Now I love a good flop, I think we all do. Nothing like watching someone else suck at life to make you feel better about yours. I’ve been flopping my way through life for the past 27 years. I once cried after getting stuck in my own shirt. I’m not doing great. So instead of laughing at me, lets laugh at some other flops shall we?
1. Chris Gaines
This is really quite remarkable and I feel like enough people don’t know about it or remember it. Essentially what happened was this: Garth Brooks decided he wanted to release a rock album but didn’t think people would take it seriously so he made up an alter ego called Chris Gaines and released it under that name. Yes, this is a thing that happened.
He wore a little soulpatch and a stupid black wig and acted all mopey and mysterious. It was like he was living out the plot of a cartoon where a flowerpot fell off a windsill and smashed him on the head and he got amnesia and assumed this new identity. I don’t know how this even came to be, like at no point did any of his friends or business partners stop and say “wait a minute Garth, this is fucking bonkers” luckily Garth got hit in the head by another flowerpot thus reversing the effects as per the rules of cartoons, and now he’s back to just being a pudgy white country star. God bless.
2. Movie 43
I have actually not seen this movie in its entirety. I tried for the sake of this blog and I couldn’t do it, and I have seen A LOT of bad movies in my day, I once saw a movie called 2 headed shark attack that starred Hulk Hogans daughter. I also just lied, I’ve seen it twice.
This movie is bad on an entirely different level. You know how some people are so lame they’re actually cool (me) thats what 2 headed shark attack was. It knew exactly what it was and we all knew exactly what we were going into. This movie is lying to itself and the general public. There are roughly 8900 celebrities in this movie. I have no idea how all of them agreed to be in it but I assume a healthy mix of kidnappings, blackmail and black magic was involved to get them to appear in this cinematic dogturd. The movie is just a series of skits, each one more brutal than the last, that are held together with an equally shitty framing device. To put it in perspective, one of the skits centers entirely around Kate Winslet going on a blind date with Hugh Jackman and he reveals that he has a pair of balls on his chin. HUGH YOU WERE JEAN VALJEAN YOU DONT NEED TO DO THIS.
Each skit is like a rejected SNL pitch written by a 15 year old boy. Here’s an actual description of events of one of the skits from the wiki article to really hammer the point home:
“Their dad cheers them up by farting humorously in front of them. As Mikey goes to the bathroom to defecate, Nathan and their father watch a game on television.”
Don’t know how to end your comedy bit? TRY A FART JOKE.
3. The Lone Ranger
This flop was DELICIOUS to me. I was waiting for this flop the moment I heard they were making this movie. First of all, who the fuck asked for a Lone Ranger movie? what’s next? a Buck Rogers in the 21st Century movie? (that’s a good joke, you’re welcome)
You know what kids these days love? A movie about a cowboy that rob trains with their Native American friend and clocks in at just under 2 hours. OH BOY!
Also, it was very racist. Johnny Depp, no one is buying that you’re a Native American. You’re like .5% Native, that is not enough to portray a Native American in a movie when there are actual Native American actors that could do it. You can wear all the beaded bracelets and stupid little necklaces you want but no ones falling for it Depp!
This movie lost a shit load of money, like 220 million worth, and everyone involved is super butthurt about it and claimed that North American audiences didn’t “get it” oh we got it, we just didn’t want it.
4. Kony 2012
I also throughly enjoyed this flop. You all know about Kony 2012 unless you were in coma for the entire year of 2012.
The first time I saw the Youtube video that started all this rubbish, I was all “yes, but where is this money going??” I don’t have a problem with donating money to say, research for the cure of a disease, or donating money for a pet shelter to buy food, those are legit. But this was just money to “Raise awareness” it was very vague. They wanted to make Joseph Kony, an African warmonger, famous. I feel like this isn’t the best way to go about it. I think donating money that goes to fixing the infrastructure of the country will probably be a better approach than elevating one guy to a weird supervillian status. I mean yea, let’s fucking kill the dude if we can, but one more insane warlord that kidnaps kids and makes them soldiers will just pop up.
So you could donate money and get a packet of like stickers and shit to let people know you were aware of the existence of Warlords and child soldiers. (Yay!) Turns out stopping one guy won’t make all the evil in the world go away, sure you could donate to say, Unicef, The Red Cross, or other reputable organizations but they don’t give you a bumper sticker and a press package (Boo!)
This spiralled out of control faster than my life the night I ate an entire cheese plate. Turns out a lot of the money didn’t go to what they said it was going to, and the organization behind the video, Invisible Children, shuffled around funds to pay themselves way more than was needed. But the best part was when the dude who directed the video had a complete and utter spaz attack on the streets of San Diego. Dude went straight bonkers and went on what can only be described as a naked mania, which was of course captured entirely on film. Shortly after his film debut, Kony 2012 kinda petered out and everyone quietly peeled their bumper stickers off and tried to forget the whole thing. I bet Carl Weathers is bummed though, he probably had his fingers crossed for a Kony movie.
Well I hope that this helped you feel like less of a flop, I know it helped me even though while I was writing this I forgot I was boiling an egg and it exploded. I’m not doing great.