Ok guys. I did it. I went and watched 50 shades of grey. First of all, I have to mention that my local theater is now searching bags for booze. I can’t help but think this is at least 60% because of me. Luckily I squeezed past “security” with a 6 pack securely in my purse and proceeded to get drunk during this cinematic turd.
The movie opens with oh so klutzy and boy am I ordinary! Anastasia interviewing mogul Christian Grey for her roommate who has the flu. Christian of course amassed his fortunes in “telecommunications” Christian is somehow interested in Anastasia Steele (again, yes this is the characters real name) and shows this by appearing at the hardware store she works at, and suggesting a photoshoot for the article her roommate was working on.
After the photo shoot, Christian asks her out for coffee and grills her about her interactions with every male character we’ve seen so far. He asks if she’s dating her friend Jose who took the photos, and if she’s dating the guy she works with. This is not normal. In Christian Greys world, any man who interacts with a woman he is interested with is both a potential threat and suitor. Could you imagine if this just happened after every interaction with a male? hahha “Ana. I saw the way you were looking at the UPS guy when you signed for that package” “Ana. I don’t appreciate being made a fool, you were flirting with that dog we saw at the park”
Anyways, Ana for some reason decides that she’s mega hung up on this dude. He sends her several first edition copies of books that she likes, as she is an english major. This is the first and last time any of Ana’s interests are brought up or validated. Ana goes out to drink with her roommate and some friends and drunk dials Christian, as most girls have done at some point. I have to point out that she does so using an LG FLIP PHONE. Christian reacts by freaking the fuck out that she’s drunk, chastises her over the phone and then sets out to “rescue” her from the bar where she is safe with her friends. Because god forbid a woman in her 20’s gets drunk at a bar. THAT SLUT. Honestly the way he reacted it was like she called him and said The Terminator was after her.
The next morning Ana wakes up in Christians hotel room and he explains how she was drunk and and she needs to take better care of herself. the important/fucked up part is this: he says, completely unprovoked “if you were mine you wouldn’t sit for a week” and then bends over her to eat a piece of her toast. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW IS THIS SEXY?!?! I am pleased to report that literally everyone in the audience was cackling with laughter, so at least I was in good company.
Ana later goes to Christians apartment. where he asks her to sign a non disclosure contract, which I kinda get since he’s this big shot dude who has so much money he doesn’t have to use an LG FLIP PHONE. Also his apartment was mega huge and under furnished and I didn’t see a TV or playstation anywhere. That alone would make me bolt. Anyways, after she signed it, he’s all “let me show you my playroom”and reveals a red room with various whips and canes. It was just like 10 versions of the same toy though, I dunno I was very underwhelmed. He shows her a bedroom where she would stay, and explains that she would live there Fri-Sun. OH OKAY LET ME JUST UPROOT MY ENTIRE LIFE AND LEAVE MY HOME SO YOU CAN SMASH ME IN THE FACE WITH A PIECE OF WOOD FOR THREE DAYS I AM SO LUCKY.
Christian tells her theres a second contract she would have to sign that outlines a dominant/submissive relationship and it would just be sexy times and no romance times. Ana asks what she gets out of the deal and Christian replies “Me” I should mention that he was wearing ripped baggy jeans while saying this so I dunno man, doesn’t seem that great.
Ana tells Christian that she would have to think about it but does mention she’s a virgin (NERD) and asks if they can make love (ugh) once like normal. Christian agrees and I was all “awww yassss here comes the wang!!” But there was NO wang to be had. This movie was rated 18A and all that was shown was titties and a bit of bush. After sexy times he carries her to her room because she’s incapable of doing this on her own.
They kinda do this irritating flirty thing back and forth for awhile I guess to make us care about him but whatever. He does buy her a new Macbook Pro though so I was like yea ok. Ana gets overwhelmed with the idea of signing up for an indeterminate amount of time where a man who wears baggy ripped jeans is allowed to whip her whenever he wants, and she tells him she’s over it.
Afterward, Christian just kinda shows up at her apartment and sexes her up BIG TIME. But she’s still like ehhh I’m not into it. and they “break up”
Ana graduates from school, and sees Christian there as a guest speaker and I guess seeing that doughy face just is irresistible to her so she agrees to go over the contract with Christian, and they have this ridiculous scene in a boardroom going over what she does and doesn’t want to agree to. She also asks what a butt plug is. Girl that is fucking dumb. You graduated from University not knowing what a butt plug is?? THE FUCKING USE IS IN THE NAME. If a goddamn alien crash landed on earth and someone asked it what a buttplug was, I’m confident the alien could answer correctly. “hmmm well is it a plug that goes in your butt? seems like that would be the best answer” JESUS CHRIST ANASTASIA.
I was like “ok whatever” to that and the rest of the sex acts, but the worst part of the contract was she is only allowed to eat certain things, she can’t drink to excess, and she can’t do drugs. She also has to go get birth control from a doctor of Christians choosing. This is some Patrick Bateman American Psycho bullshit.
Ana soon realizes shes falling in love with Christian (SOMEHOW) and calls her mom on her LG FLIP PHONE in tears and her mom suggests coming to visit her for some girl time. Ana tells Christian this and he FREAKS OUT. Because if its one thing you don’t want your girlfriend doing, its visiting her mother. That slut. Also, they have been dating for a few weeks. If a guy (or girl) makes you cry within a few weeks of you dating them, you need to peace out because they are scumbag idiots.
Ana goes and visits her mom and while they’re getting plastered at lunch (as you do) Christian just shows up. OH BOY! he then tells her to “take it easy on the cosmos” and PULLS THE DRINK OUT OF HER HAND. That is a punishable offence my friend and the punishment is death.
Christian has to leave the trip he was uninvited on (oh shucks!) because of an emergency (he was able to get into surgery for a personality transplant???) and Ana follows him. She arrives and his apt. and she grills him about his sexual choices and why he wants to hurt her so badly. Yea, I would also like to know why. Earlier in the film Christian told Ana about a friend of his mothers who made him a submissive for 6 years starting at the age of 15. So a child molester. The term he was looking for was child molester. At that part, and several parts lets be honest, I audibly groaned “UGH” and a guy behind me who was also drinking beers thought it was really funny.
Ana wants Christian to push it to the limit (that song is stuck in your head now) and he agrees. So to commemerate this new milestone in their relationship, she smacks her with a belt until she’s reduced to tears. Also I’m pretty sure he was wearing those horrible jeans from earlier. The pain, the pain of it all.
Afterwards, in the best move of the entire movie, Ana tells him to fuck off and leaves him. AND THE CREDITS ROLLED AND I WAS SO HAPPY. Oh I also forgot to mention that at one point in this movie Christian says “I’m 50 shades of fucked up” and I laughed and laughed.
- Do you have an LG Flip phone?
- Would you let a man hit you for a new Macbook Pro
- I think I would
- They are very expensive
- Are you worried an attractive dog could be seducing your submissive?
- How many shades of grey is too many?