Damn those pixels are scary: Top video game baddies

I, like many other people, really like video games. I am unfortunately very terrible at video games. I get turned around super easily, I can never figure out puzzles and I suck at aiming. I haven’t let this deter me though, I have soldiered on in my awfulness. I’ve played a lot of games very poorly and my favourite kind of games to suck at are survival horror games, which are chalk full of spooky villains and broken locks. So I’ve compiled a list of my favourite baddies which is here for you to enjoy. or don’t. I’m not your dad, man.

 

1. Pyramid Head from Silent Hill

talk to the hand cuz the pyramid..uhh cage..ain't listening

talk to the hand cuz the pyramid..uhh cage..ain’t listening

 

Obviously this guy would be on the list. We all lost our shit when he first showed up and I think it was mainly because it really, really looked like he was fucking those mannequins. That is quite the entrance.

I NEED AN ADULT

I NEED AN ADULT

 

Throughout the game you are terrified of when you will actually have to fight him because he will periodically show up and be like “hey whats up” while dragging around his final fantasy ass looking sword. When you actually do need to fight him its actually pretty anticlimactic and then you realize it was just an atmospheric scare and the build up was better than the actual thing, like most sexual encounters. HEY OH!

After a second playthrough he’s less scary and more of a “oh hey buddy!” and in subsequent appearances throughout the franchise, I actually got really hyped when he showed up. Like a comforting ghoul. So why is Pyramid head even on this list if he’s like a digital bro huh butcher..guy? hmm. Anyways, THIS IS WHY:

NOPENOPENOPE

NOPENOPENOPE

The reason he is on this list of scariest monsters is because of what the internet has done to him. This. This is what the internet has done to him. Do not even get me started on this, I had to delete my entire browser history after this google search. If that’s not horrifying, I don’t know what is.

Scorecard:

 Actual scariness: 2/5

Scarring images from the internet: 7/5

Chiroprators nightmare: 5/5

Total spooky score: 14/15

Salazar from Resident Evil 4

GUH

GUH

Hear me out on this one. I know there are several other monsters, villians or clearly evil outfits (Ashley for real girl, what is that ensemble) to choose from out of this entire franchise but I mean, come on. Look at this goober.

When you first meet him he makes this dumb speech about how he’s going to kill Leon and then does this weird little dance. Keep in mind that for the past several hours before this, you had been wandering around an evil village shooting people that are lunging at you with pitchforks. Seeing this little prancing idiot was really jarring.

you little rascal

you little rascal

Salazer is just a creep in general, Is he old? Is he a little kid? Whats with that tri corner hat? Any vaguely old looking small child in short pants and period clothing is bound to be unspeakably evil. My favourite part about not only this villain but really everyone in this entire game is that their motives are really, really unclear. They kidnapped the presidents daughter and put a worm in her guts because…reasons? If they were going to unleash the virus on the world why did they keep her on this island and wait until a foxy Government agent came to the rescue. Unless…unless that was the plan the entire time. Salazar was in love with Leon and needed an excuse to bring him to his sweet party island and kidnapping a poorly dressed woman was the first step. Tooling around on his baadass jetskii was obviously the finale of the plan. I mean look at that thing! (also the best glitch in video game history)

324402

The most confusing move in this entire game is when he transforms into a weird evil tentacle monster with a very obvious hit point. This was a lateral move at best. He didn’t get any creepier he just got…slimier. I don’t like old people and I don’t like children and Salazar is a creepy mix of both so I think we all agree he should be on this list

Scorecard:

 Actual scariness: 2/5

Imagined scariness from vaguel steampunk outfit: 6/5

Dance moves: 1/5

Total spooky score: 9/15

Sander Cohen from Bioshock

your face needs to be not looking at me. thanks.

your face needs to be not looking at me. thanks.

Again, I could have chosen a lot of different scary elements from Bioshock. The big daddies, the little sisters, the undoubtedly uncomfortable cableknit sweater you were throughout the game, the list goes on. Sander Cohen is handsdown the creepiest part of this whole game and its because he is completely insane. And Insane in a very specific way. You know when you meet someone in passing and they start telling you their entire life story and you’re like “well this person is clearly unhinged” but you have to keep playing along and feigning interest because you have no idea when they’re going to snap and bite your face. Sander Cohen is that person combined with every pretentious art student you’ve ever been cornered by next to the hummus at a party. It’s a horrific combo. Also the mincing is unbelievable. Even Liberace would be like “cool it”

Sander is one of Raptures elite, and is an “artist” in the same way that Ed Gein was a seamstress. His art installations usually end up in murder and he always hangs out with these super creepy rabbit people. Seriously. Get lost with that nonsense.

whhhhyyy

whhhhyyy

One of the scariest parts of this entire game is when you have to do an errand mission for Sander by murdering and then taking photos of the dead bodies of people that have slighted him. At one point during this escapade Sander reads a poem he has written outloud. It is justifiably horrifying and here it is for you to listen to!

 Unforgivable. After slaughtering a bunch of people for him, he gives you a present in the form of a gun. You can then use this to murder him. Which I did. Because eff that guy.

Scorecard:

 Actual Scariness: 4/5

Mustache awfulness: 3/5

Stage presence: 5/5

Total spooky score: 12/15

Clickers from The Last of Us

 This game has a lot of horrifying enemies, and I’m not even including the murderous cannibals, lugging around housewares for several minutes, the terror of opening your heart again to love a surrogate daughter or the dread of having a broken watch. Clickers top the list for several reasons

do I have something on my face? be honest.

do I have something on my face? be honest.

Clickers are one of the first enemies you encounter in this game and they are just awful. They’re essentially dorment until you make noise near them and then they attack you and rip your throat out. They cant see and can only sense things around them like bats do with sonar, so they stand around, sway and make clicking noises. They are just real turds all around. I Think the reason they scare me so much is because I am incapable of shutting my fat mouth for more than 15 seconds. If I was in this situation, I would be like HEY JOEL IM HUNGRY WHENS LUNCH? then trip over a desk and immediately be set upon by a dozen clickers.

SO WHATS THE STORY WITH LUNCH JOEL??

SO WHATS THE STORY WITH LUNCH JOEL??

Being quiet and stealthy is key in this game and I am terrible at both so this was a real challenge. There was multiple times I was just minding my own business, scavenging around for broken scissors when BAM one of these idiots would be chilling out in the corner of a shed. My nightmare. Another cherry on the awful sundae is the accompanying death animation  when a clicker gets you, it’s a wonderful scene of your neck getting ripped open. This does very little for morale.

NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU

NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU

Scorecard:

 Actual scariness: 6/5

Please stop making that clicking noise: 5/5

Sorry about your neck, Joel: 4/5

Total spooky score: 15/15

The Boys of Silence from Bioshock Infinite

just fuck right off

just fuck right off

These rascals only show up very briefly near the very end of the game but they are absolutely terrifying. I mean look at these jerks.

oh boy yea that lighting is really helping things

oh boy yea that lighting is really helping things

 You have to sneak around these idiots very sneakily a  la Elmer Fudd sneaking up on Bugs Bunny. But if you get caught by one of them, they scream at your and tons of enemies swarms you. Also these enemies are wearing creepy masks of George Washington. It’s a real nightmare factory over in Columbia.

hey little guy

hey little guy

As I mentioned earlier, I am god awful at stealth, this stealth section is even harder than anything in last of us because there’s no convientetly placed bottles or bricks to through and distract them. You just have to slink around and hope they don’t see you.

After a cutscene in one part of the game you have to turn around to progress through the level and guess who is standing directly behind you. one of these goons. I have played through Bioshock Infinite 3 times because I am a sad, sad person and every single time I forget that when you turn around one of the boys of silence is standing directly behind you and every single time I get super startled and completely blow the rest of the level because I’m running around blindly while hollering. It’s really quite something. There’s probably only 5 or 6 of these throughout the whole game but they’re easily the scariest part of the whole game.

Scorecard:

 Actual scariness: 3/5

Stupid looking helmet: 2/5

I mean they’re so dumb looki…oh god there’s one right behind me isn’t there: 5/5

Total spooky score: 9/15

So who wins this competition of scariest vidja game characters? well according to my very professional and technical scoring system, the winner is.. Clickers from The Last of Us. This might be biased because that game gave me several elaborate heart attacks and panic attacks, but hey what can ya do. So congrats to the clickers! you win! You’re the fucking worst and everyone hates you!!

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