I feel like I should get this off my chest immediately: I am that person who says things like “that never happened in the book’ and “the book was way better” I said both those things several times during this movie. but I wasn’t being a snob, I was just straight up correct.
First of all, the actual production of this thing was a nightmare. I feel like it took 58 years to even make it. Brad Pitt was 7 months old when he signed on to be in it. This bloated trainwreck went into Ishtar territory but thanks to the completely useless addition of 3D to help pad the ticket sales, it managed to make some cash. Congratulations Hollywood. You’re mediocre.
The book this film was based on was amazing. It was extremely inventive and is at the top of a bajillion lists of the best zombie novels. It’s really good, you should read it. The book is outlined in such a way that it was essentially a screenplay ready to go. It’s a series of short stories and interviews with the survivors of the zombie war, all linked together with the framing device of a UN employee putting together a history of the zombie apocalypse. This would make a great movie, they could do it mocumentary style and mix interviews with footage of the attacks.
But no. This was not what happened. What we got instead was Brad Pitt running from digital zombies while sporting my haircut from 6th grade. It was a huge mess from start to finish. So let’s talk about it!
Right away the movie opens with my most dreaded of all scenes: a happy family all eating breakfast together. I can’t stand children in horror movies. They’re always used to ramp up the anxiety but 95% of the time there’s no way you believe they’re in any actual peril. Also one of the kids has asthma. BOY I WONDER IF THAT WILL COME UP LATER. The family enjoys a nice breakfast full of exposition and we discover Brad used to work for the UN but quit because of either stress or to be with his family I guess. Now he stays at home and I presume braids his own hair.
The family heads out for the day and during a traffic jam SHT GOES CRAY. There are explosions and people running all over the place. Brad and his family try to escape but his terrible child refuses to get in her seat and they get hit by a car while he’s turned around trying to get her off the floor. Awful. Just awful. They manage to steal a random RV that happens to be in downtown Philadelphia because why not. This was also the first appearance of the zombies and it was not a good look. They were almost completely digital and therefore not scary at all. They were those super fast running zombies, but unlike the super fast ones in the Dawn of the Dead remake or 28 Days later, they were not scary whatsoever. Good effort though?
Later in the RV, Brad gets his old UN buddy on the phone and he’s like “Brad, you gotta boogie, we’ll send a helicopter for you and your terrible family, hold tight bro” but the phone call is cut short because Brads other awful daughter starts having an asthma attack that no one saw coming!!! so now they have to stop for medicine. This bitch.
After using a scene at a grocery store to show that humanity has lost its collective mind in the span of an afternoon, they hunker down in the apt of a nice spanish family and drink all their cervezas!!! Real talk: I would hoard my food like nobodies business. When Franco was hording food in This is the End I was like “Yea, I get it Franco” Also you guys should see that instead of this movie. For reals.
Brad tries to explain to the family that there’s a helicopter coming at dawn to pick them up and they can come too but obviously they don’t. I’m sure this family will live for a very long time.
2 scenes later the parents are dead and Brad and his family are on the roof waiting for the helicopter, the little spanish kid decided to ditch his family and join Brads (fiction mirroring reality???). After landing on an airbase that guy who is in movies and always plays a general of some sort is like “here’s the deal Brad, you go try to find Patient Zero and your family can stay here but if you don’t then we’re dropping you off” and Brads like “dang flab it!”
So Brad, a tiny scarf he’s wearing for some reason, and some scientist dude head off to an army base somewhere? (I wasn’t listening) to meet with some soldiers who sent out the zombie alarm earlier but no one listened. Boy are their faces red and/or partially eaten!
4 seconds after landing the scientist slips and falls and blows his brains out (seriously) on the way out of the plane, and after a very lackluster zombie attack scene, Brad talks to the soldiers at the base and some dude is like “hey Brad, go to Israel because they built a crazy wall and knew about the zombies” and Brads like “free trip to Israel!” then they to get back to the plane they QUIETLY RIDE BIKES (I’m serious) to not attract the zombies, this obviously goes horribly wrong and several people die, but not before Brad gets back on the plane. There was seriously at least 6 scenes that took place on aircrafts. There was less planes in Airplane and Airplane 2 combined.
Brad and his little scarf head off to Israel and finds they did indeed build a crazy wall to keep the zombies out. He talks to some dude who is like “yea, I heard zombies were coming and I built this wall. Straight up. I ain’t no dummy” while this is happening, survivors are being brought into the city and they are soooo psyched to be saved they start singing really loudly into microphones that are giving off a lot of feedback. The zombies are not into that and the following scene takes place.
The zombies all pile on-top of each other in order to reach the top of the wall and then kinda just flop over it and start biting people. This was the stupidest thing I have ever seen and I have seen myself accidentally throw my sandwich in the garbage instead of the subway wrapper. It was like a big antpile of bad ideas realized in the form of CGI zombies. Brad is like PEACE OUT and him and a soldier,who I wish was the main character because she at least seemed interesting, try to escape but not before she gets bitten and Brad just lops her hand off to prevent the infection. He also doesn’t lose his little scarf in case you were wondering.
They manage to escape on a commercial airline with some other people and head to the World Health Organization to, I assume, ask them what the fuck is going on. Boy I bet it will be smooth sailing from here on out!!!! Things rarely go wrong on planes in this movie! But no, a zombie that I guess was just quietly waiting for someone to open a cargo door busts out and starts eating people. Brad and that soldier decide to chuck a grenade at it causing the entire thing to explode and them to crash in the woods. At this point I was checking my phone because this thing was DRAGGING.
Meanwhile his awful family gets chucked off the airbase because everyone thinks Brad is dead and I assume they were sick of those dumb kids. They get sent to a survivors camp in Nova Scotia and they’re bummed. I don’t know why! I would much rather be there than on some airbase with a bunch of soldiers. Motherfuckers, there are lobsters in Nova Scotia. LOBSTERS.
Brad and the soldier talk to the scientists at the W.H.O. and Brad thinks that zombies wont infect people who are dying of terminal illnesses so he volunteers to infect himself with one to see if the zombies will bite him. Sure whatever. At this point I could give two shits about anyone in this movie. But wouldn’t ya know it? The viruses are on the other side of the building! and it’s overrun by zombies!
A very tedious sneakin’ around scene occurred and Brad injected himself with a disease, then stood around with a zombie for a bit. Nothing happened so I guess it worked! yayy! So the cure is to inject yourself with a disease, but then I guess get cured of the disease later? but then won’t the zombies want to eat you again? or maybe they made a vaccine with a disease? I have no idea and at this point I was like GET ME OUT OF HERE I HAVE FUNNY PICTURES ON THE INTERNET TO LOOK AT.
Oh and Brad and his dumb family got reunited. The End.