Hey Skymall, what the fuck is going on over there?

I can’t be the only one who loves look at ridiculous catalogues and laughing and/or wanting for the products contained within. And Skymall? forget about it! Everytime I get on a plane I cross my fingers that it will both A) not crash and B) have a skymall catalogue. Anyways, Today we’re going to take a look at some of the most “huh?” worthy products I can find on ye olde Internet, and my god are there some great ones.

1. Cat toilet training kit – $59.99 from Skymall

ahhhhhhhhhhh! YES!

The idea of a cat sitting on a toilet makes me completely lose my mind laughing and I wish I had the patience/insanity level to train my cat to do it. It is seriously up there on the list of hilarious visuals along with someone getting hit in the face with one of those giant yoga balls.

Anyways according to the product description this is a step by step training program that will teach your cat to use any “human toilet” I don’t know what other toilet they could possibly be referring to but your cat can’t use it. HUMAN TOILETS ONLY PLEASE. I think how this works is you make the cat sit on those seats and then eventually ween him off until he sits on the regular toilet seat like a big boy. I’m not sure if it shows how to teach your cat to flush the toilet but it better because using the toilet is a two tiered system. Or possibly a three-tiered system if you had Taco Bell for dinner.

DESTROYER OF WORLDS

I would think the odds of this working properly would be extremely slim and probably end with a wet cat and lots of scratches. Let’s see what the product reviews have to say. Well shit according to the three assholes who bought this thing only one of them said it didn’t work for their cat. That is completely blowing my mind and to be honest with you guys I sort of want to buy one and try to get my cat to use it, but since I have been sneaking up behind him and trying to push him into the toilet every time he drinks out of it for the past year or so, something tells me that would end vurrryyy badly.

2. This freaky head thing – 49.95 from Skymall

THE FUTURE

THE FUTURE

ARGHHHH WHAT! This looks like something that would be in a really good 1950’s sci-fi movie and something that would be in a really bad 2010 movie. Jesus H. I’m pretty sure this is what they use in Scientology to read your theton levels properly. Let’s see what the description on this lovely…thing has to tell us

This patented Italian design incorporates Japanese engineering and utilizes acupressure to relax and soothe your problems away. It’s like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp. Simply place our Head Spa Massager on your head and feel the tension miraculously leave your body.

My favorite thing about this is the pensive look the guy has going on. “ah yes, this is enjoyable” I like to imagine he’s listening intently to a conversation but wishing desperately that someone will reference his metal head machine. “that’s very interesting, but did you notice this thing on my head?” WE NOTICE IT.

3. This nightmare of a lamp

vogue, strike a pose there's nothing to it.

vogue, strike a pose there’s nothing to it.

Are you very lonely? Do you like women’s bodies but not their heads? Are you currently reading this in a dark room? Then do I have the product for you!

Imagine stumbling on this every night when you got up for a glass of water. I’m positive at least 80% of people who own this lamp die of heart attacks from thinking some odd headed woman is striking a pose in their living room before murdering them. The cops show up to determine the cause of death and then see the lamp.

“Open and shut case. It was the lady lamp again. Damn you Skymall! when will you learn?!”

It doesn’t help that the thing looks like it’s wearing bondage gear. I’m pretty sure this lamp was commissioned as a background piece in a David Lynch film and Skymall somehow got their hands on the mold for it. It would be great for a haunted house though. I will give them that.

4. These pants

Yuck.

Yuck.

To the untrained eye, these look like shitty old jeans. WRONG! They’re actually shitty pajama pants that are made to look like shitty old jeans. This is some through the looking glass bullshit. The universe is going to fold in on itself. Can you please think of a social setting where it is unacceptable to wear shitty looking pajama pants, but it is acceptable to wear a shitty pair of ill-fitting ripped jeans? The two are mutually exclusive! This isn’t like a Tuxedo tshirt, which transitions easily from day to night. These pants are just terrible in every form.  If you look down and you are wearing these pants, you need to see yourself out of the human race. There’s just no hope for you. Even more troubling, is these are from the Birthday gift suggestion of the Skymall website. WHO IS GIVING THESE AS GIFTS?!

I also enjoy how goddamn long the fly is. It’s like the top are mom jeans, and the bottom are Kurt Cobain’s jeans. It’s the weirdest hybrid I have ever seen. These pants are upsetting me on at least seven different levels and I need to move on.

5. This box that says inspirational things to you but only if your name is Bob.

Well I know what I'm getting my dad for Christmas!

Well I know what I’m getting my dad for Christmas!

 

This is honestly all it is. It’s a box, and when you open it a little voice says “You’re the man Bob!” or “You sure are sexy Bob!” that’s it. I am so baffled by this entire thing. Why? WHY? what purpose does this serve? I mean I guess you could put things in the box, but don’t put your gun in it because if you need to be extra quiet and open it while a robber is rootin’ around in your house it will scream LOOKING GOOD BOB! and immediately give up your position. So I guess maybe you could put like some candy or some random knickknacks in it? I’m seriously so confused by this thing.

The reviews are mixed, half the people who bought it for the bobs in their life said it didn’t work. How dare you Skymall? Is it so hard to produce a quality talking box that will say nice things to a person named Bob? We put a man on a moon but we can’t properly make a disembodied voice tell Bob some nice things about himself? GOOD GOD.

 

Well my credit card is maxed out from buying cat potty training kits and pajama pants that look like jeans, so I guess I should draw this mess to a close. Don’t forget, Christmas is coming up, so maybe buy the Bob in your life a little box that will talk to him!

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