danger gurl.

Later during a family meeting in the hot tub, Liberace proposes that they explore the possibilities of an open relationship, mainly so Liberace can explore the possibilities of other mens butts. Scott rolls with it because he doesn’t want to be a square. Things are rapidly going wrong in this otherwise picture perfect, totally healthy and normal relationship.

 

Ewwww boy.

Ewwww boy.

Before you can say “Help me I’m being held captive by Liberace” Scott gets bitch boom bye’d by Aykroyd and his goons but not before he manages to throw a total fit and smash the shit out of a bunch of Liberaces stuff. Good for him. That’s the way to exit a relationship, just go down in flames and destroy as many things and people as you can while you do it.

 

So the movie fastforwards a few years but not before showing us Scott and Liberace discussing the break up with lawyers. Turns out Liberace didn’t make Scott his son and actually owes him nothing! haha take that emotionally damaged young man searching for a place to belong and a family to love him! you dumb idiot!! Boy I bet your face is red from embarrassment and also from crying.

 

It’s the 80’s now and Liberace is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. People are more excited about Cabbage Patch Dolls and Reaganomics. Liberace gives Scott a call and he’s all “Hey Scott, are you feeling ok? I’ve been feeling sick” Turns out he was sick with AIDS, which is a real bummer. So Liberace dies and Scott goes to his funeral and envisions him going up to heaven in an amazing spectacle. Then the movie ends. It ended how it began: Flamingly.

It was quite a journey. We learned some things, namely that people in the 70’s were very gullible and seemed to not notice when a major entertainer was clearly hiding his homosexual tendencies. Good thing we aren’t so naive nowadays! haha!

john-travolta-mustache-05

 

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2 Responses to “Behind the Candelabra: Matt Damon needed money”


  1. 1 attemptedblog July 13, 2013 at 7:08 am

    Ha! Love your recap. I had forgotten about the bit with Dan Ackroyd – totally bass-tastic. My review is over here, if you’re interested: http://thelowercrust.com/2013/05/30/bizarre-and-inexplicable-behind-the-candelabra/


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