My foray into madness: I watch The Insane Clown Posse’s feature film

I knew it would come to this eventually, as you all know I love Juggalos so much. So very, very much. They are amazing in every way. I’ve known about this movie for awhile but didn’t decide to watch it until it was added to Netflix. I have no real excuse not to watch it now, so here we are. Before I watch this thing and write down my inner thoughts and/or turmoil about what I’m witnessing, let’s find out the actual plot of, possibly the greatest named movie in the world: BIG MONEY RUSTLAS

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

In the Wild West town of Mudbug, Sheriff Sugar Wolf arrives to confront an over-the-top villain, Big Baby Chips.

Well uhhhh, that’s it. Thats the complete synopsis from IMDB. “big baby chips” is sending me into complete hysterics. I fucking love Juggalos.

Ok so I’m starting this mess now but I feel like i won’t be able to even sit through the whole thing. Pray for me.

This is starting out pretty innocuously with a poker game, OH SHIT ITS BIG BABY CHIPS.  He’s played by the fat one from the band. Shaggy 2 Dope. Yup.

The face of a reasonable man.

The face of a reasonable man.

Also, at this poker game everyone are completely normal looking cowboys except for Big Baby Chips who is dressed like a Juggalo. I feel like if a fat man dressed like a clown joins your poker game, you should immediately fold, leave the bar and possibly move out of town.

This movie brings up so many questions, Do the fans of Insane Clown Posse and western films overlap quite often? Why was this made?? WHO FUNDED IT? more importantly, who fucking wrote it???

After a baffling opening credit sequence, we are joined by a sad man at the grave of his beloved Uncle Anus. You know, pretty common name back in the days of the untamed Wild West. Ohhhh its the other ICP dude, Violent J. Possibly the antagonist of this film??? LETS WATCH ON.

There is a lot of hammy acting and scenery chewing going on here. I’m only 15 minutes in and I am very irritated. I’m not even sure what goddamn genre this movie is supposed to be? Stoner comedy? action movie for the illiterate?

Oh a mexican named Dirty Sanchez, because why not. See it’s funny because Dirty Sanchez is a gross sex act, hahah comedy!!!!! I think I just answered my previous question of who wrote this movie. It was obviously a 14 year old boy who fuelled his all night writing sessions with Code Red Mountain Dew.

Uncle Anus’ nephew is currently plowing some woman in the woods and thankfully it cut to black because I did NOT need a Juggalo sex scene in my life. Thank god for small miracles.

OH NO! Some Native American stereotypes! I hope Uncle Anus’ nephew survives this encounter and lives to carry on the proud Anus family name.

oh the situation was resolved via a series of complicated highfives, as one does.

It’s also worth noting that at random intervals in this movie a wacky sound effect with play with no corresponding action.

This fucking face paint must be so bad for their skin, I bet they have really bad adult acne from it.

Dirty Sanchez just informed the Anus’ boy that the town wells water is more polluted than “a fat chicks ass after running a marathon with no underwear on” oh that Dirty Sanchez has the gift of weaving a beautiful tapestry with his words.

The intrepid Anus is looking for his mother, Handjob Hannah, in the town of Mudbug. She apparently resides at 69 Prickley pecker Lane. I think the Kennedys had a summer home around there.

Ok. So his mom also has Juggalo face paint on. So is the paint permanently on their faces?? is it a genetic trait passed down through the Anus family?  Is Big Baby Chips this guys relative too since he has face paint on?? How deep does this conspiracy go?? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!

HELP ME RUSSELL

HELP ME RUSSELL

Ok well anyways, apparently the Anus’ boy is named Sugar Wolf. I prefer Anus. I would even take Sugar Anus. (Sidenote: that would make a great stripper name)

Sugar Wolf is apparently the new sheriff in town, he got the position from dramatically affixing a sheriffs badge that he found in his moms house to his vest. That’s how it works.

the old sheriff asked where Sugar Wolf is from and he said New York City and the sheriff was all NEW YORK CITY??? I’m hoping this is a reference to those old Pace Salsa commercials but I feel like this movie isn’t clever enough.

I have no goddamn idea whats going on. Theres some sort of poker tournament and some dude got caught cheating so Big Baby Chips (ugh) is getting his henchmen to smash his hand. Also, one of the henchmen is wearing a vest with dollar signs on it and a bowler derby. God help me.

I’m getting very concerned that I might start to think one of the ICP members is attractive. I get cinematic stockholm syndrome where if I’m exposed to someone long enough I start to think they’re cute. I went through an unfortunate Shia Lebouf stage after watching all 3 Transformers movies in rapid succession. Those were very dark times for me. So hopefully a cute guy gets introduced very quickly or I might have to throw myself off a bridge.

Literally nothing has happened and I’ve been watching this for half an hour.

OH FUCK JAY FROM JAY AND SILENT BOB IS IN THIS. He’s looking not half bad. Things are looking up!!!!

Oh a midget is here giving the sheriff a pie. She’s talking about the pie being tasty,  but she’s really talking about her vagina. EUPHEMISMS.

Ugh they’re just panning back and forth between their faces while they make moaning sounds. I WANT TO DIE.

Some dude is stumbling around through town and oh he has lasers shooting out of his eyes because why not. I am 200000% done with this fucking thing.

HE JUST EXPLODED AN OUTHOUSE WITH HIS LASER EYES AND SCREECH FROM SAVED BY THE BELL STUMBLED OUT OF THE ASHES WITH A TOILET SEAT AROUND HIS NECK. GOODBYE WORLD, IVE SEEN ENOUGH.

YOU ALL THOUGHT I WAS LYING

YOU ALL THOUGHT I WAS LYING

HOW. WHY.

IS THIS A SCI FI MOVIE TOO? HE JUST KEEPS EXPLODING THINGS WITH HIS EYE LASERS, HES NOT EVEN SAYING ANYTHING.

WHAT THE FUCK.

ugh.

ugh.

Ok, so his eye lasers were bounced back at him by a mirror and his head exploded. apparently it was one of Big Baby Chips assassins and no one is bringing up the fact that he had FRICKIN LASER BEAMS COMING OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS so I guess in this universe that’s just normal? Also, worst goddamn assassins ever, he just blew up random things with no eye (I’m sorry) on his actual target. 2/10 would not hire.

The wacky sound effects are only getting worse as the movie progresses.

I have stared into the abyss and the abyss has stared back.

I don’t think I can go back to my life before Big Money Rustlas. The Rigby you knew is gone, I have been permanently changed, possibly on the molecular level.

Anyways, While I was having a crisis of faith, Sugar Wolf and his midget lady friend embarked on a “hilarious” dating montage that contained gross making out and a weird scene where she whipped him while he wore a diaper. I’m very upset with myself.

Some man with a large, apparently very smelly foot, is wheeling around town. The actors are really letting us know that he stinks by waving their hands over their noses and going PE-YEW!

Ok for just one scene there was a laugh track. I think I’ve lost my mind.

Apparently this foul smelling man is named “The Foot” and he is another assassin. He just keeps rolling around town yelling IM THE FOOT, BITCH.

I’m very, very sad.

I’m actually laughing really hard at this guy just doing circles in his wheelchair while yelling IM THE FOOT over and over. I think the laughter is keeping the tears from coming. Sugar Wolf dragged the Foot out of his wheelchair and into a pile of TNT which then exploded. He died like he lived: yelling IM THE FOOT.

Whoa! did you guys get a load of that horse??

Whoa! did you guys get a load of that horse??

There’s been a scene of people slapping each other thats lasted what feels like years. This movie is draining my life force.

I have no fucking idea what this movie is about and I’ve been watching it for 45 minutes. I think Sugar Wolf is trying to clean up the town but Big Baby Chips is just sending awful assassins with weird gimmicks to kill him? this is more scattered than the last season of Lost. (thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week)

Sugar Wolfs midget girlfriend took off a mask revealing that she is in fact a man and was sent to kill Sugar Wolf. But I guess he has a vagina? because they had sex, so he’s a transgendered midget assassin? Also talk about the long con.

There’s also been a subplot running during the movie of the old sheriff going to New York City to get chili. It’s ridiculous and I don’t want to talk about it.

Sugar Wolf got shot by his midget lover in his shooting hand, so now Dirty Sanchez is helping him gain back his confidence. That is a summary of roughly 20 minutes of screen time.

I have a headache. I think I’m dying.

Things are happening, but I don’t think they warrant me discussing them. I think I’ve lost all hope. I’m a husk. A shell.

While I was softly weeping into my open hands, Big Baby Chips and Sugar Wolf had a standoff and Sugar Wolf killed Big Baby Chips. It was like that iconic moment when Harry Potter and Voldemort finally came face to face, ONLY BETTER.

OH SHIT before Big Baby Chips died, he announced that he was in fact Sugar Wolfs father. DID I FUCKING CALL IT OR WHAT??!?? I probably shouldn’t be so smug about this.

Well thats that, I did it. I watched Big Money Rustlas. I deeply regret my decision, but I can’t go back in time. I have to somehow learn how to live in this post Big Money Rustla world. It will be hard but I’ll just have to take it day by day. Please keep me in your prayers.

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here

 

BONUS BORING UPDATES.

Oh and PS, feel free to follow my dumbass on Twitter @rigbot, join my Facebook pagearoonie and you can also follow me on Instagram if you want to see pictures of my cat at rigwolfe. Oh and my book is finally done! Its currently being edited so you guys should be able to get it soon!

Advertisements

0 Responses to “My foray into madness: I watch The Insane Clown Posse’s feature film”



  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s





%d bloggers like this: