Well Boners, here we are again. It’s been awhile, I’m sorry Ive neglected my internet children almost as bad as my real life children (hope the orphanage has wi-fi, hi baby!) But I’m not working today and I would rather subject myself to this awful (I assume) movie, than do the laundry. I’m very lazy you see.
Anyways, I did a quick Nicolas Cage search on my Netflix and there is like 10 of his movies on there! good god. I was tempted to do a review of the world trade center movie he is in, but its just too much. The tragedy isn’t that far behind us and it would be in bad taste to bring up such awful memories. I’m talking of course about the mustache he sports in that. Good god man.
Right, but back to the movie at hand. Todays cinematic disgrace is called Season of the Witch. I have zero memory of this even going to theatres, so its obviously going to be good. The plot is as follows:
“A group of weary warriors transport a suspected witch believed to be responsible for spreading the devastating black plague”
oh boy sounds vague! where are they transporting here? why are these warriors so weary? will Nicolas Cage wear a terrible wig? Lets press play and find out!
The movie begins with a classic scene of grimy looking peasants getting rounded up and chucked off a bridge because they’re accused of being witches. Turns out they were actually witches and not just normal girls who used an ointment on their finger or something like the usual witch accusing goes. So they’re not stoked on dying and release a curse.
Meanwhile, Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman (Hellboy, why) are soldiers and they’re making bets on who can kill more enemy soldiers hahaah comic relief! also, Remember when Gimli and Legolas did that in a much better movie? hahha! There is a very long montage of them fighting in various battles, making quips, and then drinking with whores. The middle ages seems fun!
Nicolas cage accidentally stabbed a woman, and I guess it was supposed to be sad but the chick left her mouth open in a super comical “OH NO!” style for a really long time so I thought it was pretty funny. I guess Ron and Nic didn’t though because now they’re bummed out and don’t want to be soldiers anymore and peace out. Which you can apparently just do when you’re a soldier?
Nic and Ron wander around for a bit and notice that something in the milk ain’t clean in these parts. Namely, the plague. And its making people look hella fucked up.
Ron and Nic meet OH MAN NATHAN FROM MISFITS IS IN THIS?!? I’m so fucking mad the he left that show, especially now that I know he rocketed to fame with this fucking stinker of a movie. GODDAMN IT NATHAN. Not even Barry can save you now.
So turns out they did get in shit for deserting the army, they now have to transport a woman that the church thinks is patient zero for the plague. They have to bring her to a monastery where it will be determined whether or not she’s a witch. There’s a “getting our traveling party ready” scene, and they bring along some chump who knows the path to the monastery, the witch in question, Nathan from misfits, and 2 church dudes. I have no idea what any of these peoples names are and I refuse to learn.
We are like 30 minutes into this and nothing has fucking happened.
They’re just wandering around the woods like a bunch of bros with a lady in a cage, you know how it goes.
The witch escapes eventually because she doesn’t want to be in a cage or in this movie at all, also something needed to move the plot along because good god this thing is dragging.
So the witch is making these dudes go bonko, she made the one church chump thats with them run into Nathans sword? I’m very confused. Ok so. Nathan thought he saw a wolf, so he drew his sword and then this guy ran out of the woods and stabbed himself on it. I had to rewind it. I am not doing well. This is seriously a damn mess. Nathan is looking pretty bangable in it though so I guess that’s something.
I guess the ~~tension~~ from this movie is supposed to be whether or not we believe the girl in the cage is a witch or not. Nicolas Cage thinks she isn’t, but everyone else thinks she is.
OH WHOA the witch just offered to give Nic Cage a handy J hahaha oh my god. She must be under lucifers control. He said no though for some reason. Get it when you can Nic! when an imprisoned woman offers you a grimy hand job between the bars of a cage, you frigging take that opportunity.
Honestly, there is not much going on in this movie. They’re just plodding along and I’m getting really bored. There’s a scene with some wolves attacking the camp at night but its only a minute long. ACTION. Oh wait, one of them got eaten by wolves. I’m not sure which done because its pretty dark. Also, I don’t give a shit. Oh it was the guy who was leading them to the monastery. Who I don’t think was needed at all because they have a priest with them? I assume he knew where it was too? I don’t even know anymore.
I’m going to level with you guys. I have like 7 Buzzfeed tabs open while I’m writing this.
Sometime during “29 of the most ridiculous moments in Americas next top model history” the group of chuckleheads have arrived at the monastery. You know what that means don’t you? THIS IS ALMOST OVER!!!!
Turns out all the monks are dead from the plague haha talk about a case of the mondays .
Now they’re giving the witch an exorcism. I don’t know why they needed to go all the fucking way to this monastery to do this but whatever. So I guess she was a witch this whole time? I’m not sure if we were supposed to be shocked or not at this reveal. OH wait, she’s not a witch she’s a demon? tomato, tomato (this saying does not translate well to the written word) Some very bad CGI fire is happening, like I’m talking Playstation 1 quality. The demon escaped and she’s pissed off and chucking a bunch of shit around and now she’s a dragon. OH fuck the priest just said “we’re going to need more holy water” STOP REMINDING ME THAT BETTER MOVIES EXIST.
Good lord the graphics in this movie are atrocious. This came out in 2011 so there’s really no excuse. Oh shit some of the dead monks are now zombies. There was also a touching scene of Nathan officially becoming a knight, soooo you know he dead. So they’re all just wandering around the monastery trying to find a way to officially kill the demon. Also the demon is talking to them now, and he has a sexy voice. I’m very conflicted. But seriously, look at this garbage
I have never been so disrespected by a computer animated graphic since the underwater level in Ninja Turtle NES game. Or really the entirety of Battletoads. WHY WAS THAT GAME SO FUCKING HARD!?!
Oh right. so A real lacklustre action scene with zombie monks is happening but I honestly don’t care. I finished all my buzzfeed articles and now I’ve been reading Somethingawful for the last 20 minutes. In retrospect I probably should have researched this movie before reviewing it but OH WELL. Anyways, Ron perlman is dead. Oh and so is Nicolas Cage. Nathan made it though! so there’s that. Oh and I guess that chick was just possessed and now she’s ok? she’s all naked and covered in goo though for some reason. ho ho I have been there girlfriend.
So Nathan and the girl (I have no idea what her name is) bury Nicolas Cage and then ride away on horseback to uhh I guess, somewhere?? THE END. I’m serious. That was the final scene.
Well fuck. this was terrible. I mean, not even enjoyable on an ironic level, it was just awful. I guess I learned about the black plague though. It was caused by witches and cured by Nicolas Cage. Thanks Nic! we owe you one.